NEWS: Finally! A White Film Critic Explains Slavery

POLITICS: Finally! A White Film Critic Explains Slavery

Let’s face it; America has been taking a lot of heat lately about our dabbling in slavery over a century ago. Most of this talk is obviously blown out of proportion. It’s time for a guy who watches movies and writes what he thinks of them to break down this slavery hysteria we now face. Finally, Michael Medved has risen up and taken on the greatest problem of our time: Politically correct people who think America is bad for owning slaves a long, long time ago.

See? Michael is playing this right down the middle. This is not some crazy right wing piece that has no basis in reality. The man did his research, right after he finished his review of Good Luck Chuck. Here, Medved breaks down six myths about slavery.

1. SLAVERY WAS AN ANCIENT AND UNIVERSAL INSTITUTION, NOT A DISTINCTIVELY AMERICAN INNOVATION.

Good luck trying to disagree with this point. America did not invent slavery, so why are we always taking so much grief? Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Slavery was written about in the Code of Hammurabi in Mesopotamia, way back in1800 BC.

It’s like Hitler. He didn’t invent killing Jews and genocide, so why are people always up in his shit about it? Let’s be level headed about this. Maybe I should mention here that I took and passed a community college course in basic retardation.

2. SLAVERY EXISTED ONLY BRIEFLY, AND IN LIMITED LOCALES, IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC – INVOLVING ONLY A TINY PERCENTAGE OF THE ANCESTORS OF TODAY’S AMERICANS.

Fucking nailed it! Look, slavery was only occurring in places like, the entire South. Which at the time was half the country and that is very “limited.”

Everybody back then obviously had copious amounts of cash lying around and they chose not to buy slaves. Consider this point incontestable.

And slavery only existed only briefly in America, a mere 89 years. It’s a fucking blip. In 1808 we stopped importing slaves. That was extremely moral of us and we deserve credit for being so nice. If they hadn’t kept fucking each other slavery would have stopped, so they really only have themselves to blame. Am I right, or am I the worst person ever? Huh?

3. THOUGH BRUTAL, SLAVERY WASN’T GENOCIDAL: LIVE SLAVES WERE VALUABLE BUT DEAD CAPTIVES BROUGHT NO PROFIT.

Indeed. It’s not like we were just killing people for the hell of it. We weren’t trying to eliminate a race, for God’s sake. We were only using them like horses.

Look, Americans understand the value of property and that is why we did not kill our slaves. Profit = humanity. Jesus said that. Oh, and I’ve been eating lead since I was four.

4. IT’S NOT TRUE THAT THE U.S. BECAME A WEALTHY NATION THROUGH THE ABUSE OF SLAVE LABOR: THE MOST PROSPEROUS STATES IN THE COUNTRY WERE THOSE THAT FIRST FREED THEIR SLAVES.

So true. This is irrefutable and almost every sensible economist in the US will tell you the same thing. It is very difficult to make profits when all of your employees are working for free. Also, geographical location and larger populations did not encourage economic growth. Oh, and I’ve never picked up an economics book in my life. I did, however, get a degree in gay moustaches.

5. WHILE AMERICA DESERVES NO UNIQUE BLAME FOR THE EXISTENCE OF SLAVERY, THE UNITED STATES MERITS SPECIAL CREDIT FOR ITS RAPID ABOLITION.

Fuckin’ A. How long did that take? Like, a day? As a nation, we just woke up one day, looked at each other and said, “Let’s not do this anymore.” Then we shook hands and set the slaves free.

Basically, we invented ending slavery. The rest of the world is lucky we didn't patent it, too. Did I mention that there is a very soft spot at the base of my skull?

6. THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT TODAY’S AFRICAN-AMERICANS WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF THEIR ANCESTORS HAD REMAINED BEHIND IN AFRICA.

Right. Three million slaves died crossing the Atlantic in ships and twelve million more “survived.” There is no evidence that amongst those dead and kidnapped men was a Mahatma Ghandi, or a Thomas Jefferson, or a Martin Luther King Jr., or a Dalai Lama, or an Albert Einstein, or a Charles Darwin, or an Isaac Newton. No way could have such a man changed the course of African history. Also, I love whiskey. Sometimes I drink it and then write my column.

In summary…

FearTheReaper spent all night scrubbing and I scrubbing, but he can’t get clean.

FearTheReaper spent all night scrubbing and I scrubbing, but he can't get clean.

I LoL'ed. The mental image was too much. I don't even know what you look like but I can see you quivering with rage and disbelief, scrubbing yourself in a bathtub.

What the fuck got into that man?

Supporting the troops. They can't win over there if we keep complaining about America over here. That's why we lost Nam.

Well, that's true - our boys were stabbed in the back by the liberal media back home.

If only we'd had the PATRIOT Act back then - then we could have really defeated Communism!

Medved needs to:

1) Crack open a few history books.

2) Buy his soul back from the devil.

One of the 'facts' that needs to be corrected is the number of humans that died as a result of the slave trade. My understanding is that the percentage of humans that died in transport was higher than the number of humans that even made it to the shores of the New World.

Medved gets it wrong on most other items, as well.

Yeah we were really in the forefront of ending slavery. Kind of like Russia, which nosed us by two years and took "second to last place" honors, even though they were an autocratic Empire with no constitution, bill of "rights", and no effective popular representation, ruled by a single, inbred individual.

Wow, we are so fucking awesome!

WHEW!
thanks for clearing up my white guilt!

you know, i'm gonna say it. who gives a fuck? we all know slavery happened. it was bad. now it's over. do i feel guilty for something I am pretty sure my family (poor, and immigrants) had no involvment in? or should i feel guilty even if they were? Fuck no. I might as well feel guilty that my immigrant grandparents who left latvia after world war 2 didn't stick around and mop up some lingering nazis, or try to stop their country from being assimilated into communist russia, or some other bullshit. I guess i just don't see the point of this article. unless it is to criticize medved for beating a dead horse.
am I suppose to feel bad for something that i had no involvment in? does my nationallity and skin color automatically make me guilty of some crime i didn't commit? i guess i am hopelesly lost, or ignorant, but i can't see the point of this article. oh well, off to look at naked women.

My fantasy world gets rosier all the time!

im waiting for part two of medved's article: Why we should reinstate slavery

It was bad. It is over.

The fact that we keep bringing it up seems to only drive a larger divide down the center of the ol mixing pot that is supposed to be our Country. No, I am not suggesting that we don't teach about the past, then we might repeat it, but I am suggesting we get over it.

Lets move on and bitch about something this decade shall we?

I agree with XamaX, its time to sit back, and enjoy the Naked Women in all their Glory.

If you don't give a fuck, why post?

It seems that you're concerned with expressing a contempt for this portion of American history.

Why?




As an aside: Nazis are still (rightfully) pursued.

History teacher: "Today, class, we are going to talk about the history of slavery in America..."

White Student: "Oh Jesus Balls! Can't we get over slavery already? Fucking Christ!! ... I'm going to go masturbate in the corner."

oh god, cant we get over your reply already?
look, im gonna go masturbate. your reply is so over.

I know, dude. But, see, there's this herding thing you have to pass through that places one here, in this thread, before the boobs are accessible.

Jesus, can't we get over what I'm about to say already? I mean, it's only a few seconds in the future from now - that's practically ancient history!

And why should I feel guilty about it? I'm not the one that said it yet.

'Cause... uhmmmm... Well, you got me there.

Circular logic wins!

You know, half my family was still in a shtetl in the Ukraine and the other half was busy shooting Indians in western Mass., so I can say for sure my people had nothing to do with the slave trade. That doesn't mean I haven't spent my entire life inadvertently benefiting from its legacy. It doesn't keep me up at night, but I think its probably an important thing to be mindful of. Especially since, with people like Medved, the 'why do we still care' argument is usually closely followed by the 'and why the hell can't black people get it together' line of douchebaggery.

cant hear you! maaaaaassturbating!

there's a vast difference between studying the historical aspects of slavery in america and debating it like it's a hot-button current events issue. i'm with veloxmortis. teach the history in all its excruciating detail, but don't act like we have some kind of collective guilt to expiate. my ancestors came here from italy in the 1920's and frankly i feel the same about the practice of americans keeping african slaves as i feel about the practice of vikings keeping irish slaves, middle eastern people keeping african slaves, and the romans keeping basically everyone they met as slaves.

everyone here flapping their gums should be concerned with is the millions of people who are *currently* slaves in places like niger, mauritania, and thailand.

So, because we care about the one thing we must not care about the other? Does not compute.

Well, that guy just pissed, whatever career he may have had, down the toilet.

Nice one, jackass.

No masturbation in the herding alley!

Well... Yes. As a citizen of the United States you, and me, and all of us share the responsibility for the actions of the republic. Nobody's going to make you apologize for all that whipping or the unpleasant segregation business. But it's part of your nation's history. You have to deal with its ongoing consequences as a responsible citizen.