NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

The time has come for you to set your gaze upon this week’s worst people alive. Every week I dig through the news to find Asshole Fuckfaces and bring their disturbing acts to you. It causes me great pain and suffering. The amount of sickening, horrible acts that I have to wade through to find the worst would drive most humans insane. But I am strong. So, put on your rubber apron because this is going to be ugly.

For our first Asshole Fuckface, we head to the insane state of Texas.

Claude Jones was executed by the state of Texas in December 2000 for a 1989 liquor store robbery and murder. He was convicted due to the testimony of a witness and a single hair.

The witness told police that Jones told him he robbed the store and committed the murder. But that was 1989. In 2004, the witness changed his story and said Jones never said any such thing. It was really bad timing because Jones had been executed four years before. So, a “thank you” was not coming.

The lone hair on the counter turned out to have once been living on Jones’ head. That is what is known as a coinkydink. But the hair was not DNA tested because it was 1989. During the trial, an expert said the hair was consistent with the hair from Jones skull. The jury bought it and Jones is now dead.

Recently, the Innocence Project became involved. They wanted a DNA test done on the hair in order to find out if Jones was actually guilty. That is when the San Jacinto County DA said he was going to destroy the hair. Now, that is an asshole fuckface who loves the truth.

The Innocence Project filed a motion to stop the DA from destroying the hair and a judge agreed. On October 3rd, a hearing will be held to decide whether or not DNA tests should be performed. Texas has executed 403 people since 1982. Since 1994, 29 people in Texas have been exonerated through DNA testing. But why slow down, right?

The next asshole fuckfaces on the agenda are an old classic: The Republican Party!

Hey, if you can’t win an election in California, why not try to break the law to get a few electoral votes? California Republicans think it is a good idea to change the states allocation of electoral votes from “winner take all” to divvying them up by district. Currently Republicans stand no chance of getting anything out of California, but if they were to pull this off they might end up with 22 electoral votes. That is more than enough to swing an election. The GOP is moving closer to getting their plan placed on the June 2008 ballot as an initiative. There’s just one big hang up.

The hilarious thing about this Republican attempt to steal electoral votes is that the Supreme Court recently affirmed a previous ruling about the power the Constitution gives to state legislatures in choosing electors. It occurred in a little case called Bush vs. Gore.

Although the ruling certainly won’t slow the Republicans because the Constitution hasn’t exactly stopped them from taking action recently…

Next up, what’s worse than Christian family values? How about asshole fuckface Nazi family values?

Eva Herman is a conservative talk show host in Germany who was recently promoting her latest book The Noah's Ark Principle -- Why We Must Save the Family, when she said that Hitler’s family policies were good for the country. Herman claimed Hitler’s cash bonuses for extra children and the death penalty for abortions were examples of good Nazi "pro-family" policies.

And nothing says “family values” like murdering six million mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, daughters and sons.

Poor Eva was fired from her show. Sad.

Speaking of family values, good old West Virginia is home to the worst asshole fuckface family of all time.

The Brewster family of Big Creek had a little torture session in their trailer last week. It all started when Bobby’s latest lady, Megan Williams, stopped by the pad. The family decided to hold her captive and have some fun.

For an entire week, Williams was raped, knifed, choked and beaten. She was also forced to eat rat and dog shit, drink from the toilet and had boiling hot water poured on her. To top it off, they called her “nigger” while they committed their heinous acts.

Police arrested Danny J. Combs, 20; George A. Messer, 27; Karen Burton, 46, and her daughter Alisha Burton, 23; Bobby R. Brewster, 24, and his mother Frankie Brewster, 49, at Frankie Brewster's home. Brewster, his mom and Combs could all receive life in prison for kidnapping and sexual assault. The others face various charges.

Williams has been in the hospital since the attack and is a mess.

The Brewster family and their friends are a dark stain on the face of the planet. Altogether, the six people have been charged with 108 separate offenses since 1991.

It would not be so bad if they were all killed in prison.

Each of this week's winners get a FearTheReaper cat collar. Congrats!

That family sounds like a worthy choice of contestants for some kind of real-life "Celebrity Deathmatch" show.

I love Sundays

So why weren't they in prison?

Indeed, that's my question, how do you do all shit, and not land your happy ass in jail?
....
Are they rich?

Seriously dude, this is America. Jails are for people who tried to buy a dimebag, not murders and rapists.

Am I the only one reminded of The Devil's Rejects?

The Slate article on the California initiative is interesting, however the analysis is incomplete. While it's definitely true that the US Constitution mandates that the state legislatures decide how to disperse their electoral votes, it leaves the individual states to decide what the meaning of the word "legislature" is. Some states may include the referendum process in their definition of legislature because it is "legislative" in nature.

Here's what the California Constitution has to say about their legislative power:

Now, my reading of that is that while the powers of initiative and referendum shall not be abridged, the actual legislative power of the state is vested in the Senate and Assembly. I think that's the correct interpretation, but I don't know if there are any subsequent amendments that might alter that reading (the California Constitution is about 800 pages long. It's fucking absurd.) I'll check into it if I have time, though.

Think earlier. This is more like the House of 1000 Corpses.

Leave it to the Republicans to try and make the Electoral College more racist. Of course, leave it to the Democrats not to care unless their incumbency is threatened.

I'll bet family reunions are a trip.

I can deduce nothing but evil intentions from anyone who tries to stand in the way of the Innocence Project. What possible justification is there for not setting the indisputably innocent free?

Woe be to anyone who tries to stand in the way of Texans and their holy, homicidal revenge.

Wasn't there an electoral change in Texas very similar to something like this before the last election? In fact it was just enough to tip the balance... veeery interestinch Herr Himmler, ahh ahh ahh ahh

That was different. They redrew districts to make it easier too keep a majority in the House. That plane ended up backfiring.

It SHould be unconstitutional to be able to convict anyone for execution without DNA testing, and I wonder how many the state has execute would be postumously exonerated?

SPeaking of execution... that family...

Huh?

nothing surprises me anymore

Eva Herman made it into the Asshole Fuckface Roundup?

Cool.

First thing that popped into my mind... I'll bet it's where they drew the majority of their creativity from. PAWthetic.

I'm not sure that I see anything any more sinister in this than I do when Congress and Legislatures redistrict things to keep seats and take seats from the other party. In my state, this is mostly a Democratic ploy, but I'm sure the Republicans do the same thing elsewhere. It's a tactic that the Democrats mastered in the 60's and the Republicans before them after the Civil War.

GOD I HATE POLITICIANS!!!

As far as the constitutionality goes, I suppose that a strict reading would make it unconstitutional. But, by that same token, wouldn't most anything not strictly given as a right to government (namely most of the things that goverment does these days) likewise be unconstitutional? I read nothing in there that permits the executive to write executive orders. Or giving the Congress the right to spend constituents money on "acts of benevolence."

Moreover, if the Legislature has provided a means for constituents to propose and modify laws based on ballet initiatives, than the result is as constitutionally applicable as if the legislature had done it themselves. (that's my opinion...not saying I agree with the idea one way or the other)

just a comment on the 'nazi family'. there are now more neo-nazis in russia than anywhere else in the world. they dont seem to remember hitler tried to kill 'em all.

Actually, our dear Governor Schwarzenegger tried it not too long ago in a "special election." Fortunately, it was voted down. Including all the other measures he tried to pass in that election.