NEWS: Mythical Mexicans Are Scary

POLITICS: Mythical Mexicans Are Scary

The anti-immigrant movement has descended into madness. I know this because I have a relative who sends me the occasional anti-immigrant email. He knows I have a daily article here on SG and wants to keep me informed of the scary immigrant activities taking place in America. Previously he sent me an article on the NAFTA Superhighway. Upon further research I discovered that the Superhighway is entirely fictional.

The emails are flying back and forth between the anti-immigrant folks and they are scaring the shit out of each other. The latest one that came into my inbox has been forward to hundreds of people in the anti-immigrant revolution. They apparently believe it is real. I, on the other hand, thought it was completely insane and much like the NAFTA Superhighway, entirely fictional. The email is a real work of art.

At this point, I believe this could be a real interview. Juan came over, looking for work with some friends and now he is feeling the power one feels when involved in a large protest. Pretty standard stuff. Then the wheels come off.

Wow. Juan suddenly started talking in right wing rhetoric bursts. He seems to have quite a bit of knowledge about how to scam the American system – and is even excited about getting Social Security. Sadly, he has no access to Social Security because he has no Social Security number. But why shouldn’t he be excited? He is actually right in the middle of transforming from a human being into a cartoon villain.

And note that Juan called his own children "Mexican children." That is what people do. In America, when we talk about our children, we say, "Have you met my American child, Billy?"

Ha ha. Cartoon Juan, now you are speaking in classic joke form. That is weird, but VERY common among Mexicans.

Holy shit. Seriously? This is the best you have, you right wing lunatics? That joke was so bad it made me what to punch myself in the face for reading it.

Ah, yes. This is something that really enraged the anti-immigrant crowd. When immigrant rallies were held across the country, many in the crowd carried Mexican flags. It was outrageous! I haven’t seen anything like it since the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York, with all those fucking Irish flags! Hey Paddy, it’s America, not Ireland!

Sigh. At this point you just have to become sad for anyone who actually thinks this dialogue is real. Yes, the Mexicans want their land back. They don’t want to just make a living wage and support their families. They are not concerned with making enough money to survive the month, but rather reclaiming land that was lost over a century ago. I can’t tell you how many conversations I have had with Mexicans about the reclamation of Southern California. Our situation is very similar to the Israeli – Palestinian conflict and the Balkan states of the former Yugoslavia.

Cartoon Juan just needed to hit the free schools and welfare points again before he wrapped it up, just in case the reader had forgotten.

Jim is obviously an unbiased reporter who takes his job seriously and argues with people in the street, rather than simply presenting their viewpoint. And Juan, God bless him, is only after the free things here in America. He certainly doesn't want to work. You never see a Mexican immigrant looking for work. And in addition, Juan is looking forward to some sort of revolution. What he does not care about is making enough money to survive. He is a cartoon that the anti-immigrant crowd believes is real.

Juan is what I like to call the mythical Mexican. They have created him out of fictional stories, far-away observations, rumors and paste. Fake Juan is quite scary because he wants to destroy our country. The Mexican villain taps into every fear artery that Americans care about. They include healthcare, schools, welfare, crime, sovereignty and even baby kidnapping. He is the ultimate example of the La Raza demon. At the end of the email, they request that we take action:

And they are passing it on. This email is being sent around the country to enraged citizens. Some of these people actually believe that La Raza is a revolutionary group that is planning a civil war in 2008, right here in Southern California.

Ethnic cleansing. Yes, white Americans are speaking of ethic cleansing without a hint of irony. The information highway is here, feel the pride.

At this point, I think the appropriate response is to look up to the sky, reach upwards melodramatically, and shout: "DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

Can someone please attach a virus that tells the reader they're stupid to this email? Pretty please?

The thing about encouraging the free exchange of ideas, like the internet does, is that really, really stupid ideas get exchanged too.

the "unalienable rights" bit made me spit my drink out.

i have to say though, that juan the mythical mexican probably has a better working knowledge of the declaration of independence than the average american.

I'll bet he can locate the United States on a world map, too.

Though I'd also wager he doesn't know the difference between Baltic and Balkan any better than your average Newswire Editor.

like, such as.

touché re: balkan vs. baltic btw.

Which one is the avenue in Monopoly again?

Rajshi ne.

The first one.

See and here I thought this was gonna be a story about some sort of Mexican power rangers or the Chupicabra or something.

oops. Thats what happens when i only have 30 minutes to write an article. rush = mistake. i apologize to your ancestors.

Dober. That means I will not have to ethnically cleanse you.

i appreciate that

dude, there is nothing mythical about the chupacabra!

To get back on topic for a second, though, I really have to wonder what was going through the mind of the "interviewer" when he was fabricating this conversation. I mean, did he just think to himself, "Well, that's what an illegal would say, and besides, I'm doing a public service!"

I mean, what the fuck?

It's true, I know for a fact that you can get them at Taco Bell for a buck ninety-nine.

EDIT - Urban legend link for the article. Jim Moore is apparently a real person, and he actually worked for a Houston television station, but not for several years. And the station, of course, says that no such interview was ever aired.

Stop chupacarbras from sucking American goats! There are plenty of out of work Americans who would love to suck our American goats

Oh my...

I think the interview would have been more believable if it had included a vivid description of how Juan twirled his giant mustache and cackled maniacally as he described how hourly Mexican laborers planned on overthrowing the US.

yes! and if he were wearing a giant sombrero and when the interview got too hot to handle, if he had sped away shouting "¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!"

Like that crazy Mexican martial arts movie in the Dell commercial? I bet that guy was a power ranger.

Damnit! I want to see that movie! If only it were real!

With documentary evidence like this, who can blame him for writing what they would say if they were honest. Note that the music is the Mexican national anthem.



Since that's the first time I've tried to link something like that, in case it doesn't work, here's the standard link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6G2QF1II6KE&NR=1

The kicker is to note whose gold is being stolen. Yes, they've been swindling the Confederahcah for years now, and it's time to stop.

You think mythical Mexicans are scary? I live with an actual one. Horrifying.

On the bright side, my lawn has never looked better.

That's the funny shit I've read in a long time. Thanks, I needed that.


Re: Balkans

What the fuck are you guys talking about? You've got me completely confused. The former Yugoslavia is in the Balkans not near the Baltic. So, how was he wrong? Am I missing something?

They call us folks Newswire editors for a reason, you know.

Ah...I wasn't aware you could go back and change your stories. You could really make someone look like an idiot that way!