NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

The Asshole Fuckface Roundup is back after taking a week off. I was crushed by the horrible summer cold that is murdering people all over Southern California. As of last count, 123,547 people have died in LA. I survived because I am strong and also, God wanted me to continue writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, here it is, you crazy bastards. Put on your jackets and take off your underpants, this one is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface may be the worst mother on the face of the Earth. And Mars. (Exaggerated for effect)

Sophia Elam is 41-years-old and has a beautiful 16-year-old son. He’s great. He plays on the Silverado High School football team when he is not suspended from school. The problem is that members from a rival gang also play on the same team and they sometimes threaten the Elam boy.

First, the Elam boy called on his fellow gang members to help out. They drove to his football practice, threw some gang signs and flashed a gun. Sadly, the brilliant plan did not work. So, mommy got involved.

She drove several members of her son’s gang to the school to fight with rival gang members. Some of them were adults. And she did it on more than one occasion. Yesterday, the local Sheriff department arrested Sophia for child endangerment. Officials may also revoke her government aid. After arresting Mommy, law officers went to her home, where they found junior and “dozens” of gang members.

Yay!

Next up, an entire department of the federal government gets labeled as an Asshole Fuckface!

Hey, remember way back in August when Alberto Gonzales retired from his position as Attorney General and everyone hoped the politicization of the Justice Department would end? It didn't!

Yesterday the Justice Department said Internet service providers should be allowed to charge for priority Web traffic. That’s right, the Justice Department stuck their noses into the Net Neutrality debate. Not only is the Justice Department involved in something that is not their business, but they are so fucking wrong it is amazing.

Hey Justice Department, the US has some the worst broadband rates and speeds in the developed world. Those companies have not been upgrading and expanding their networks. Why? Because our government is not taking any action to ensure that we do have decent broadband coverage. Our government tells us the “free market” will take care of everything, while they completely discourage a “free market.”

Our government, and specifically the Bush administration, abandoned Open Access policies that fostered competition between Internet companies and led to lower prices. Without competition there is no reason to create a better product. Our Internet is pathetic because of the collusion between the government and a few big companies.

We have gone from having the best rates and speeds in the '90s to some of the worst in the year 2007. Japan’s broadband is currently 8 to 30 times faster than ours. That should do wonders for American business! Net Neutrality would increase competition, not harm it and create better broadband services overall.

But who cares when AT&T is doing the bidding of the Bush White House by allowing illegal wiretapping and data mining? And for their services? A little payback: The Justice Department is now getting involved in the Net Neutrality debate. Sweet, sweet corruption.

Next!

There are so many reasons to call the administration and our military leaders Asshole Fuckfaces that it is amazing. This week it’s all about body counts!

Our military is claiming that violence has dropped sharply in Iraq this summer. General Petreaus is expected to claim that attacks have decreased 75 percent.

Is it the success of the surge? Are we finally winning? Are people converting to Buddhism? Is it the summer heat? None of the above.

It’s good old-fashioned cherry picking! Just change how you designate an attack and the stats suddenly look better!

It’s a reasonable assumption. Sunnis and Shiites only fight each other with their backs turned. They shoot over their shoulders using mirrors. Criminals only shoot people who are looking them right in the eyes. If a person turns to run, a criminal lets them go.

Also, any attacks by our new Sunni friends are not included in violence statistics. Because they are our friends! Yay, friendship! Other categories have also been changed. If people die in a bombing, they are not counted as deaths from violence. That is also criminal. Why? Because al-Qaeda uses bombs. Insurgents use guns. Duh.

To sum up:

Getting shot in the front of the head.
Car bombs.
Our Sunni buddies killing peeps.
And also, Shi'a on Shi'a action!

Not violence! They are simple crimes. Why do you hate America?

Shockingly, the real numbers are not so good.

Boo! The AP hates America! Keep it up, military, you crazy Asshole Fuckfaces!

What would an Asshole Fuckface Roundup be without our dear leader?
George Bush is in a foreign country right now, and that can only mean one thing: Horrible mistakes that embarrass our nation.

George is in Australia. When he arrived on Wednesday, Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile asked Bush how his trip to Iraq went. Bush responded in a very presidential manner.

Aw, he’s retarded. Or maybe by “kicking ass,” he actually means we are destroying a country and it is in a civil war and it is going to lead to a war with Iran, which will also involve Saudi Arabia, Turkey, the Kurds, Syria and Israel.

On Friday, Bush gave a speech at the Sydney Opera House to business leaders attending the APEC Summit. He did a great job.

It’s APEC, you jokester! Okay, one mistake, right? No big deal.

That country is in Europe. Australia in much southerer.

Bush then exited gracefully.

Nicely done, you fucking moron. How great would it have been if he had fallen into the orchestra pit? Oh, to dream.

LATE Asshole Fuckface Roundup Addition: Michael Davis, director and writer of Shoot 'Em Up. Horrible, awful, not funny, bad, never-ending, idiotic, retarded movie.

You have to have really done something wrong if I don't like a movie that has such a high body count. Attempts at tongue-in-cheek comedy only work if the dialog is amusing and somewhat intelligent. If it isn't, you end up with a mess like Shoot 'Em Up: A movie that is exactly what it is trying to make fun of.

That is this week’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You get a free FearTheReaper monogrammed ascot.

> To which a Victorville detective replied, "No, your mom is already in jail."

That's just priceless. Absolute comedy gold, right there.

it would have sucked if he fell into the orchestra pit, not only would he have claimed that the Australians tried to shuffle him loose the mortal coil by not warning him, he'd probably declare war on the architect as well!

no, knowing Bush, he'd have declared war on architecture

I wish I could do that.

And Austria...

I missed the AFR last week, glad you're feeling better . It kills me that George is our president. I can't stand his stupidity.

Atleast a Judge in NY dosent like whats going on.with the internet
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070906/ap_on_re_us/patriot_act_lawsuit

*sigh*

Presidential falls are always hilarious. Case in point:

Shootem Up has such a good cast, too. Lame.

Brilliant!

At APEC they took a photo of all the leaders in "traditional Australian garb"[1].
Gathered together all of the leaders were told to raise their right hand for the photo (click for detail ... GW Bush is on the right):





[1]: A debatable description but this isn't the place for it.

Why are they wrong? Your broadband internet access is so oversubscribed to make it affordable at 50 bucks a month. Boo hoo that the broadband providers are going to charge rates closer to the actual subscribed bandwidth because people are using it more.

You could always just pay $500 a month for a T1 line

Hmmm, a largely urban and very dense country has an easier time building communications infrastructure? News to me!

MAY? What do you have to do?

Also, another reason to list Australian Prime Minister John Howard as an asshole. Let Bush fall. With any luck he could have broken his neck or something!

That is hysterical.

In case anybody missed it, look more closely at Bush.

At first I was going to propose some sort of devils advocate argument that victorville was in a lawless crime ridden getto but the stats say otherwise...

http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genInfo.php?locIndex=11032

anyhoo... I don't want to box the rights of women in but Mommies should not be leaders in a gang war :-)

-sc

I am surprised that howard didn't fall into the pit himself. Australia as a country is beautiful and friendly..as long as you are white..not aborginal..and have a penchant for drinking beer and a severe needle problem. They are advanced in their thinking in letting indigeous people go to school legally 20 years ago...they even outlawed a persons right to shot an aboriginal if they came onto your land 30 years ago. The australia first party usually scores well each election with such policies as send every foreigner back to their home land and greatly assist those from other cultures that are in exile by shooting their boats and leaving them to swim the remaining 200 kilometres to australian coast line...this is particularly good exercise for children...they also encourage country awareness by collecting the street kids up and driving them into the desert and leaving them there with no provisions..many walk for two weeks to get back to any town, some die of exhaustation. They like to party as demonstrated in the sydney riots..most of their major cities have curfews in place to help combat their highest percentage in the first world street crime and violence problem. Their police force has the highest count of unnecessary and excessive violence charges..with the highest kill count per capita ten years ago...until, like Bush, they changed the definition of what excessive force was....don't let the sydney mardi gra fool you...they also excell in hate crimes..with the most recorded on the night the mardi gras is held....all round Bush should have fallen into the pit and howard pushed in after him...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd heard that the last two months saw record civilian deaths, and in addition, the suicide rate of US soldiers in Iraq is at the highest since Vietnam.

Ah, them evil-doers must be in their last fukken throes!

What FTR left out was that the kid then said 'Well, your mother wears ARMY boots' and then the cop gave him a wedgie.

Keep on kickin' ass, George! Woohoo!

Assholes and Fuckface awards need to go out with cornhusks in order to facilitate an asswiping that would be noticible. Well, maybe such would notice. Our species kills because it kills, just as at least our American population as degenerated into 'living to eat,' rather than 'eating to live.' How to change such idiocy? Me. I alone can change me. We do this one self-revelatory person at a time, if we dare be human-humane. Presidents as with all political leader do not give a damn or blessing about people or any other species, even and especially when they spread the rhetorical bullshit about that they do. They are 'all' their own lobbyist group, perpetuating their own jobs by legislature that gives them letigation when and if they need to go out into the real world of jobs without US footing their bill. Of course by doing this it is always US that foot their bills, at least after any and all of them have been in office for one term. Sad, more so, is that when a prospective attempted honest politician tries to run for office, we the people ignore them. We prefer, it seems, to be lied to, cheated on, and then marry them anyways, then turn around and therefore be able to blame them for what we ignored in the first place. Please remember, President Bush and President Clinton, yes both of them, one a liberal and one a conservative, both by their own definitions, took our 'young men and woman, boys and girls' into other countries and bombed unsuspecting innocents because as President Clinton coined it, 'they're collateral damage' of war. This means that the 'good ole boys, and now girls too, club of DC' is about themselves. Surprised?

Either you are a sociology professor or someone equally as simple, because your tunnel-vision view of how this nation works is rather incoherent.

It's times like these I like to imagine a heavenly orb smashing into our little blue planet and remind myself that it will all be over soon.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe that would be the first time Bush has referred to Australia as Austria. I seem to remember it happening a few years ago as well. I'm surprised he manages to get here at all.

Oh, well. With any luck it will all be over soon...

Bush better be careful. We all know how senstive Australians can be.

Honestly, this is on the low end of gaffes The Bush has made. At least he didn't try to give anyone a massage this time.