NEWS: The Sunday Hangover with Warren Ellis

POLITICS: The Sunday Hangover with Warren Ellis

THE SUNDAY HANGOVER

So what do we know today that we didn't know last week? Well, there's members of the Quebec police posing as demonstrators in order to kick up a ruckus and create an excuse for their uniformed comrades to go into the otherwise peaceful protestors with batons. The Quebec police, caught red-handed, openly admit they did it, with a "and what the fuck are you going to do about it, Anglo peegs?" attitude. Which would be new, if most people didn't already know that French Canadians are among the most unpleasant mammals on the face of the planet. I couldn't give a fuck how many soldiers they send to serve with the United Nations -- if Canada wants to impress me, it needs to saw off the French bit and float it out of the Cabot Strait and into the North Atlantic. Let's see how long those shiteaters last when they only have each other to sneer at.

What else? Ah, yes: it turns out that a company hired at great expense to take on dangerous and difficult demolition work at Ground Zero in New York City doesn't actually... exist. This is a wonderful story. This company has no records to speak of, its president is contractually prevented from talking to the press or anyone else, and very few people in the architecture and engineering trades have actually heard of it. Which may possibly explain how, on Friday, one of their workers lost control of a pallet jack -- not the most complicated bit of apparatus you ever saw -- while working on the 23rd floor of the building, managing to somehow drop it on a temporary shed and all but killing the two guys inside it. And it was the third incident there this summer to harm or kill firefighters. The name of this operation? The John Galt Company. Who is John Galt? That's the question that runs through mad-as-arseholes Ayn Rand's novel ATLAS SHRUGGED, wherein he appears as a mysterious character hellbent on destroying the world that terrible leftie types made. He's a fake engineer. And John Galt Co would appear to be a fake company, insofar as they don't seem to have done anything but make the area more toxic and kill even more people. People on the net, of course, are already asking if John Galt Co are a shell or storefront company for the CIA. Which sounds like bullshit at first blush, but, really: who could invent the idea of a fictional company actually named for a fictional character getting hired to clean up Ground Zero and doing nothing but making more mess and killing more firemen?

And, apparently, a great Cosmic Nothingness has been found. A void in space that’s a billion light years across – a significant chunk of the visible universe, in fact. Right now, as I type this, cosmologists and technologists are developing a perfect explanation of why we have dragged ourselves from the amniotic muck of early time, through a history rank with blood and horror, into an age of scientific marvels, striving to see through millions of years of old light and across the immense and jeweled universe itself – to look at a fucking great hole.

See, this is why I don’t have a fucking jet pack. “No, no, we need umpty million quid to look for fucking great holes, why on earth would we want to cure cancer, the common cold or Frenchness?” Bastards. Happy Sunday morning. Now fuck off.

You should hire John Galt to cure Frenchness...

I'll keep all of my Jean Pierre Melville DVDs though, thanks.

Yes. YES! YES!

You should write for the Newswire more often!

It would be a fitting thing if the hole in the universe was either a giant black hole we're about to enter... or if NASA's equipment just kept fucking up in the same spot or something. I wouldn't put it past them.

And of course it's a conspiracy. Anything involved with that fucking hole in the ground in NYC is a conspiracy. You want to talk about holes in the universe? There's one right here on Earth that still hasn't gotten filled in six years' time.

Maybe we could fill both with French Canadians.

Love,
The girl whose mom's first girlfriend when she came out as a lesbian was Quebecois... but she's not reading this, I'm fairly sure.

This is New York City and the construction industry. Has anyone thought that this may be a front company for the cosa nostra, rather than the CIA? Just a thought!

Wait, they SERIOUSLY hired a company named John Galt to clean up the site? Fuck, man, that's just beautiful. Stupendous, really.

As for the French-Canadians, they're just doing what they've learned from the Bush regime: pretend it's always been like this, and when someone questions you or your motives, tell them they're full of shit and be arrogant about it. It's Animal Farm erasing of history, and it's global, baby.

Maybe they should have hired the Howard Roark Co. instead.

heh i was going to ask eastern canada to join my new nation after the revolution, but if it would offend you then i say that they can sod off

Hmm, that's a good point. Stuff like this doesn't always have to be a conspiracy, it could be either pure stupidity or something we've seen before(The Mafia taking over.)

maybe the mafia of old -- but the 2007 mafia are pale shades of their predecessors.

Indeed, now it's the Russian mob.

Those Russians are smart!

I look at a hole of nothing all the time. My roomate.

I'd like to say for the record that Frenchness is nothing to joke about. Due to a rare genetic defect, my younger brother was born French. He has struggled with it all his life, and it has caused unimaginable misery and suffering for the rest of our family.

Nothing funnier than a drunk in a space hole than a drunk in a huge space hole.

its now a common thing to hear people at my work say "i want my fucking jetpack"

lol cure Frenchness...now that is classic!

haven't read any grumpy Warren in awhile...makes me smile...

Did you hear about how those scientific sky watching types also found a huge fuck off diamond floating in the middle of nowhere (space), now that is way cooler than any great hole in the sky or even dare I say it a jet pack. Taxpayers cash well spent I tell you!

I hope it's revealed that one of the scientists painted the lens black to fuck with one of the other scientists.

can anyone write an article for this site without sounding like a self rightous asshole? Calling French Canadians "shiteaters", and "the most unpleasant mammals on the face of the planet" isn't really funny if you are trying to be funny, and is just unnecessarily vitrolic if you are not (ie racist). I suppose you think this type of writing is the only way someone your age can appear "cool" to 18 year old whatever- types who can't be bothered about politics unless it's made more punk by adding edgy language. Ohhh... you told me to fuck off, I can totally relate man.

Obviously you need to be told to fuck off more than once, you humourless cunt.

warrenellis for the win.