NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

Without the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, Saturday would be a nightmarishly boring day. We can only assume how suicides would increase in an AFR-less world, which means I am saving lives. Many, many lives. I scoured the news again this week and I have found a beautiful collection of Asshole Fuckfaces. Hang onto your chest hair and take a look at this week's winners.

The first Asshole Fuckface of the week is a company that just wants to keep our kids safe.

The Asshole Fuckfaces at MJ Safety Solutions have come up with an answer to the many school shootings that plague our society. Backpacks made out of body armor! Yay! Personally, I prefer the Ballistic Backpack.

Fear = money! And it will make your children feel comfortable every time they step foot on school grounds, because kids feel better when they are constantly reminded that they could be shot. And your son will never be ridiculed for having a backpack made out of armor. Patton Oswalt, a nerd who was most probably horribly abused in high school, emailed me this gem this morning.

Come on, Oswalt, let it go. You fucking won already!

I could easily pick Joe Lieberman every week because he has amazing Asshole Fuckface instincts, but this week the Senator has outdone himself.

On Thursday morning Lieberman issued a press release. He thought it was a great day to bag on the Democratic Congressional leadership for their opinions on Iraq.

The “ally” Lieberman was referring to was Iraqi president Maliki. Apparently if you talk shit about Iraq’s shitty leader, you are aiding terrorists. Although this is Lieberman's standard bullshit, it was delivered on the wrong day. He looked like a complete Asshole Fuckface because Thursday was the same day the new National Intelligence Estimate was released.

Two hours later:

Oops. I’m sure Senator Asshole Fuckface will promptly say he was wrong, because he always apologizes when he wrong. Right?

And speaking of being wrong…Fox News lives deep in the world of Asshole Fuckfaces.

Fox is on the war path and it’s not the Iraq war path. The target is Iran and this time it is…exactly the fucking same.



And why shouldn’t Fox get their viewers fired up about attacking Iran? The Iraq war is not going well, so it is obviously not fun to cover. That is why Fox News now devotes only 8% of its airtime to Iraq war coverage. The idiots at CNN devote 18%, while MSNBC gives the war 15%. Fox needs something positive to show their viewers, like a kick-ass bombing campaign!

If you set a man’s dick on fire, you will always find yourself in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

A Russian couple was forced to live together for three years after their divorce. Apparently it is common for divorced couples to live together because property is so expensive. This week, the ex-husband had a few drinks while he was watching TV. He must have had a lot of vodka because he didn’t notice his ex-wife setting his cock on fire.

Turns out a penis fire is not enjoyable.

Neither do I. I didn’t even know penises were flammable.

I’m going to wrap up this Asshole Fuckface jamboree with the greatest Asshole Fuckface of all time. Ted Nugent.

Ted had a concert in Anaheim last week during which he called for several Democrats to kill themselves. Or, I should say, retardedly alluded to their deaths.



As a stand up comedian and comedy writer, I can only dream of coming up with such brilliant lines.

Those 30 years of being a front man have really paid off! The Nuge knows how to turn a clever phrase.

Yeah, fuck her! She has a different political ideology than you, so she should die!

Ha ha! She's a witch. Get it? That is why she is riding a machine gun. That is some quality shit, Nuge!

Ah, okay, well, we are starting to repeat a bit here. But what the hell, it was a quality joke and it deserved another go.

Uh, yeah, how about a shockingly ironic William Wallace death scene scream?

Thanks, Nuge.

Congrats to all of this week winners! You each get a FearTheReaper necklace. Cubic zirconia set in gold, bitch!

I have always held a passionately strong dislike for Ted Nugent.

Oh, that's classic.

So, uh, how does the Ballistic Backpack help you not get shot in the face?

And about the penis arsonist, I never saw anything in the original news story about her motivation for torching her ex's unit. What if he just confessed to fucking a dozen or so different women while they were married, and that he was pretty sure he'd given her an STD?

Okay extreme and unlikely example. All the same, I'd still be more inclined to call her batshit mental than and Asshole Fuckface. But hey, this way she gets a necklace!

Most shooters aren't going to be able to hit you clean in the head, esp if you are running away. They will probably aim for the center of mass, which is a large target and contains a lot of vital organs.

And my attitude towards the ballistic backpack: Luck favors the prepared

Of course, you could always just carry a backpack full of textbooks. But at around 100 bucks a pop, the armor plating is going to be cheaper

Hey, at least it's not what they have come up with in britain to deal with the far more common problem they have in British schools: Kevlar clothing to help protect against knife-related injuries (although kevlar will only protect against slashes, not stabbings).

And there's still nothing to defend against a common problem in the police state of Maryland: Gang members buying and training pitbulls to be vicious sons of bitches and using them as weapons.

But I know how much fearthereaper hates us guntards

The idea that a parent would buy a bullet-proof backpack for their kid and consider that a worthwhile solution to the problem of violence in schools is soul-crushing.

Come now FTR, it didn't really take you 30 years to figure out the 'Nuge 'is an AFF did it.

Here I was getting all sentimental about leaving the U.S., and then you come along and remind me that America is the home of Fox News and Ted Nugent. Thanks, FTR!

everyone should think alike, and the ones that don't should, um, die...

1. So they offer armored backpacks but not armored halter tops and wife beaters? what are they thinking, that teenagers are actually as bulletproof as they think they are and they should protect their valuable textbooks that could probably stop a bullet on their own?

2. Lieberman Smieberman...does anybody listen to him? I mean, I suppose they do otherwise he wouldn't be getting any airtime...I dunno, though, it seems like everything that comes out of his mouth is just...excrement.

3. Fox News should have a lifetime achievement AFR award...personally I don't know why Iran is such a big deal now...it's not like they've become more threatening over the past four years, they've always been threatening...but rattling sabers is going to just make the Cons look more desperate to start an all out world war.

4. I'm sure the Russian fellow has a blossoming career in pornagraphy ahead of him.

5. Ted Nugent is...I don't even know...he's like...like...there's no word for it! And that pisses me off because Ted Nugent is a) not that unique and b) not worth my anger and frustration! Would somebody please expose him for the asshole fuckface that he is so he can carve a rebel flag on his forehead and go hang out with Charles Manson or something?

If those people start another war, they'll probably have to institute a draft, and that will put an end to all this nonsense. Don't they know that an empire crumbles when it starts to spead its forces too thin?

FTR: I think that, from now on, you should refer to Fox News as "Asshole Fuckface, Incorporated."

I don't think I've ever agreed this much with anything you've said.

So this is what happens when you leave Cat Scratch Fever untreated for decades...

haha I could see him saying it too.
"FreeeeeDooommmmm!!!" then like his tie falling off or something, No wait his pants falling off and him wearing like the american flag boxers! > _> Complete with spooge marks! heh sorry....



FREEEDOOMM FOR PIRATES!!

All of a sudden I think back to high school when our teachers got pissed for us bringing our backpacks into class. I have this awesomely ironic mental image of a classroom full of kids all shot to pieces, with their kevlar backpacks tucked safely away in their lockers.

Hmmmm, a backpack equipped with SAPI plates? I don't know about a backpack made of the same shit, poor kids, that will weigh at least 60 or 70 lbs with books and lunch! LOL!

Liebermann, what can you do?

Have Hannity and Colmes achieved Asshole Fuckface status yet? I'll just assume the whole Fox News AFR award encompasses the whole crew.

The Russian broad, well, thats just wrong!

I've never really paid much attention to Ted Nugent. Thank goodness.

One things for sure, the Ballistic Backpack offers more protection than the "Gun Free Zone" ever will.

So if you are going to shoot up a school, call in a bomb/drug scare, since I believe that in a lot of schools, this will force kids to put there backpacks in lockers (to be searched by dogs).

Ted Nugent is still alive?

Does anyone else not see the irony of this being said in an article called the Asshole Fuckface Roundup which routinely bashes people of a differing political opinion from the author?

Unless you can site examples of FTR talking about how he wants Dick Cheney to ride his machine gun, I don't see your point.

Fuck the ballistic backpack. If I were to have kids, they would wear this to school.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

After covering each plate in Kevlar, it shall be both safe and stylish.

I want a bullet proof back pack! That would be sweet as hell. Anything bullet proof is automatically cool. And anyone who disagrees with me can just ride the Nuge's machine gun into the sunset or suck on it or whatever he was telling people to do.

I think FTR reaches across political aisles in an amazingly fair manner to point out all of the fuckfaces out there... I'm too lazy to dig up the links but he has called out both Ralph Nader and THE DICK cheney.

Ted Nudent is an F*ing idiot, Here's another lovely quote of his:

Um... yeah.

Let's face it: that Russian woman burned the wrong penis

[insert photoshop of TN's flaming member below]