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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

AUG 11, 2007 02:27 AM



It's Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Many of you poor bastards don’t have the time to scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces, so I do it for you. Hang on to your pants and take a look at this week's winners.

We start in a state that is constantly giving Florida a run for worst in the country: Virginia.

High school teacher Deb Serio discovered that a “smudge” of driveway sealant looked quite a bit like Jesus Christ. Naturally, word got out about the splotch of God and she began to receive messages from all over the world. Serio did not think the Jesus stain was a miracle, but still put it up on eBay and prayed that there was a remote chance that one of the few religious lunatics in America would buy it.


"I really never thought I'd get any, to be honest," said Deb Serio.


Surprise. Some idiot coughed up $1,525.69 to buy the chunk of stained concrete that could just as easily be the image of Ted Nugent. The buyer has only been identified as “Islandoffthecoast” or “Douchebag.” A contractor will remove the slab of Nugent stained concrete and ship it to the nutjob. Thank goodness the buyer didn't donate that money to the poor or hungry.

I am going to learn to pee in the shape of Jesus, shit in the shape of Jesus, pour brake fluid in the shape of Jesus, form grill drippings in the shape of Jesus and smash bananas against windows in the shape of Jesus. Actually, I will learn how to pour any fluid in the shape of Jesus. I will then be rich. Yay, America.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a man you will be seeing on the Roundup for many months to come. Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani decided it would be a good idea to say that he spent more time at ground zero that most of the recovery workers.




I was at ground zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers. I was there working with them.


Is it possible to be a bigger Asshole Fuckface? Rudy was called on his bullshit comment by the media and other presidential candidates. He then tried to backtrack.


What I was trying to say yesterday is that I empathize with them because I feel like I have that same risk. And the way I said it, I probably could have said it better, but what I was trying to say was I was there quite a bit, there are people that were there more than me, people that were there less than me.


He couldn’t even bring himself to make an appropriate apology. He still had to throw in the fact that he spent more time at ground zero some workers. What an amazing Asshole.

It didn’t take long for the people who spent time at ground zero to respond.


Fire Captain and Giuliani foe James Riches, whose firefighter son died on 9/11, said: "That's insulting and disgraceful. He's a liar. I was down there on my hands and knees looking for my son.


Battalion Chief John McDonnell, head of the Uniformed Fire Officers Association in New York, added: "I have a real problem with that statement. I think he's really grasping and trying to justify his previous attempts to portray himself as the hero of 9/11."


International Association of Fire Fighters General President Harold Schaitberger released a statement tearing Giuliani a new asshole. (Which is weird because he is an Asshole Fuckface)


Giuliani has succeeded in becoming a multi millionaire on the backs of those who perished that day -- going from a guy who reported that he only had $7,000 to his name in his 2001 divorce filings, to a multi-millionaire --- and it's despicable.

It's not just our union, FDNY fire fighters and family members calling him on his 9-11 lies, now the police are, iron workers who were on that pile are -- everyone is calling him on his lies.


I lived in New York when Giuliani was mayor. Comments like this are not exactly a rare occurrence for Rudy and his inability to show any amount of genuine remorse is standard. There is no way he gets through a presidential campaign without a major fuckup.

There can never be enough George Bush in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

We have finally found something that George is excels at: Vacationing. Two days ago he took off for another holiday, this time to his family’s compound in Maine. After an awesome weekend with his Mommy and Daddy, he will head down to Texas, where he has taken 65 different trips since 2001.

To date, Bush has spent 418 days of his presidency on vacation. That is 17% of his total days in office. Have you been allowed to take 17% of the last 6 years off? No? That is probably because you have a really important job, unlike the President of the United States.

Bush is looking to shatter the current record held by another horrible President: Ronald Reagan. Over his 8 years on office, Ronald was on vacation for 436 days. Bush is only 18 days behind Reagan with 17 months to go, which means Bush will not just beat the record, he will shatter it. Hope the war is not too tough on you, George!

It is hard to get through an Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a taking a trip to Texas.

Last week an Arlington church backed out of hosting a funeral for a dead man because he was gay. Cecil Sinclair was a Navy vet who served in Desert Storm. He was not a member of the High Point Church, but his brother was and when Cecil became ill with a heart condition six years ago church members prayed for him.

Last week he died and the church agreed to host Cecil’s memorial service. But after church officials saw a video that was to be a part of the service, they freaked out. The church pastor explained the horrible images.


Some of those photos had very strong homosexual images of kissing and hugging. My ministry associates were taken aback.


Dude, if you think a picture of men kissing is a “strong homosexual image,” I could show you some Herculean homosexual images. The church pastor also said the church would hold services for other sinners, like murderers and thieves – but not men who have sex with other men. There is a simple explanation.


But I don't think the mother would submit photos of her son murdering someone. That's a red light going off.


How deep is this whole you are going to be digging, pastor? Because at this point it’s mighty deep.

The family found a local funeral home to hold the service. The church then sent over food and the video, but they took out the “offensive images.” Again, the pastor explained.


Some of our people will be there at the memorial service. We tried to do the very best of our ability to express the love of Christ.


That is pure Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive your very own FearTheReaper embroidered pillowcase.

code_red

code_red

Portland, OR
July 2005

AUG 11, 2007 09:41 AM

A small price to pay for such an amazing collectible. Good roundup!

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

AUG 11, 2007 09:49 AM

So... what? They actually went to the effort and did some video editing before sending the video over?

TheFox

TheFox

Durham, NC
February 2006

AUG 11, 2007 09:49 AM

They altered the video before sending it elsewhere to be viewed. *shakes head* I hope the family had another copy.

I think I should apply for more vacation time, too... I mean - the Prez sets an example, right? If he can do it, why can't I?

And, really... can we have a human run for president? I live (literally) down the street from Edwards and have never met the guy (though I did see him out and about town one day)... can we add compassion and intelligence to the requirements for office?

RubberSoul

RubberSoul

Los Angeles, CA
February 2003

AUG 11, 2007 09:53 AM

Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.

OpticNerve

OpticNerve

Arlington, MA
November 2003

AUG 11, 2007 09:59 AM

Fuck, Giuliani has some balls. If he was so ubiquitous at the WTC site, as he claims, then where the fuck did he find the time to hold those over-priced speaking engagements and to write that self-serving book on leadership, both of which earned him the millions of dollars on which he now sits?

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

AUG 11, 2007 10:20 AM

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.



Yes, your membership does go to pay for me to write such horrible stories. It is quite a quandary you are in but you can do your part to decrease my odds of keeping this job. All you have to do is cancel your membership and list my writing as the reason.

Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.

JekyllAndHyde

JekyllAndHyde

Baltimore, MD
April 2005

AUG 11, 2007 10:30 AM

I'm starting a campaign to have the city of Austin officially secede from the state of Texas; I heard about the Arlington church thing yesterday and once again it got me thinking about how Austin is like the bastard step-child of Texas that never does what it's "supposed" to do.

Adroitbeing

Adroitbeing

I'm lost
September 2003

AUG 11, 2007 10:44 AM

FearTheReaper said:

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.



Yes, your membership does go to pay for me to write such horrible stories. It is quite a quandary you are in but you can do your part to decrease my odds of keeping this job. All you have to do is cancel your membership and list my writing as the reason.

Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.



FTR; don't you ever feel some burning desire to kiss these idiots before you fuck them?

Keep it up!!

Keri

Keri

SUICIDEGIRL

Virginia, USA

AUG 11, 2007 10:49 AM

FearTheReaper said:
We start in a state that is constantly giving Florida a run for worst in the country: Virginia.



tell me about it...
puke


High school teacher Deb Serio discovered that a "smudge" of driveway sealant looked quite a bit like Jesus Christ. Naturally, word got out about the splotch of God and she began to receive messages from all over the world. Serio did not think the Jesus stain was a miracle, but still put it up on eBay and prayed that there was a remote chance that one of the few religious lunatics in America would buy it.



to me it looked like Jason Lee . Jesus only appears in grilled cheese sandwiches anyways. psht.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

AUG 11, 2007 10:55 AM

Adroitbeing said:

FearTheReaper said:

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.



Yes, your membership does go to pay for me to write such horrible stories. It is quite a quandary you are in but you can do your part to decrease my odds of keeping this job. All you have to do is cancel your membership and list my writing as the reason.

Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.



FTR; don't you ever feel some burning desire to kiss these idiots before you fuck them?

Keep it up!!



He's just a cute kid with a sassy mouth. If you look on his blog, it's just page after page of song lyrics - you know, like you'd expect from a girl in junior high school. So, I don't take his opinion very seriously.

JackMD

JackMD

Vashon, WA
June 2004

AUG 11, 2007 11:13 AM

JekyllAndHyde said:
I'm starting a campaign to have the city of Austin officially secede from the state of Texas; I heard about the Arlington church thing yesterday and once again it got me thinking about how Austin is like the bastard step-child of Texas that never does what it's "supposed" to do.


There is a reason they call it "Austin City Limits".

Vestril

Vestril

Coronado, CA
February 2003

AUG 11, 2007 11:16 AM

FearTheReaper said:

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.



Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.



This part makes me feel warm and tingly inside.

KingHELL

kinghell

Portland, OR
July 2003

AUG 11, 2007 11:43 AM

FearTheReaper said:

Adroitbeing said:

FearTheReaper said:

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.



Yes, your membership does go to pay for me to write such horrible stories. It is quite a quandary you are in but you can do your part to decrease my odds of keeping this job. All you have to do is cancel your membership and list my writing as the reason.

Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.



FTR; don't you ever feel some burning desire to kiss these idiots before you fuck them?

Keep it up!!



He's just a cute kid with a sassy mouth. If you look on his blog, it's just page after page of song lyrics - you know, like you'd expect from a girl in junior high school. So, I don't take his opinion very seriously.



A glimpse of the future.

KingHELL

kinghell

Portland, OR
July 2003

AUG 11, 2007 11:45 AM

RubberSoul said:
As much of a shock as it may be to someone who scatches out a living with by making nonsensical Internet posts, some of us are more occupied with more gainful pursuits than to waste time blogging



Says the kid who's spending his Saturday morning trolling on the porno boards...

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

AUG 11, 2007 11:52 AM

RubberSoul said:
As much of a shock as it may be to someone who scatches out a living with by making nonsensical Internet posts, some of us are more occupied with more gainful pursuits than to waste time blogging



but not so occupied that you can't drop by to comment. see you next post!

Skywisdom

Skywisdom

Portland, OR
December 2005

AUG 11, 2007 12:12 PM





Ahahhaha! I love the Onion.
Ugh. I can't wait for the election to be Clinton vs Giuliani. That'll be great, I love crying myself to sleep every night.

goatinamoat

goatinamoat

New York, NY
March 2006

AUG 11, 2007 01:02 PM

Democrats must have been on their best behavior this week.

jpmansell

jpmansell

Thomaston, GA
February 2007

AUG 11, 2007 01:45 PM

I'm new to this site, what do we do with all the asswhole fuckfaces once we round them up? shocked

Trahern

Trahern

United Kingdom
March 2003

AUG 11, 2007 01:51 PM

Islandoffthecoast is a covert Vatican operative, or worse, a covert operative for the other side. whatever Really, is Deb the asshole or whoever bought the thing? Because I say yay Deb for making some money off of such a wacky thing.

mechanicalbirds

mechanicalbirds

Portland, OR
December 2004

AUG 11, 2007 02:18 PM

this is always a great article, i look forward to reading it every week, but it could really stand some basic editing. please.

commonman

commonman

USA
August 2003

AUG 11, 2007 03:05 PM

While GWB is exactly what you say he is, I don't think his being on vacation is a bad thing. I'd be happier if he had only spent 418 days working and the rest on vacation.

As for the funeral, at least they didn't call up the Westboro Baptist Church to invite them to picket.

shamrock6996

shamrock6996

Belpre, OH
May 2007

AUG 11, 2007 03:29 PM

awesome roundup. i always look forward to this post.

GetFighted

GetFighted

Bloomfield, NJ
September 2006

AUG 11, 2007 05:13 PM

Are members allowed on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup?

lavenir

lavenir

Turlock, CA
June 2007

AUG 11, 2007 06:29 PM

RubberSoul said:
Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.

How exactly will our tax dollars support FearTheReaper?

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