NEWS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

POLITICS: Asshole Fuckface Roundup

It's Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Many of you poor bastards don’t have the time to scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces, so I do it for you. Hang on to your pants and take a look at this week's winners.

We start in a state that is constantly giving Florida a run for worst in the country: Virginia.

High school teacher Deb Serio discovered that a “smudge” of driveway sealant looked quite a bit like Jesus Christ. Naturally, word got out about the splotch of God and she began to receive messages from all over the world. Serio did not think the Jesus stain was a miracle, but still put it up on eBay and prayed that there was a remote chance that one of the few religious lunatics in America would buy it.

Surprise. Some idiot coughed up $1,525.69 to buy the chunk of stained concrete that could just as easily be the image of Ted Nugent. The buyer has only been identified as “Islandoffthecoast” or “Douchebag.” A contractor will remove the slab of Nugent stained concrete and ship it to the nutjob. Thank goodness the buyer didn't donate that money to the poor or hungry.

I am going to learn to pee in the shape of Jesus, shit in the shape of Jesus, pour brake fluid in the shape of Jesus, form grill drippings in the shape of Jesus and smash bananas against windows in the shape of Jesus. Actually, I will learn how to pour any fluid in the shape of Jesus. I will then be rich. Yay, America.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a man you will be seeing on the Roundup for many months to come. Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani decided it would be a good idea to say that he spent more time at ground zero that most of the recovery workers.

Is it possible to be a bigger Asshole Fuckface? Rudy was called on his bullshit comment by the media and other presidential candidates. He then tried to backtrack.

He couldn’t even bring himself to make an appropriate apology. He still had to throw in the fact that he spent more time at ground zero some workers. What an amazing Asshole.

It didn’t take long for the people who spent time at ground zero to respond.

International Association of Fire Fighters General President Harold Schaitberger released a statement tearing Giuliani a new asshole. (Which is weird because he is an Asshole Fuckface)

I lived in New York when Giuliani was mayor. Comments like this are not exactly a rare occurrence for Rudy and his inability to show any amount of genuine remorse is standard. There is no way he gets through a presidential campaign without a major fuckup.

There can never be enough George Bush in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

We have finally found something that George is excels at: Vacationing. Two days ago he took off for another holiday, this time to his family’s compound in Maine. After an awesome weekend with his Mommy and Daddy, he will head down to Texas, where he has taken 65 different trips since 2001.

To date, Bush has spent 418 days of his presidency on vacation. That is 17% of his total days in office. Have you been allowed to take 17% of the last 6 years off? No? That is probably because you have a really important job, unlike the President of the United States.

Bush is looking to shatter the current record held by another horrible President: Ronald Reagan. Over his 8 years on office, Ronald was on vacation for 436 days. Bush is only 18 days behind Reagan with 17 months to go, which means Bush will not just beat the record, he will shatter it. Hope the war is not too tough on you, George!

It is hard to get through an Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a taking a trip to Texas.

Last week an Arlington church backed out of hosting a funeral for a dead man because he was gay. Cecil Sinclair was a Navy vet who served in Desert Storm. He was not a member of the High Point Church, but his brother was and when Cecil became ill with a heart condition six years ago church members prayed for him.

Last week he died and the church agreed to host Cecil’s memorial service. But after church officials saw a video that was to be a part of the service, they freaked out. The church pastor explained the horrible images.

Dude, if you think a picture of men kissing is a “strong homosexual image,” I could show you some Herculean homosexual images. The church pastor also said the church would hold services for other sinners, like murderers and thieves – but not men who have sex with other men. There is a simple explanation.

How deep is this whole you are going to be digging, pastor? Because at this point it’s mighty deep.

The family found a local funeral home to hold the service. The church then sent over food and the video, but they took out the “offensive images.” Again, the pastor explained.

That is pure Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive your very own FearTheReaper embroidered pillowcase.

A small price to pay for such an amazing collectible. Good roundup!

So... what? They actually went to the effort and did some video editing before sending the video over?

They altered the video before sending it elsewhere to be viewed. *shakes head* I hope the family had another copy.

I think I should apply for more vacation time, too... I mean - the Prez sets an example, right? If he can do it, why can't I?

And, really... can we have a human run for president? I live (literally) down the street from Edwards and have never met the guy (though I did see him out and about town one day)... can we add compassion and intelligence to the requirements for office?

Dude, do you have a job? I certainly hope so because I don't want tax dollars going toward supporting you while you sit around in your living room generating this twaddle.

Fuck, Giuliani has some balls. If he was so ubiquitous at the WTC site, as he claims, then where the fuck did he find the time to hold those over-priced speaking engagements and to write that self-serving book on leadership, both of which earned him the millions of dollars on which he now sits?

Yes, your membership does go to pay for me to write such horrible stories. It is quite a quandary you are in but you can do your part to decrease my odds of keeping this job. All you have to do is cancel your membership and list my writing as the reason.

Good luck, shockingly repetetive guy who has just been put on ignore.

I'm starting a campaign to have the city of Austin officially secede from the state of Texas; I heard about the Arlington church thing yesterday and once again it got me thinking about how Austin is like the bastard step-child of Texas that never does what it's "supposed" to do.

FTR; don't you ever feel some burning desire to kiss these idiots before you fuck them?

Keep it up!!

He's just a cute kid with a sassy mouth. If you look on his blog, it's just page after page of song lyrics - you know, like you'd expect from a girl in junior high school. So, I don't take his opinion very seriously.

There is a reason they call it "Austin City Limits".

This part makes me feel warm and tingly inside.

A glimpse of the future.

Says the kid who's spending his Saturday morning trolling on the porno boards...

but not so occupied that you can't drop by to comment. see you next post!

Ahahhaha! I love the Onion.
Ugh. I can't wait for the election to be Clinton vs Giuliani. That'll be great, I love crying myself to sleep every night.

Democrats must have been on their best behavior this week.

I'm new to this site, what do we do with all the asswhole fuckfaces once we round them up?

Islandoffthecoast is a covert Vatican operative, or worse, a covert operative for the other side. Really, is Deb the asshole or whoever bought the thing? Because I say yay Deb for making some money off of such a wacky thing.

this is always a great article, i look forward to reading it every week, but it could really stand some basic editing. please.

While GWB is exactly what you say he is, I don't think his being on vacation is a bad thing. I'd be happier if he had only spent 418 days working and the rest on vacation.

As for the funeral, at least they didn't call up the Westboro Baptist Church to invite them to picket.

awesome roundup. i always look forward to this post.

Are members allowed on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup?

How exactly will our tax dollars support FearTheReaper?