NEWS: Jerking Off Is Now A Crime, Please Kill Me

POLITICS: Jerking Off Is Now A Crime, Please Kill Me

There is something worse than living in Florida: Being sent to a prison in Florida. There is something worse than living in a prison in Florida: Not being able to jerk off in a prison in Florida. This week a 20-year-old inmate in the Broward County jail was convicted of masturbating while alone in his jail cell. You read that correctly. A 20-year-old dude was convicted of jerking off while he was alone in his jail cell. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case you are having as hard a time with this as I am. A 20-year-old was convicted of rubbing his cock until semen shot out while he was alone in a jail cell. He convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days for the offense. Florida is officially the worst place, ever.

I find it difficult to be alone with my cock in my bedroom without touching it – and I am not deprived of sex. My wife allows me to place my penis in her often and move it about until it goes, “ugh” and releases some sort of sauce. I am lucky. If I were alone in a jail cell, I would attack my penis until it looked like it had lasted fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime. There would be no stopping how often and how furiously I would masturbate. It would keep me off drugs and out of an Aryan gang. I would have no need to shank anyone, ever. The fact that masturbation is somehow illegal in prison boggles the mind.

Seven other inmates have also been charged with rubbing their cocks to orgasm. Three of the inmates have accepted plea deals, three are awaiting trial and one had his case dismissed. The same deputy, who just happens to be female, charged all of them. I think it is safe to say a man would never charge another man for jerking off.

During the trial, jurors were asked about their own “masturbation habits.” They were also asked to raise their hands if they had never masturbated. Not one juror put their naughty hand up. And that is just the beginning of the worst trial in the history of mankind.

Nicely done. The defense attorney actually asked the guard if she had considered calling in the SWAT team to stop the prisoner from masturbating.

Well played, you fucking lunatic. He should have been shot for his horrible self-loving. Why do I think you have never had an orgasm? You just seem bitter.

The jury convicted after determining that a prison cell was neither public nor private but was a "limited access public place.” What a prudent use of state of Florida’s money. The only person worse than the prison guard is the prosecutor who took this crap to trail. We should all rub one out in protest.

this is just hilarious. really had a good laugh over this one.

*shakes head*

A very well written article. A very poorly staffed criminal justice system.

Can we finally just sell Florida back to the Spanish?

Nice find.

*Goes and shoots himself*

Well duh

You're not supposed to whack off in prison, you're supposed to find a nubile young inmate to forcibly give teh buttsecks to.

If jerking off truely was a crime, most of us would be on death row.

yeah this blew mind when i read it as well

i guess they advised the female officer to tattle on inmates, after watching the entire act of course

but come on, seriously, even Bitch_Phd would have to admit that this guard is one evil bitch

they alone
for long periods of time
and have nothing to do

i'd probably be fucking the concrete cell walls!

That's about what I was thinking.

Well I'm not sure we have all the information.
Was he standing at the bars of the cell and exposing himself to this female guard and jerking off or was he in his bunk silently whacking off?
There's a difference.

Nevermind. Just read the article. She observed him on video.
I wonder if the jury saw a tape. lol

I am currently rubbing one off. UNF

Ahem. From the article:

The guard was just afraid that she might have get in the line of fire.
Just like the scene from Silence of The Lambs.

See above. :p

Um...no. I'm a little afraid to look at your spoilers at this point.

Hah! God damn hilarious...

Also, yeah, this story is ridiculous. All responsible should be pummeled.

Should I just go turn myself in right now... or wait for the SWAT team?

You were writing that at the same time I was writing my response.

But just for the record, reading the story before commenting would make your screen name a good deal less ironic.

Welcome to the Soviet States of Amerika!

In Soviet Russia, jerks off you!

huh huh ... staffed