NEWS: Is It Wrong To Beat Up A Hummer?

POLITICS: Is It Wrong To Beat Up A Hummer?

There was no greater joy for America than when Hummers began rolling down our streets and highways. The H2 began rolling off the assembly line in 2003. It was and still is a beast. The timing was perfect, because the war was in full swing and the H2 really began to sell. I don’t know if there was a better way to show how much you supported our troops, than to ride down suburban streets in a war vehicle. Our boys were fighting for our lifestyle! It’s called freedom! It was like driving over the corpse of Saddam Hussein every time you got behind the wheel. Sure, terrorists had attacked us and there was something about the US having a dependence on foreign oil and the terrorists were from the place where the oil was, blah, blah, blah…you finally had a car that made you feel like a man.

The H2 got 9 mpg when it was released, a fact we only knew because car reviewers told us. Due to the H2’s massive gross vehicle weight rating over 8500 lbs, our government doesn’t require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations, which means GM doesn’t have to publish its fuel economy. How awesome and American is that? Get off my back, Uncle Sam! I want freedom!

Those were the glory days. George W Bush’s approval ratings were sky high. On May 1st, he declared that “major combat operations” in Iraq were over. The Hummer was the perfect car for the time and will always be associated with the Bush glory years. It was everything the administration was: Arrogant, reckless, wanna-be macho, wasteful, aggressive, selfish and totally thoughtless.

Bush helped H2 sales skyrocket by increasing the IRS Sec. 179 tax deduction. You could now basically get a Hummer for free.

Fuckin’ A. We embraced the glory of irresponsibility like teenagers. Bush was leading in a “screw it all” way and we were following. But then the war was not going well and gas prices started to rise. As Bush’s popularity sank, so did Hummer sales. In 2005, sales dropped off 22 percent and in 2006 they dropped 27 percent off of the 2005 numbers. Bush has now plummeted to approval ratings in the 20s. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

The Bush glory years were over. People actually began to see that there were consequences for their behavior. Maybe everything wasn’t going to turn out right just because they wanted it to. Deep down, every person who still drives a Hummer knows they are doing something wrong. If you still own a Hummer today, you are a selfish glutton. You are an irresponsible, pig of a human being. Or you could just be an idiot, like Gareth Groves.

Gareth is 32 and lives with his mom in Washington, DC. Like most 32-year-olds who still live with their mothers, he went out and bought himself an expensive car instead of paying first and last months rent on his own apartment. But Gareth’s mom lives in an eco-friendly neighborhood where the Prius is a popular model and the Hummer is not.

Many people believe men, like Gareth, who drive Hummers have small penises. But I fear the truth is much worse. I think their penises are beyond small and are actually inverted. Yes, there is a hole where the penis should be. But it’s not complicated and elaborate, like a vagina. It is just a penis that never grew outward, it is more of an “inny.” Or, a mangina. Men with manginas buy cars that don’t fit into their garages.

Gareth had to park his car on the street because the Hummer was too big to fit in his mommy's garage. On Monday morning at 3 am, two men wearing bandanas over their faces attacked the car with baseball bats. They slashed the tires and scratched, “FOR THE ENVIRON,” into the body.

Somewhere in those two men there lies years of pent up Bush rage. It is peaking now, as Bush continues his war against all the evidence that it is an unwinnable disaster, as he commutes Scooter Libby's sentence and ignores Congressional subpoenas. Every swing of the bat probably felt like they were getting back at George a bit. If the Bush years never happened, people would probably be mad at Hummers, but not attack them on the streets and flip off the owners.

Part of me says, “great.” Fuck him and fuck all people who drive Hummers. They should all be vandalized, blown up, or at the very least, shit in. Buying a car that gets 10 mpg is almost a crime against humanity with what is going on in the world and you should get what you have coming.

But another part of me realizes that sort of attitude leads to chaos. You can only hope those people come to an understanding of the damage they do by leading such a selfish existence. Violence will only lead to retaliatory violence. After a while, anyone who drives a Prius would be in danger of having their toes cut off. It is a vicious cycle.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t laugh when I read about Gareth’s Hummer being destroyed. I did laugh. And I wondered how fun it must have been for those two guys, swinging their bats and stabbing those tires. When I look at those giant cars, I don’t just think about the destruction of the environment and the waste of gas, I also think of Bush and Cheney. They will always be connected to the Hummer in my mind. It is the ultimate symbol of their years in the White House.

So, if you drive a Hummer, I dislike you. You’re a selfish asshole, plain and simple. But the weird thing is, a lot of Hummer drivers seem to thrive on being hated. I’ve talked to more than one owner who says he enjoys the random middle fingers he gets while driving down the road. They smile when they talk about it. It's a smile I've seen before, on our president, George Bush. The President who seems to thrive on hate.

Interesting point of view, but typical and common ... nothing new or interesting here .... Sorry...

i will, from now on, start every climate / political / environmental debate by yelling "FOR THE ENVIRON!" as loud as i can.

Actually, it's not just that this attitude will lead to chaos.
Thanks to Georgie, attacking a Hummer for environmental reasons could also get you listed as a terrorist.

And all those laws which imply terrorists don't deserve equal treatment -- well, they could be applied to you.

Who wants to go to Gitmo for spray painting a slogan?

So, we find something can be interesting and yet not interesting at the same time. And we find that something can be interesting, and yet still be typical and common.

Fascinating.

Fascinating point of view, but typical and common. Nothing new or fascinating here, either.



People who drive Hummers scare me because they never know how to drive 'em.

Guess what, Biff? Can't weave through traffic in a Hummer like you can a fuckin BMW. Know why? It is way longer! Kind of like the penis on the tennis instructor fucking your wife!

Yeah, and a noob playing critic is so fresh.

Depends on what they're humming I guess. A few bars of We are the World might warrant a good smack.

ahahahahaha

Hehehahaha!

The douches in my neighborhood drive their Hummers to the corner store to get milk.

And anything by Mandy Moore deserves a right thrashing.

I can't really go off on people for vehicles that are gas hogs, because we own a large truck. But, we also use it. It isn't a toy, or for show.

Here's how I feel: there are bigger things for me to worry about than someone's awful(ly expensive) car being vandalized. I don't agree with it, but it's low on my priorities.

I agree that some of those drivers thrive on notoriety. Alas, it's all that some of them have.

The baseball bats are amusing, I'll admit -- but there are so many better ways to taunt Hummers which directly affects the one thing that clearly matters to these people -- their image.

I was recently relayed a story about an acquaintance who, like me, rides a bike as her main form of transportation. One summer day, (while wearing a bikini and smacking her chewing gum, no less), she was riding her bike to a stoplight and came across a big Hummer. She rode up to the driver's side and looked inside...

"So, uh, wow -- it's really empty in there."

"Uh huh."

"I mean, it's just you in there. Nobody else? Look at all this room, it's like you're driving around with your whole living room. Wow, and you're not even using it to haul anything. It's really just you. Can you hear your echo in there?"

--no response --

"I mean, it looks like you're trying to drive around in your own big castle, showing off or something. But instead, you just look like a little lonely man inside his big car. Don't you have any friends? Maybe they're afraid of you and your big car? I mean, a grown man like you...it just seems so sad and pathetic, really.....trapped inside this big thing alone on a nice day.

...Well, have a nice day."

Ouch. I can't support property damage -- it just makes people victims. But making fun of people for their silly cars? Now, that's funny. I could laugh about it all day.

Whatever, Mandy Moore is awesome. Go listen to the new album. For srsly.

Just because someone buys a car you don't approve of you think you have the right to vandalize it? Fuck that.

Disclaimer: the "you" above is addressed to people who vandalize Hummers or sympathize with those who do, not necessarily you[i/].

H2s are dumb, though--I'd rather have the original military-style one.

Oh gods, I feel so much better knowing that my inner loathing was not misdirected every time I saw someone driving a Hummer, or that at least I was not alone in those sentiments.

Uhm, I tried editing my post to fix the tag, but I can't click the "edit" button after fixing my post.

Dear SG overlords, add a "preview" button plzkthxbai.

On the other hand, smug self-righteousness merits one their own place in hell, right between the child molesters and people who talk in the theatre.

so bring something new and interesting to the table oh plentiful font of all things judgemental..

you who bestrides this site like a colossus.. who take your well deserved seat high up above the mucky-muck through which the rest of us trudge.. raining your critical insights down upon us like chemical douche from the sky..

would it have interested you more if the hummers turned into giant robots and banged your freaking mom.?

PIX PLZKTHX!

hummer driver fuck chickens. it's a fact!

Why don't you just hum a few bars for me instead.

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

This.

Browncoat?

I don't think that one is being smugly self-righteous when ranting about people who own Hummers. It's like ranting about that guy at the reception that tries to monopolize the bar.