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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUL 12, 2007 01:29 AM



Ah, summer. What a fantastic time to take a look at the Iraq war and our scary enemies, The al-Qaedas. And itÂ’s good news! While we have been focused on not getting anywhere in Iraq, al-Qaeda has been eating their spinach and getting stronger. According to a new CIA report, al-Qaeda has been able to rebuild its operating capability back up to pre-9/11 levels.

Al-Qaeda has "regrouped to an extent not seen since 2001. They are showing greater and greater ability to plan attacks in Europe and the United States."

They seem to be fairly well settled into the safe haven and the ungoverned spaces of Pakistan. We see more training. We see more money. We see more communications. We see that activity rising.

At the same time the report speaks of "significant gaps in intelligence," so US authorities may be ignorant of potential or planned attacks.


We're ignorant! But at least our security officials know how to calm us down in these precarious times.

Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff, said he had a "gut feeling" that the United States faced a heightened risk of attack this summer.


That’s weird, I have a “gut feeling” that he is not very good at his job. I guess we can just be thankful that our president has been focused on Iraq, where we now call every every insurgent a member of al-Qaeda.

Suddenly, without evidence, without proof, without any semblance of fact, the US military command is referring to these combatants as "al-Qaeda".


That’ll work. Man, there are going to be a lot of dead al-Qaedas. I have a “gut feeling” about that. Actually, I think there are just going to be a lot of dead people in Iraq, because Bush’s surge is about as successful as his original invasion of Iraq. By that, I mean it is a total failure.

590 U.S. soldiers have died and 3,575 have been wounded in Iraq since January 10, 2007.

At least 13,463 civilians and members of the Iraqi Security Forces have died since January 2007.

Nearly 11,000 people have been killed or wounded in multiple fatality bombings.

According to an internal military assessment, the U.S. militaryÂ’s plan to secure Baghdad against a rising insurgency is falling far short of its goal. Fewer than one-third of BaghdadÂ’s neighborhoods are under the control of U.S. and Iraqi forces.

Senior military officer, on the U.S. military’s Baghdad security plan: “We were way too optimistic.”

According to one senior military official: “We are starting to see more sophistication and training in their attacks…clearly the trend is going the wrong direction.”

IraqÂ’s largest Sunni political group announced pulled out of parliament over last monthÂ’s vote to remove the speaker, Mahmoud al-Mashhadan, a Sunni Arab.

No progress has been made on the political benchmarks the Iraqi government was supposed to have met already. Oil sharing legislation, the reversal of deBaathification, new election laws, scheduling of provincial elections, amending the constitution and efforts to disband the militias are all languishing either in parliament or in negotiations among the three parties.


Since the surge began, it turns out al-Qaeda has actually become
stronger in Iraq, too!

Al Qaeda operations are marked by the use of suicide bombers, and the latest intelligence assessment shows that suicide attacks were near an all-time high in May and June. The most recent military intelligence assessment of Iraq also shows that the overall level of violence in the country -- measured as the number of "violent incidents" -- hit its highest level in June since the war began.


ItÂ’s like a reverse surge, or an anti-surge, or like they are unsurging. The number of attacks has increased sharply in Baghdad, Salahaddin, Diyala and Basra. Even attacks on the Green Zone have sharply increased.

It is just a big fuck pie. I donÂ’t know how it could get any worse. Wait, yes I do! Turkey will invade the Kurdish territory. Yay!

Reports that Turkey has massed a huge military force on its border with Iraq bolstered fears that an invasion targeting hideouts of Kurdish rebels could be imminent.


Just give it about three weeks. Right now, Turkey is really obsessed with itself because they country is in the middle of a heated campaign. The Islamic government and the military-backed secular establishment are battling it out for the July 22nd elections. As soon as the election is over, itÂ’s game on! Two hundred thousand Turkeys will be rushing over the border into Northern Iraq.

Yesterday, Turkey accused the US of allowing American weapons to fall into the hands of Kurdish guerillas. Hey, what does that remind me of? Statements like this from the Turkish Prime Minister donÂ’t help.

We are seeing with great grief that America remains quiet as Turkey struggles against terrorism. Because there were promises given to us, and they need to be kept. If not, we can take care of our own business.


See that, George? They are going to “protect” themselves from “terrorists.” And a “foreign country” is responsible for weapons flowing into their country. Sound familiar, you stupid asshole?

Wow, it canÂ’t get any worse than that. Wrong! It can! Now corpse-eating badgers are attacking Southern Iraq. Holy fuck! ItÂ’s like the Apocalypse!

The port city of Basra is now fighting a battle for survival against giant human eating badgers. According to local townspeople, the Badgers were unleashed upon the area by British forces. But local scientists and the British military say the badgers have been in the area since 1986 and will not attack human unless provoked. Really? Then how do you explain this?

“I was sleeping at night when this strange animal hit me on my head. I have not seen such an animal before. My husband hurried to shoot it but it was as swift as a deer,” Suad Hassan, a 30-year-old housewife said.

“I saw it three days ago at night attacking animals. It even ate a cow. It tore the cow up piece by piece. I tried to shoot it with my gun but it ran away into the orchards. I missed it,” he said.


Eating cows and punching ladies on the head. It is fucking chaos. And there's a video!



Okay, at first I was freaked that dude is so comfortable prancing about with a dead animal. I have never picked up road kill. Not once. Which means I have never picked up road kill, then turned to my buddy and said, “Get the camera, I’m gonna run around with this bitch!”

But once I got passed that thought, I started to take a look at that motherfucker. That is one horrible badger. It has giant teeth and big claws. It is a monster, plain and simple. A human killing, English-created beast sent to attack and kill the good people of Basra. Obviously. The video proves it.

Iraq is fucked and the way this summer is going, soon Dick Cheney will slough off his skin, turn into an energy force of pure evil and terrorize the planet for eternity.

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

JUL 12, 2007 09:15 AM

Greaaat blackeyed

Skywisdom

Skywisdom

Portland, OR
December 2005

JUL 12, 2007 09:24 AM

Thank you for presenting this information in such a hilarious way.
I'd probably be crying otherwise.
Although, the idea of terrorist bagers is hilarious. When are we going to target them in our war on terror?

bean

bean

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 12, 2007 09:24 AM

Let me be the first to say...


Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger

Kleptic

Kleptic

Orlando, FL
April 2007

JUL 12, 2007 09:28 AM

I always knew badgers would have a hand in the apocalypse. err, sorry they would have a claw in it.

Mark_plus_Beer

Mark_plus_Beer

United Kingdom
August 2005

JUL 12, 2007 09:29 AM

if i don't make it to old age i want to be killed by a ravernous badger , its an interesting story for people to be told.

you don't forget somebody who was killed by a badger biggrin

Untimely

Untimely

Chicago, IL
January 2007

JUL 12, 2007 09:30 AM

I've got nothing logical to say, except that maybe I should start a band:

The Fabulous Al Kayda and his Corpse-Eating Turkey Badgers

Allegro

Allegro

Yonkers, NY
February 2007

JUL 12, 2007 09:32 AM

Untimely said:
I've got nothing logical to say, except that maybe I should start a band:

The Fabulous Al Kayda and his Corpse-Eating Turkey Badgers



Best. Band. Everrrrr.

Godsdog10

Godsdog10

I'm lost
June 2007

JUL 12, 2007 09:53 AM

Can't we do something to impeach the whole administration???

Maybe the Badgers can be put to work for Homeland Security.

Just a thought.

deusxmachina

deusxmachina

Honolulu, HI
May 2003

JUL 12, 2007 10:26 AM

Al Qaeda is getting stronger, and some government dude has a gut feeling we're going to be attacked??! Well you'd be a terrorist NOT to support the war now!

Omega_Blue

Omega_Blue

Antelope, CA
June 2007

JUL 12, 2007 10:34 AM


When I heard the story of the killer Badgers, I laughed...I also found another story from the middle east that I found very interesting: It is a story from Afghanistan, where a rumor of a killer text message has spread...
( unfortunately, the link will not display, so if you have the patience, you can copy and paste it from here:

http://www.mobilephone.co.uk/news/2007/Apr/panic-spreads-over-'killer'-mobile-phone-virus.html
)

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

JUL 12, 2007 10:35 AM

When asked about his "gut feeling" Chertoff said, "well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of Al Queda chatter in the New York area. Based on this morning's reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds. "

That's a big Twinkie, people. Wake up America!

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

JUL 12, 2007 10:37 AM

SUUUURGE!!!

SignalNoise

SignalNoise

USA
February 2004

JUL 12, 2007 10:40 AM

So, there are badgers that attack people? In Iraq? And they're possible tools of the British? I guess?

That's a bad fucking place.

aldoushuxley

aldoushuxley

USA
November 2005

JUL 12, 2007 11:02 AM

This sucks, I just found out that a new military benefits plan is coming out, yes indeed. Because of the adamant threats to cut funding for the war, when they refuse to give bush money for the war he will just take away the benefits that troops get. Not entirely take away give us a choice of benefits, thats right because fucking congress keeps harping on dubyah hes going to withdraw the perks of being a troop. Then the military out cry will be huge and congress will be the bad guy for cutting funding. I know this sounds stupid and winy, wah wah I don't get my free health care and food anymore, but when you are in a job that pays you shit, and you work hours that civilians are never subjected to, on top of getting shot at and killed extra perks are always a necessity. This is really out of the ordinary for me I usually do not criticize the administration, but if that happens, the army times says it will, then I am going to be really unhappy. Especially since this is my career of choice. frown

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

JUL 12, 2007 11:27 AM

I don't know why you ca't just look on the bright side, FTR. Iraq will be very peaceful when everyone there is dead.

MessyJessy

MessyJessy

Fort Myers, FL
August 2005

JUL 12, 2007 11:35 AM

Godsdog10

Godsdog10

I'm lost
June 2007

JUL 12, 2007 11:38 AM

Aldous, you are correct, that is your career of CHOICE.

Have you ever read Brave New World, or BNW Revisited??? Huxley is one of my favorite authors, and I don't know why anyone who is a fan if his work could like our government enough to join the military. Live with your choices, like the rest of is who have chosen poorly in their career path. After all, you could be a Teacher.

Please do not mistake this for anti-soldier sentiment. I have the deepest respect for the people in uniform and what they do. It is where they are doing it, and how our government is misusing them that insults my American Sensibilities. In fact, I was once a soldier myself.

I got better...

emotedcreations

emotedcreations

Germany
July 2006

JUL 12, 2007 11:44 AM

aldoushuxley said:
This sucks, I just found out that a new military benefits plan is coming out, yes indeed. Because of the adamant threats to cut funding for the war, when they refuse to give bush money for the war he will just take away the benefits that troops get. Not entirely take away give us a choice of benefits, thats right because fucking congress keeps harping on dubyah hes going to withdraw the perks of being a troop. Then the military out cry will be huge and congress will be the bad guy for cutting funding. I know this sounds stupid and winy, wah wah I don't get my free health care and food anymore, but when you are in a job that pays you shit, and you work hours that civilians are never subjected to, on top of getting shot at and killed extra perks are always a necessity. This is really out of the ordinary for me I usually do not criticize the administration, but if that happens, the army times says it will, then I am going to be really unhappy. Especially since this is my career of choice. frown

You do realize he's been diverting funds from many important programs since day one? I mean I feel bad for you, I really do, and taking away money for soldier benefits is just about the most despicable thing the man could possibly do, but the trend isn't a new one. I'm sorry your going to be losing some important benefits, but I thought it was worth mentioning...

TAFKASP

TAFKASP

Oakland, CA
June 2003

JUL 12, 2007 11:44 AM

phew, talk about using levity to lighten the mood of this clusterfuck in which we currently find ourselves.

if the badgers eat you, the terrorist will have won! and if we don't fight the badgers over there, they'll swim across the ocean to eat us here!

surreal

emotedcreations

emotedcreations

Germany
July 2006

JUL 12, 2007 11:45 AM

Godsdog10 said:
Aldous, you are correct, that is your career of CHOICE.

Have you ever read Brave New World, or BNW Revisited??? Huxley is one of my favorite authors, and I don't know why anyone who is a fan if his work could like our government enough to join the military. Live with your choices, like the rest of is who have chosen poorly in their career path. After all, you could be a Teacher.

Are you kidding me? Sure everyone has to live with their choices, but you think he doesn't have the right or shouldn't bitch about a president who is diverting health care benefits to soldiers who he stubbornly refuses to remove from harms way? Give me a fucking break. Grow up.

PaulNikon

PaulNikon

Melbourne, FL
February 2003

JUL 12, 2007 11:48 AM

aldoushuxley said:
This sucks, I just found out that a new military benefits plan is coming out, yes indeed. Because of the adamant threats to cut funding for the war, when they refuse to give bush money for the war he will just take away the benefits that troops get. Not entirely take away give us a choice of benefits, thats right because fucking congress keeps harping on dubyah hes going to withdraw the perks of being a troop. Then the military out cry will be huge and congress will be the bad guy for cutting funding. I know this sounds stupid and winy, wah wah I don't get my free health care and food anymore, but when you are in a job that pays you shit, and you work hours that civilians are never subjected to, on top of getting shot at and killed extra perks are always a necessity. This is really out of the ordinary for me I usually do not criticize the administration, but if that happens, the army times says it will, then I am going to be really unhappy. Especially since this is my career of choice. frown



Cutting funding for health care and groceries of soldiers is un-american. This will not stand.

Untimely

Untimely

Chicago, IL
January 2007

JUL 12, 2007 12:05 PM


aldoushuxley said:
This sucks, I just found out that a new military benefits plan is coming out, yes indeed. Because of the adamant threats to cut funding for the war, when they refuse to give bush money for the war he will just take away the benefits that troops get...



Yep, that's how it always goes down.

See what's happening? He's pitting the military against the people who are trying to keep soldiers from getting shot.

Let's keep this in perspective: His administration is deciding what to cut. His administration decided that body armor was too expensive for our underpaid military, while Halliburton's overpriced logistics and Bechtel's (and others') private security forces are apparently worth every penny. (?!)
And his administration decided to get us into this mess without any clear idea of how to get out.

The Congress makes the budget, but it's the DoD and other branches who decide how it's spent. He hold his own purse strings, not the voters. So, the choice is in his hands -- if he chooses to overpay Halliburton etc for bullshit, while continuing to ripoff the hard-working soldiers, then it's obvious who he's really concerned about.

Godsdog10

Godsdog10

I'm lost
June 2007

JUL 12, 2007 12:11 PM

Ahh yes, pitting the military against the People. Suddenly my mind flashed back to my own Basic Training where we were once again being told how the American Civilian was the enemy, even our friends and family. I (perhaps foolishly) raised my hand and asked politely, "Umm, then who are we defending?" The silence only lasted for about 10 seconds before the CO responded, "OURSELVES!" which was quickly drowned out by the bleating of many sheep.
It is interesting to put this together with some of the more paranoid stipulators of our times who think the government will soon begin to use our own troops against us. I do not believe for a second that most soldiers would fire on civilians, but stranger things have happend historically.

Ok, I'm going to stop now, before I scare myself into action....

fountainofdreams

fountainofdreams

Batavia, IL
January 2005

JUL 12, 2007 12:16 PM

bean said:
Let me be the first to say...


Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger
Badger



Mushroom Mushroom!

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