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Girthy

Girthy

Canoga Park, CA
July 2005

JUL 02, 2007 05:21 PM



So I was up super early Saturday morning in order to score EDC tickets from a contest on 90.7fm KPFK-Los Angeles* which meant I was able to scoop up the Los Angeles Times right as it hit my doorstep. As I skimmed through the paper on my way to the oh-so-important Comics section, an article on the front page of the Business section concerning the launch of the highly anticipated iPhone caught my eye. Upon finishing the article I had to stop and fucking hate every rich fucker that got an iPhone this weekend with every inch of my soul.

Apparently the queues posted out side of Apple stores across the nation were filled with even more lameness than the PS3 launch. Not only were there your typical way-too-well-off 16-year-olds planning to flip them on eBay for an insane markup, but the lines were also heavily seasoned with corporate brown-nosers and executive slaves.

...Dan Zabar, 23, a production assistant in the New York office of Moxie Pictures, which specializes in TV commercials, said the top brass there wanted iPhones "for the prestige of being in on the trend. It has very little to do with the performance of the phone."

Zabar knew he'd be in for a long day outside Apple's flagship Manhattan store on Fifth Avenue, so he brought along novels by Michael Chabon and Clive Cussler.

"My bosses are going to have fun with their phones," he said, "and I guess my fun is going to be bringing them to them."...

...Michelle MacLachlan and Caroline Singleton, unpaid summer interns at Stuff magazine, also received very specific instructions. "Come back with four iPhones," MacLachlan recalled her bosses saying. "Failure is not an option."

-source June 30, 2007 Los Angeles Times article Proxies clog iPhone lines


Now I'm a big nerd so I've stood in line for a whole plethora of things, including tickets for opening night of Star Wars Ep III** and the launch of the Wii***. There is something noble about braving the queue for a movie/product launch. The trials one faces in line; be it having to withstand the unbearable cold or insane heat, put up with the passing hecklers, or, depending how ruthless the people standing in line are, having to hold a piss in for an ungodly amount of time, make it oh so sweet when that shining moment happens and you become one of the first people on the planet to own that shiny new gadget. Not only do you have the god damn thing, but you got a story to go along with it and in some cases, battle scars even.

That is why I was so nauseated with the content of that LA Times article. This launch wasn't about how cool this little fucking contraption is at all, it was about status amongst other rich douchsacks. It was about earning “brownie points” with your boss. It was a complete perversion of a time honored tradition with in the geek community. It's just as bad as those fuckers on Xbox Live that pay for unlockables and achievement points instead of actually earning them. It's going to be so hard to look at an iPhone owner now and not think that they are a complete poser. Then again, considering the price of Apple products, early adopters usually tend to be smug assholes.

My heart goes out to those poor bastards that put themselves though business school, spending late nights writing thesis papers and studying for exams in hope to land that dream job with a big time firm but wind up being some chode stuffed in a suit's line monkey.

"I feel kind of lame, I hate the iPhone right now."
-Johnny Mendoca, 22


To all of you that stood in line this last weekend to get an iPhone for your own personal use, I wish nothing but prosperity for you and your little wonder device. May your dropped calls be minimal.

To those of you that sent your assistants to wait in the boiling heat, I hope the over hyped piece of shit bricks out with the first firmware update.

-Girthy realized while standing in line for a Wii last November that beer was a bad choice. A catheter would have been a helpful, although abhorrent, accessory.

*which wound up being successful, and the event it's self was sick as fuck.
**meh, now that I look back on it, but at the time it was awesome, more than likely due to the psilocybin mushrooms I consumed prior to entering the theater.
***still to this day, the best investment I ever made.

Josh925

Josh925

Concord, CA
April 2007

JUL 02, 2007 09:31 PM

Finally someone who says how it is! Rock on man

swirlyboy

swirlyboy

I'm lost
April 2006

JUL 02, 2007 09:32 PM

HAHA

crispy

crispy

NEWSWIRE

Philadelphia, PA

JUL 02, 2007 09:38 PM

Philadelphia Mayor John Street was one of those people. When he wasn't waiting in line, a police officer waited in line for him.

Aaron

Aaron

Shakopee, MN
July 2004

JUL 02, 2007 09:38 PM

How do you read the LA Times? Moonies FTL

attn_ho

attn_ho

Brooklyn, NY
February 2004

JUL 02, 2007 09:53 PM

i like this article. this is some quality playa hatin.

Snottlebocket

Snottlebocket

Netherlands
March 2004

JUL 02, 2007 10:02 PM

I find it disturbing and disgusting how people are treating a phone, it really makes me wonder how much lower a consumer society can sink.

Gerry_D

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA
May 2003

JUL 02, 2007 10:06 PM

I walked into an apple store at 11 PM on Friday evening - I was there for 3 mins and was on my way. I love the shit out of this phone. My beefs are software related - a few bugs to work out - specifically in the mail program. The phone, maps and UI are terrific. Very enjoyable - and I had AT&T before - but couldn't talk on my cell in my apartment - but this new phone gives me a usable signal. Still, it will be interesting to see what kind of traction it has away away from mac fanatics.

Girthy

Girthy

Canoga Park, CA
July 2005

JUL 02, 2007 10:11 PM

crispy said:
Philadelphia Mayor John Street was one of those people. When he wasn't waiting in line, a police officer waited in line for him.



Yeah 'cause, you know, that's a great use of resources.

whatever

palacemuse

palacemuse

Phoenix, AZ
March 2005

JUL 02, 2007 10:29 PM

article = puke

Girthy

Girthy

Canoga Park, CA
July 2005

JUL 02, 2007 10:41 PM

palacemuse said:
article = puke



I find your criticism eloquent in it's brevity.

Davidle1

Davidle1

Hammond, IN
October 2005

JUL 02, 2007 10:58 PM

I might get one but I feel like this no fucking way am i waiting in line to give away my

money. You want my money for something i want then your coming to me or I will

get to it when it works for me. Another thing no doubt in the next few days weeks

months were going to hear about the IPHONE BUGS or issues. why pay $500

for something with built in flaws...why not wait till everyone else deals with the

frustrations bugs and issues and get it when version 2 or 3 comes out by then it

just might be a lot cheaper and you can look back and think what a bunch of dumb

fucks. As far as bosses sending people to buy it for them...I SAY SHOW ME

THE MONEY!!! Getting paid to stand in line sure beats getting paid to work.

thefall

thefall

San Francisco, CA
December 2003

JUL 02, 2007 11:29 PM

I find it hilarious that people camped out for days waiting for the IPhone and then there were no shortages. I walked into the Apple Store in San Francisco at 8:30p on the 29th and walked out with my new IPhone at 8:32p.

Untimely

Untimely

Chicago, IL
January 2007

JUL 02, 2007 11:44 PM

Only short-sighted, impatient amnesiacs buy the first revision of Apple products.

And only a total dickhead of a boss would make their employee stand in line for one.
To them: I hope those batteries end up catching on fire and burning your tiny dicks off.

_karma

_karma

Santa Cruz, CA
September 2006

JUL 03, 2007 12:14 AM

pay $500 to beta test for apple, sounds like a great plan

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

JUL 03, 2007 12:25 AM

i already have a $200 phone i pay little or no attention to when it rings.

Why would i want to wait in line for and pay $500 for a phone i pay little or no attention to?

Heathen_Dave

Heathen_Dave

Birmingham, AL
July 2005

JUL 03, 2007 12:38 AM

Davidle1 said:
I might get one but I feel like this no fucking way am i waiting in line to give away my

money. You want my money for something i want then your coming to me or I will

get to it when it works for me. Another thing no doubt in the next few days weeks

months were going to hear about the IPHONE BUGS or issues. why pay $500

for something with built in flaws...why not wait till everyone else deals with the

frustrations bugs and issues and get it when version 2 or 3 comes out by then it

just might be a lot cheaper and you can look back and think what a bunch of dumb

fucks. As far as bosses sending people to buy it for them...I SAY SHOW ME

THE MONEY!!! Getting paid to stand in line sure beats getting paid to work.



This has got to be the weirdest formatting I've ever seen.

BlastProcessing

BlastProcessing

USA
OLD SKOOL

JUL 03, 2007 12:39 AM

Heathen_Dave said:

Davidle1 said:
Unga bunga.



This has got to be the weirdest formatting I've ever seen.



His Captain Caveman's all distorted, too.

Nimbusfool

Nimbusfool

Moscow, ID
August 2006

JUL 03, 2007 01:32 AM

yo- if I am ever a corporate line bitch whose day involves fetching a phone in line all day I give you all my legal permission at this moment to come to said line and beat the living shit out of me.

Chris_Gore

Chris_Gore

Los Angeles, CA
September 2005

JUL 03, 2007 01:34 AM

_karma said:
pay $500 to beta test for apple, sounds like a great plan



Well said. I'll wait for version 5.0 when it's almost ready.

zyryx

zyryx

Tyler, TX
April 2004

JUL 03, 2007 02:27 AM

what kind of idiot actually wants an iphone? from the reviews I read, it sounds like a disappointment. from the shit email function, to the NON REPLACEABLE battery (the battery is soldered to the logic board, how's that for planned obsolescences?), this is just some flashy toy to get morons who gullibly swallowed the hype to piss away hard earned money. you see someone with an iphone, you are looking at a person with more money that brains, someone lucky that breathing is an autonomic behavior, otherwise they would sure as shit forget to breath puke

SonOfAPunk

SonOfAPunk

Maple Ridge, BC
January 2006

JUL 03, 2007 02:28 AM

Wicked article dude.

Congrats.

MrCrisp

MrCrisp

I'm lost
August 2004

JUL 03, 2007 03:16 AM

how is this news?

Tiger_Fodder

Tiger_Fodder

Braintree, MA
June 2007

JUL 03, 2007 04:23 AM

Is this the way to get ahead? It is ludicrous that people are sending interns and assistants to get their IPhones.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

Baton Rouge, LA
January 2006

JUL 03, 2007 04:37 AM

InnocentSid said:
Is this the way to get ahead? It is ludicrous that people are sending interns and assistants to get their IPhones.



For an inferior product such as an iPhone perhaps. But if I had my own personal bitch, I'd definitely make use of him/her to go wait in lines, do my holiday shopping, etc.

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