Boards > Current Events > NEWS: Justice Scalia Wants to Throw a Man Hump on Jack Bauer

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUN 19, 2007 10:20 PM

POLITICS: Justice Scalia Wants to Throw a Man Hump on Jack Bauer

I enjoy the show 24. I enjoy violence and things blowing up and torture. Mainly I enjoy those things on television because they are not real. If Jack Bauer was torturing and killing his own brother in my living room I would probably be very uncomfortable. I may even vomit. I strongly believe in my heart that Jack Bauer is not real and that no real human being could do the things Jack does.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, however, seems to think Jack Bauer is real. And he kind of has a man crush on Jack. Based on what happened in Canada this week, I think we can conclude that Scalia wants to be inside Jack Bauer, or more probably, wants Jack to be inside him, thrusting like an animal.

Scalia was at a legal conference in Ottawa during which a panel of judges was discussed torture and terrorism law. A Canadian judge made the mistake of saying this:

"Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra 'What would Jack Bauer do?'

Well, you dont talk about Scalias fantasy lover that way. Antonin lost his fucking mind.

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent's rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.

"Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?" Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. "Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.

"So the question is really whether we believe in these absolutes. And ought we believe in these absolutes."

Um, absolutes? Like Jack Bauer is absolutely not real? Like Antonin Scalia is an absolute nut job?

The Canadian judge who started the entire lunatic festival off with his slight comment has dealt with terrorists in his courtroom. He had a different opinion that Scalia.

Judge Mosley told the panel that rights-respecting governments can't take part in torture or encourage it in any way. "The agents of the state, and the agents of the Canadian state, under the Criminal Code, are very much subject to severe criminal sanction if they would engage in torture," he said.

Scalia was not down with that idea. I mean, Jesus, he has seen this shit go down ON TELEVISION. He knows counterterrorism agents should not be constrained by laws. Most of the judges in the room agreed that confessions made during torture carry little weight because they might be false and are almost never accepted into evidence. But Scalia was not talking about the court, he was talking about being out on the streets, taking down the bad guys with minutes to spare. He wants agents to have the freedom to get the job done and thwart attacks.

"I don't care about holding people. I really don't," Judge Scalia said.

Even if a real terrorist who suffered mistreatment is released because of complaints of abuse, Judge Scalia said, the interruption to the terrorist's plot would have ensured "in Los Angeles everyone is safe." During a break from the panel, Judge Scalia specifically mentioned the segment in Season 2 when Jack Bauer finally figures out how to break the die-hard terrorist intent on nuking L.A. The real genius, the judge said, is that this is primarily done with mental leverage. "There's a great scene where he told a guy that he was going to have his family killed," Judge Scalia said. "They had it on closed circuit television - and it was all staged. ... They really didn't kill the family."

Um. Okay. Youre a Supreme Court Justice, huh? I feel good about the direction of our country right now. But season 2 was one of the best seasons, so hes not all that wrong.

pitydafoo

Compton, CA

December 2006

JUN 20, 2007 09:05 AM

Scalia is a supreme douchebag.

triskadekafobic

Germany

April 2006

JUN 20, 2007 09:07 AM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

oh wait, this guy is a supreme court justice, nvm.

Chainlink

Key West, FL

August 2005

JUN 20, 2007 09:07 AM

Thanks FTR. Great article. That truely made me feel a little sick.

RileyStClair

Los Angeles, CA

September 2006

JUN 20, 2007 09:10 AM

i think the next attorney who gives oral argument before SCOTUS should start citing tv shows as binding precedent.

zarth

Seattle, WA

December 2004

JUN 20, 2007 09:14 AM

FearTheReaper said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I enjoy the show 24. I enjoy violence and things blowing up and torture. Mainly I enjoy those things on television because they are not real. If Jack Bauer was torturing and killing his own brother in my living room I would probably be very uncomfortable. I may even vomit. I strongly believe in my heart that Jack Bauer is not real and that no real human being could do the things Jack does.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, however, seems to think Jack Bauer is real. And he kind of has a man crush on Jack. Based on what happened in Canada this week, I think we can conclude that Scalia wants to be inside Jack Bauer, or more probably, wants Jack to be inside him, thrusting like an animal.

Scalia was at a legal conference in Ottawa during which a panel of judges was discussed torture and terrorism law. A Canadian judge made the mistake of saying this:

"Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra 'What would Jack Bauer do?'

Well, you don%u2019t talk about Scalia%u2019s fantasy lover that way. Antonin lost his fucking mind.

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent's rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.

"Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?" Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. "Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.

"So the question is really whether we believe in these absolutes. And ought we believe in these absolutes."

Um, absolutes? Like Jack Bauer is absolutely not real? Like Antonin Scalia is an absolute nut job?

The Canadian judge who started the entire lunatic festival off with his slight comment has dealt with terrorists in his courtroom. He had a different opinion that Scalia.

Judge Mosley told the panel that rights-respecting governments can't take part in torture or encourage it in any way. "The agents of the state, and the agents of the Canadian state, under the Criminal Code, are very much subject to severe criminal sanction if they would engage in torture," he said.

Scalia was not down with that idea. I mean, Jesus, he has seen this shit go down ON TELEVISION. He knows counterterrorism agents should not be constrained by laws. Most of the judges in the room agreed that confessions made during torture carry little weight because they might be false and are almost never accepted into evidence. But Scalia was not talking about the court, he was talking about being out on the streets, taking down the bad guys with minutes to spare. He wants agents to have the freedom to get the job done and thwart attacks.

"I don't care about holding people. I really don't," Judge Scalia said.

Even if a real terrorist who suffered mistreatment is released because of complaints of abuse, Judge Scalia said, the interruption to the terrorist's plot would have ensured "in Los Angeles everyone is safe." During a break from the panel, Judge Scalia specifically mentioned the segment in Season 2 when Jack Bauer finally figures out how to break the die-hard terrorist intent on nuking L.A. The real genius, the judge said, is that this is primarily done with mental leverage. "There's a great scene where he told a guy that he was going to have his family killed," Judge Scalia said. "They had it on closed circuit television - and it was all staged. ... They really didn't kill the family."

Um. Okay. You%u2019re a Supreme Court Justice, huh? I feel good about the direction of our country right now. But season 2 was one of the best seasons, so he%u2019s not all that wrong.

This story needs a link or two.

zarth

Seattle, WA

December 2004

JUN 20, 2007 09:28 AM

Zarth said:

FearTheReaper said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I enjoy the show 24. I enjoy violence and things blowing up and torture. Mainly I enjoy those things on television because they are not real. If Jack Bauer was torturing and killing his own brother in my living room I would probably be very uncomfortable. I may even vomit. I strongly believe in my heart that Jack Bauer is not real and that no real human being could do the things Jack does.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, however, seems to think Jack Bauer is real. And he kind of has a man crush on Jack. Based on what happened in Canada this week, I think we can conclude that Scalia wants to be inside Jack Bauer, or more probably, wants Jack to be inside him, thrusting like an animal.

Scalia was at a legal conference in Ottawa during which a panel of judges was discussed torture and terrorism law. A Canadian judge made the mistake of saying this:

"Thankfully, security agencies in all our countries do not subscribe to the mantra 'What would Jack Bauer do?'

Well, you don't talk about Scalia's fantasy lover that way. Antonin lost his fucking mind.

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. ... He saved hundreds of thousands of lives," Judge Scalia said. Then, recalling Season 2, where the agent's rough interrogation tactics saved California from a terrorist nuke, the Supreme Court judge etched a line in the sand.

"Are you going to convict Jack Bauer?" Judge Scalia challenged his fellow judges. "Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so.

"So the question is really whether we believe in these absolutes. And ought we believe in these absolutes."

Um, absolutes? Like Jack Bauer is absolutely not real? Like Antonin Scalia is an absolute nut job?

The Canadian judge who started the entire lunatic festival off with his slight comment has dealt with terrorists in his courtroom. He had a different opinion that Scalia.

Judge Mosley told the panel that rights-respecting governments can't take part in torture or encourage it in any way. "The agents of the state, and the agents of the Canadian state, under the Criminal Code, are very much subject to severe criminal sanction if they would engage in torture," he said.

Scalia was not down with that idea. I mean, Jesus, he has seen this shit go down ON TELEVISION. He knows counterterrorism agents should not be constrained by laws. Most of the judges in the room agreed that confessions made during torture carry little weight because they might be false and are almost never accepted into evidence. But Scalia was not talking about the court, he was talking about being out on the streets, taking down the bad guys with minutes to spare. He wants agents to have the freedom to get the job done and thwart attacks.

"I don't care about holding people. I really don't," Judge Scalia said.

Even if a real terrorist who suffered mistreatment is released because of complaints of abuse, Judge Scalia said, the interruption to the terrorist's plot would have ensured "in Los Angeles everyone is safe." During a break from the panel, Judge Scalia specifically mentioned the segment in Season 2 when Jack Bauer finally figures out how to break the die-hard terrorist intent on nuking L.A. The real genius, the judge said, is that this is primarily done with mental leverage. "There's a great scene where he told a guy that he was going to have his family killed," Judge Scalia said. "They had it on closed circuit television - and it was all staged. ... They really didn't kill the family."

Um. Okay. You're a Supreme Court Justice, huh? I feel good about the direction of our country right now. But season 2 was one of the best seasons, so he's not all that wrong.

This story needs a link or two.

Okay, fine, I'll do it myself.

And here.

Now for the big question - how did a clueless fuckwit like Scalia become one of the most powerful men in the American judicial system?

aldoushuxley

USA

November 2005

JUN 20, 2007 09:29 AM

I gotta say your articles never cease to amaze or entertain me.

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUN 20, 2007 09:56 AM

Zarth said:

This story needs a link or two.

Sorry. Was a bit out of it (hungoveer) when i wrote this one.

zarth

Seattle, WA

December 2004

JUN 20, 2007 09:58 AM

FearTheReaper said:

Zarth said:
This story needs a link or two.

Sorry. Was a bit out of it (hungoveer) when i wrote this one.

'Scool. The writing was first rate, anyway. "Thrusting like an animal" is the kind of prose that leaves a scar.

wenis

San Francisco, CA

July 2006

JUN 20, 2007 10:22 AM

scalia and the canadian judge have a hard time discerning their real lives from there imdb accounts.
david palmer for president?

Tea

SUICIDEGIRL

Ontario, Canada

JUN 20, 2007 10:22 AM

that is hilariously worrisome.

NickFaust

USA

April 2004

JUN 20, 2007 10:26 AM

Jesus H. fucking christ on a crutch.

I have an idea. In the next season, let's write Jack Bauer taking down Scalia.

thatoneguy23

Ewa Beach, HI

October 2005