Who doesn't love a good Fatwa? I remember the first one I ever heard: Don't stick knives in the electrical socket. Two dead fingers later I knew what the Prophet Muhammad was talking about. For those of you who don't know, Fatwas are religious edicts made by religious scholars to help guide Muslims through their lives. Without fatwas Muslims would be fucking donkeys and licking cat's asses. That is how important they are.

Two recent fatwas have gotten quite a bit of attention in the Muslim world.

First came the breast-feeding fatwa: It declared that the Islamic restriction on unmarried men and women being together could be lifted at work if the woman breast-fed her male colleagues five times. Then came the urine fatwa: It said that drinking the urine of the Prophet Muhammad was deemed a blessing.

To the breast-feeding fatwa I say, "Welcome to the year 2007, Muslims." We have been tasting the breast milk of our fellow co-workers for years. That is why they get to show their hair and wear pants around the office. Duh.

The second fatwa I am confused by. I do enjoy a nice bottle of urine after a run, but I didn't realize it was a blessing.

It seems these two fatwas were not well received in Egypt, the country where the issuers reside. Egypt's Grand Mufti, Sheikh Ali Gomaa was responsible for the urine fatwa. The idea came to him when he wrote a story about a woman who drank the Prophet's urine. (Who didn't? It was the 600's) Gomaa has since backed off, saying it was only an opinion, not a fatwa.

The Grand Mufti has a controversial history when it comes to fatwas. Earlier this year he issued a fatwa stating it was okay for women to get reconstructive hymen surgery if she had engaged in premarital sex, regretted it and asked God for forgiveness. As you can imagine, Muslim dudes were not happy. Nobody wants a second-hand vagina and Muhammad certainly would not be down with that.

A religious scholar who ran the Department of Teachings of the Prophet at the Foundation of Religious Colleges in Al Azhar University issued the awesome breast-feeding fatwa in May. (How about a fatwa to shorten that name? Heyooo!) Izat Atiyah thought it would be a great fatwa to deal with the problems associated with men and women working together. If women just let the men suck from their tits, then she could take off her veil. Seems pretty straightforward.

"Breast-feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage," wrote Izat Atiyah. "A woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breast-fed."

Oddly, the fatwa was mocked on television across the Middle East. Atiyah was suspended from his job and within days had retracted his titty sucking fatwa. I, personally, think it makes sense. But I also am the same guy who issued the "anal bead fatwa," which declares before any business meeting a man should get to place anal beads in any women present and then rip them out when the meeting is over. It is meant to ease tension.

hav818

Houston, TX

May 2004

JUN 15, 2007 09:06 AM

Dude, you can't rip out anal beads like starting a lawnmower, recipe for disaster. At least that's what I've heard... <ahem>

Zarth

Seattle, WA

December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 09:13 AM

Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?