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FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

JUN 14, 2007 07:07 PM





Who doesn't love a good Fatwa? I remember the first one I ever heard: Don't stick knives in the electrical socket. Two dead fingers later I knew what the Prophet Muhammad was talking about. For those of you who don't know, Fatwas are religious edicts made by religious scholars to help guide Muslims through their lives. Without fatwas Muslims would be fucking donkeys and licking cat's asses. That is how important they are.



Two recent fatwas have gotten quite a bit of attention in the Muslim world.

First came the breast-feeding fatwa: It declared that the Islamic restriction on unmarried men and women being together could be lifted at work if the woman breast-fed her male colleagues five times. Then came the urine fatwa: It said that drinking the urine of the Prophet Muhammad was deemed a blessing.



To the breast-feeding fatwa I say, "Welcome to the year 2007, Muslims." We have been tasting the breast milk of our fellow co-workers for years. That is why they get to show their hair and wear pants around the office. Duh.



The second fatwa I am confused by. I do enjoy a nice bottle of urine after a run, but I didn't realize it was a blessing.



It seems these two fatwas were not well received in Egypt, the country where the issuers reside. Egypt's Grand Mufti, Sheikh Ali Gomaa was responsible for the urine fatwa. The idea came to him when he wrote a story about a woman who drank the Prophet's urine. (Who didn't? It was the 600's) Gomaa has since backed off, saying it was only an opinion, not a fatwa.



The Grand Mufti has a controversial history when it comes to fatwas. Earlier this year he issued a fatwa stating it was okay for women to get reconstructive hymen surgery if she had engaged in premarital sex, regretted it and asked God for forgiveness. As you can imagine, Muslim dudes were not happy. Nobody wants a second-hand vagina and Muhammad certainly would not be down with that.



A religious scholar who ran the Department of Teachings of the Prophet at the Foundation of Religious Colleges in Al Azhar University issued the awesome breast-feeding fatwa in May. (How about a fatwa to shorten that name? Heyooo!) Izat Atiyah thought it would be a great fatwa to deal with the problems associated with men and women working together. If women just let the men suck from their tits, then she could take off her veil. Seems pretty straightforward.

"Breast-feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage," wrote Izat Atiyah. "A woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breast-fed."



Oddly, the fatwa was mocked on television across the Middle East. Atiyah was suspended from his job and within days had retracted his titty sucking fatwa. I, personally, think it makes sense. But I also am the same guy who issued the "anal bead fatwa," which declares before any business meeting a man should get to place anal beads in any women present and then rip them out when the meeting is over. It is meant to ease tension.

hav818

hav818

Houston, TX
May 2004

JUN 15, 2007 09:06 AM

Dude, you can't rip out anal beads like starting a lawnmower, recipe for disaster. At least that's what I've heard... <ahem> frown

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 09:13 AM

Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

JUN 15, 2007 09:34 AM

I love you, FTR. Thank you for helping me start my day w/absurd hilarity.

-TM

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 09:37 AM

Zarth said:
Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?


And what if one of her coworkers is lactose-intolerant? Is she just out of a job?

Chainlink

Chainlink

Christmas Island
August 2005

JUN 15, 2007 09:41 AM

Zarth said:

Zarth said:
Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?


And what if one of her coworkers is lactose-intolerant? Is she just out of a job?



Depends, will she drink piss ?

Jennifer_

Jennifer_

Venezuela
November 2006

JUN 15, 2007 09:43 AM

I have a mixed reaction to this. On the one hand, I'm irritated that I now have an overwhelming urge to hit these people with baseball bats.

But on the other hand, I'm pleased I've finally found someone to practice the ancient martial art of Bat-shido on.

(for anyone curious about what Batshido consists of: http://www.moviepunks.com/?id=253 )

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 10:00 AM

chainlink said:

Zarth said:

Zarth said:
Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?


And what if one of her coworkers is lactose-intolerant? Is she just out of a job?


Depends, will she drink piss ?


I think golden showers are only specifically blessed from the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) himself. Presumably, they're just "okay" otherwise.

And shouldn't the headline here be "Fatwas Gone Wild"?

unfiltrator

unfiltrator

San Francisco, CA
April 2004

JUN 15, 2007 10:02 AM

What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?

Mthrsuperior

Mthrsuperior

Victoria, BC
November 2002

JUN 15, 2007 10:22 AM

um, did he say 're constructive hymen surgery" eeek puke

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 15, 2007 10:23 AM

publicAnemone said:
What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?



last i checked the prophet was still totally down with smegma.

sugar_on_asphalt

sugar_on_asphalt

Dekalb, IL
June 2003

JUN 15, 2007 10:27 AM

See, I know that at *my* job, I'd feel WAY more comfortable with all my male co-workers if they'd sucked on my nipples at least five times. Then again, most of my male co-workers are gay.

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 10:32 AM

yourfashionwar said:

publicAnemone said:
What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?


last i checked the prophet was still totally down with smegma.


That's just absurd. Islam requires circumcision.

Dana_Mayhem said:
See, I know that at *my* job, I'd feel WAY more comfortable with all my male co-workers if they'd sucked on my nipples at least five times.


So . . . how you doin'?

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 15, 2007 10:42 AM

Zarth said:

yourfashionwar said:
publicAnemone said:
What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?


last i checked the prophet was still totally down with smegma.


That's just absurd. Islam requires circumcision.
/QUOTE]


confused
but not of the ladies...

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 15, 2007 10:43 AM

haha i totally fucked that up!

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 10:44 AM

My bad. I didn't realize that women also got smegma. Carry on.

RileyStClair

RileyStClair

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

JUN 15, 2007 10:46 AM

Zarth said:
My bad. I didn't realize that women also got smegma. Carry on.



let us never speak of smegma again.

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 10:51 AM

yourfashionwar said:

Zarth said:
My bad. I didn't realize that women also got smegma. Carry on.


let us never speak of smegma again.


Speak of what?

Chainlink

Chainlink

Christmas Island
August 2005

JUN 15, 2007 10:57 AM

Is that a nipple in the picture ? That breast is areolaless ?

Wendy

Wendy

SUICIDEGIRL

Israel

JUN 15, 2007 12:09 PM

My favorite fatwa is the one where men and women can get married for 15 minutes, or an hour, or whatever. however long a good blow job takes. You can't have sex outside of marriage, and all.

thatoneguy23

thatoneguy23

Ewa Beach, HI
October 2005

JUN 15, 2007 12:20 PM

yourfashionwar said:

publicAnemone said:
What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?



last i checked the prophet was still totally down with smegma.



And anyone who disagrees is a complete smeghead.

Zarth

Zarth

Seattle, WA
December 2004

JUN 15, 2007 12:23 PM

Wendy said:
My favorite fatwa is the one where men and women can get married for 15 minutes, or an hour, or whatever. however long a good blow job takes. You can't have sex outside of marriage, and all.


I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

lint737

lint737

Hollywood, FL
July 2004

JUN 15, 2007 12:51 PM

chainlink said:
Is that a nipple in the picture ? That breast is areolaless ?



That baby is nibbling on someones arse. Thus the confused baby face.

Hafu

Hafu

Charlottesville, VA
February 2005

JUN 15, 2007 01:26 PM

if a golden shower = blessing...

what does that make a Cleavland steamer?

DCruz

DCruz

Montreal-nord, QC
November 2006

JUN 15, 2007 02:02 PM

interesting...

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