NEWS: Fatwa Mania!

POLITICS: Fatwa Mania!

Who doesn’t love a good Fatwa? I remember the first one I ever heard: Don’t stick knives in the electrical socket. Two dead fingers later I knew what the Prophet Muhammad was talking about. For those of you who don’t know, Fatwas are religious edicts made by religious scholars to help guide Muslims through their lives. Without fatwas Muslims would be fucking donkeys and licking cat’s asses. That is how important they are.

Two recent fatwas have gotten quite a bit of attention in the Muslim world.

To the breast-feeding fatwa I say, “Welcome to the year 2007, Muslims.” We have been tasting the breast milk of our fellow co-workers for years. That is why they get to show their hair and wear pants around the office. Duh.

The second fatwa I am confused by. I do enjoy a nice bottle of urine after a run, but I didn’t realize it was a blessing.

It seems these two fatwas were not well received in Egypt, the country where the issuers reside. Egypt's Grand Mufti, Sheikh Ali Gomaa was responsible for the urine fatwa. The idea came to him when he wrote a story about a woman who drank the Prophet’s urine. (Who didn’t? It was the 600’s) Gomaa has since backed off, saying it was only an opinion, not a fatwa.

The Grand Mufti has a controversial history when it comes to fatwas. Earlier this year he issued a fatwa stating it was okay for women to get reconstructive hymen surgery if she had engaged in premarital sex, regretted it and asked God for forgiveness. As you can imagine, Muslim dudes were not happy. Nobody wants a second-hand vagina and Muhammad certainly would not be down with that.

A religious scholar who ran the Department of Teachings of the Prophet at the Foundation of Religious Colleges in Al Azhar University issued the awesome breast-feeding fatwa in May. (How about a fatwa to shorten that name? Heyooo!) Izat Atiyah thought it would be a great fatwa to deal with the problems associated with men and women working together. If women just let the men suck from their tits, then she could take off her veil. Seems pretty straightforward.

Oddly, the fatwa was mocked on television across the Middle East. Atiyah was suspended from his job and within days had retracted his titty sucking fatwa. I, personally, think it makes sense. But I also am the same guy who issued the “anal bead fatwa,” which declares before any business meeting a man should get to place anal beads in any women present and then rip them out when the meeting is over. It is meant to ease tension.

Dude, you can't rip out anal beads like starting a lawnmower, recipe for disaster. At least that's what I've heard... <ahem>

Does the woman have to be lactating, though? Or is only a symbolic feeding necessary?

I love you, FTR. Thank you for helping me start my day w/absurd hilarity.

-TM

And what if one of her coworkers is lactose-intolerant? Is she just out of a job?

Depends, will she drink piss ?

I have a mixed reaction to this. On the one hand, I'm irritated that I now have an overwhelming urge to hit these people with baseball bats.

But on the other hand, I'm pleased I've finally found someone to practice the ancient martial art of Bat-shido on.

(for anyone curious about what Batshido consists of: http://www.moviepunks.com/?id=253 )

I think golden showers are only specifically blessed from the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) himself. Presumably, they're just "okay" otherwise.

And shouldn't the headline here be "Fatwas Gone Wild"?

What about other bodily fluids? What does god think of those?

um, did he say 're constructive hymen surgery"

last i checked the prophet was still totally down with smegma.

See, I know that at *my* job, I'd feel WAY more comfortable with all my male co-workers if they'd sucked on my nipples at least five times. Then again, most of my male co-workers are gay.

That's just absurd. Islam requires circumcision.

So . . . how you doin'?

That's just absurd. Islam requires circumcision.
/QUOTE]



but not of the ladies...

haha i totally fucked that up!

My bad. I didn't realize that women also got smegma. Carry on.

let us never speak of smegma again.

Speak of what?

Is that a nipple in the picture ? That breast is areolaless ?

And anyone who disagrees is a complete smeghead.

I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

That baby is nibbling on someones arse. Thus the confused baby face.

if a golden shower = blessing...

what does that make a Cleavland steamer?

interesting...