- I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
- I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
- I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
- I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
- I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
- I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
- Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.
- 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
- I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
- At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
- My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
- I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
- I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
- The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
- I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
RIP Mitch
I just saw him like 2 months ago....
He was sooooooooo wasted on stage... he literally layed down on the stage and told jokes.....
my favorite from that nite:
"I've NewBalance Shoes. But these are kinda old, so I've been falling down a lot."