Well I suppose i'll post a follow up to the last entry.
It's done. She didn't see it coming and for that I do feel guilty. Unfortunately the whole thing was no longer working for me. I wasn't happy with how things were going and the intense needs she had that I wasn't able to keep up with. She begged and pleaded, telling me I didn't try. Then we hadn't tried. Then she hadn't tried. When she started telling me that it was because of her and she wasn't trying etc. it really pissed me off. SO many fights where I actually hadn't done anything wrong that I had to apologise for. I had tried. I had been trying. If I hadn't been trying than things would have been over a while back. I kept trying to make things work, thinking about what she had been saying and trying to improve at the shortcomings that I had. Unfortunately even in the sake of bending to her will to the point where I was unhappy, there were still fights and problems. For her to decide to try at the point I where I was at wouldn't have accomplished anything. She wanted me to give her another week but I knew how it would go. She would keep it up for the week and maybe a short while afterwards then itd all go back to normal. Too little, too late.
As for me, yeah, I feel bad about it. I hate hurting people I care about. And yes, I do still care worlds for her. I just can't give her what she needs. And the phone calls I got from her afterwards with the constant guilt tripping and anger at me were understandable and didn't phase me. I've been there and I knew what to expect.
Doing alright though. In the last few days i've had so much peace and relaxation that i've been able to centre myself again. Having enough time to live my own life again is a tremendous relief. I've set up my moms new computer, read through all 6 Scott Pilgrim books, saw TRON Legacy (and loved the shit out of it) and went out to hang out with my friends to play games. No fights. No drama. The way things should be.
Only problem is that being a person of habits and patterns, I have to make sure to not go back into my bad habits. My worst habit is forgiving those who have hurt me. In the last day or so i've caught myself thinking about one in particular. Watched a video of us. Looked at her picture. Had a dream involving her. Still feeling the way she made me feel. Getting the butterflies. I can't do this again. I have to make sure I don't contact her again.
Alyssa.
I've gone through this before and i've always had the same pattern. See her, get hurt, live my life, forgive her, get a new girl, lose the new girl, go back to her, feel close and happy, get hurt, live my life, forgive her and repeat ad nauseum. In 2009 I told her to not to contact me anymore. So far things have been going well with it. Haven't thought about her since, but now that i'm back to myself without anyone else to think about it's all coming back into my head.
I need to keep myself occupied and make sure I stick with my plan. I know its fucked for me to still care about her after all the bullshit she's put me through and i'm fucking stupid for feeling the way I do. I need to remember to keep my brain before my heart on this one because I don't want to go through the ringer again like I know I will.
Help me.
It's done. She didn't see it coming and for that I do feel guilty. Unfortunately the whole thing was no longer working for me. I wasn't happy with how things were going and the intense needs she had that I wasn't able to keep up with. She begged and pleaded, telling me I didn't try. Then we hadn't tried. Then she hadn't tried. When she started telling me that it was because of her and she wasn't trying etc. it really pissed me off. SO many fights where I actually hadn't done anything wrong that I had to apologise for. I had tried. I had been trying. If I hadn't been trying than things would have been over a while back. I kept trying to make things work, thinking about what she had been saying and trying to improve at the shortcomings that I had. Unfortunately even in the sake of bending to her will to the point where I was unhappy, there were still fights and problems. For her to decide to try at the point I where I was at wouldn't have accomplished anything. She wanted me to give her another week but I knew how it would go. She would keep it up for the week and maybe a short while afterwards then itd all go back to normal. Too little, too late.
As for me, yeah, I feel bad about it. I hate hurting people I care about. And yes, I do still care worlds for her. I just can't give her what she needs. And the phone calls I got from her afterwards with the constant guilt tripping and anger at me were understandable and didn't phase me. I've been there and I knew what to expect.
Doing alright though. In the last few days i've had so much peace and relaxation that i've been able to centre myself again. Having enough time to live my own life again is a tremendous relief. I've set up my moms new computer, read through all 6 Scott Pilgrim books, saw TRON Legacy (and loved the shit out of it) and went out to hang out with my friends to play games. No fights. No drama. The way things should be.
Only problem is that being a person of habits and patterns, I have to make sure to not go back into my bad habits. My worst habit is forgiving those who have hurt me. In the last day or so i've caught myself thinking about one in particular. Watched a video of us. Looked at her picture. Had a dream involving her. Still feeling the way she made me feel. Getting the butterflies. I can't do this again. I have to make sure I don't contact her again.
Alyssa.
I've gone through this before and i've always had the same pattern. See her, get hurt, live my life, forgive her, get a new girl, lose the new girl, go back to her, feel close and happy, get hurt, live my life, forgive her and repeat ad nauseum. In 2009 I told her to not to contact me anymore. So far things have been going well with it. Haven't thought about her since, but now that i'm back to myself without anyone else to think about it's all coming back into my head.
I need to keep myself occupied and make sure I stick with my plan. I know its fucked for me to still care about her after all the bullshit she's put me through and i'm fucking stupid for feeling the way I do. I need to remember to keep my brain before my heart on this one because I don't want to go through the ringer again like I know I will.
Help me.
but yea, trust you brain with that last bit. no one wants a sad and hurt zort.