zombiexdoll

I have this heavy weight in the middle of my chest and it's dragging me down. And it doesn't help waking up from having a dream about you. About me trying to get you back. About how I would do anything to get you back but I know I shouldn't. About me second guessing if I really do need you back. About me second guessing myself. People keep telling me I shouldn't tell you how I feel. But there's something in the back of my mind saying I should let you know. I don't even know why. I don't want you to know how much I love and miss you. I don't want you to know I'm suffering because of you. It wouldn't make a difference anyway. There would be no point in pouring my heart out to you anymore. It never made a difference. And even after everything you have done, I'm still sitting here knowing I'd give you another chance if you were to ask for one. When you never gave me not ONE chance. I'm supposed to hate you now. But I don't. I'm very fucking upset over this and I thought it would take me days to get over this at first but now I fear it'll take me months. I still love you so much. And all I think about anymore is wanting to be with you again. Even though I wanted out for a while, I want you back more than anything. I'm feeling the heat of my own comment about the "you don't miss things until they're taken from you". I should have been telling myself that because now I don't think anymore. I wonder. I wonder about what it is that's wrong with me. I wonder how things would be right this second if I would have acted differently towards different situations. I wonder why it is you wouldn't even consider giving me a chance. I wonder why I'm not good enough to ever get a consideration from you. What was it that I fucked up THAT BAD on??? How can someone come along, that you know lies to us to try and break us up, and tell you a lie about me to get me back and you believe it all? The least you could have fucking done was ask me about it first because you know damn well I never lie to you. I gave you all my trust and my heart and that still wasn't enough for you. So who's the one with high expectations? I give and give and you use it all to control me. I know this yet I still want you back. Everything you ever told me about trust was a lie. All of it. How you trust 3 people and that's it or whatever you said. How it's hard for you to trust people because of what you've been through in the past. And in a matter of minutes, that all changes. Suddenly you're so gullible to what Anthony tells you, you can just there and believe him. I don't fucking get that. I've never lied to you and all he does to you and me is lie. I really don't understand. You're never going to forget this and whether you think so or not, you WILL regret this. I'm never going to let you forget this. You may think you'll forget about it after a while but one day you'll just be sitting there thinking about shit or whatever and it will hit you. It WILL sink into you. I want you back but I know that it would be wrong. So then I'll just pray to fucking god that I find another person like you. A person that would make me as happy as you made me. Someone would likes the same shit I like. Someone who says silly things like you would. Someone who would make me feel better just by hearing their voice. I'm so in love with the little things about you. I always told you, "it's the little things that make me love you so much" and it's true. The big things you did never really mattered to me because I never knew if you were lying or not. Comes to find you WERE lying. But it's those little things I miss. I miss when you would text me all the time and call me during your break everyday so I could hear about how work is going for you so far. I miss when you would come over and see me practically everyday. But one day, all of that just stopped. And never came back. I miss the shit you talk about. I miss your stories that would make me laugh. I miss your puppy face. I miss just sitting there and staring at you even though you didn't like it. I miss being there for you when you get into fights with your mom or anything else that bothered you. Even though you never really let me inside, I still miss when you tried to. I miss being around you. I miss your voice. I miss our "operations". I miss you telling me about your obsession with mountain dew. I miss finishing your sentences. I miss kissing you. I miss having someone there who, most of the time, understood how I felt. I miss watching you make weird things out of balloons even though that was only like one time. I miss your drawings you would make. I miss hugging you. I miss making fun of degrassi commercials with you. I miss your singing. I miss the way you talk. I miss hearing your "shhhwaboing" noise on aim. I miss singing "Prom" to you. I miss your rubber shoes. I miss your smile. I miss your beautiful eyes. I miss how you would get mad when I wouldn't call you Cyanide. But most of all, I miss when you would sit there and tell me how much you loved me and how much you cared. Even though it was all lies, I would give anything to hear those words from you again and know that you meant them. I just miss you so much. But those are the only things I miss. You lied to me so much and kept things from me, I NEVER knew how you really felt about shit. I fell for you so hard. You were always telling me how scared you were to fall for me but you had no fucking clue how scared I was. I never told you because it would have made things worse. But I knew that you would be worth it so I didn't second guess things. I wish I could just move on and not care about you anymore because this is really killing me. I didn't snap in half when this shit happened. I didn't melt away. I didn't break down. I didn't shatter. Pieces of me
died. I still have enough of me to keep moving on but there's pieces of my heart that died through all of this. Rotted away. Things that die, don't come back to life and act how they did before. There will always be that chunk missing of my heart that you used to fill. You filled in that part of me and without you, I'll always have it there. That empty space. It won't come back. You can't heal something that's already dead. I don't regret anything though because I know in the end, it'll all make me stronger. I do wonder what's wrong with me everytime I think of you now but I don't regret anything. I'm sorry that I made you so unhappy and as much as I want
you to never be happy again, I can't say that I do. I hope that you find someone that will treat you better than I ever did. There's just no way we'd ever be able to be friends. I love you so much, trying to be your friend would just make me so unhappy. Knowing that you don't feel the same and I have to keep my mouth shut about wanting you back. Just know I won't always feel this way. Yeah, I'm sad now, but soon all this sadness will turn to anger. You don't have to say anything back at all. This is just something I thought YOU should know.

You said you'd be back tomorrow but tomorrow has come and gone.