zombiexdoll

kristen broke up with me. i was so ready for all of it to work out. it all came crashing down. i dont know what i did. it was so sudden. i cant handle this again. i dont know what to do. i have no one left. veronica fucken hates me and doesnt want me. kristen doesnt want me. i have no one to think about. no one even fucken cares about me and you KNOW thats the truth. everything is falling apart. i really thought things would work out with her. this is killing me. this is one of the worst days in my entire fucking life. when i first started talking to her i told her she was going to break up with me. but she didnt believe me. look who was right. she broke 2 of my records. i asked her out. i NEVER ask anyone out. they ask me. thats gotta mean something right?? and she broke up with me. NO ONE breaks up with me. i break up with them. so what the fuck?? its bad because...i really thought things were going great. and she was thinking the exact opposite of me. how do you think that makes me feel?? maybe like a fucking moron?? could you say i was being lied to? led on?? she was so afraid i would break her heart. i dont even have a heart anymore. its been broken down. people have torn through it. set it on fire. shot it down. it too worn down now. i have nothing anymore. i could barely handle it when veronica fucked me over. but this time....i cant. im not strong enough to. i gathered some shit up to take with me when i leave. i keep getting fucked over. im just going to leave and try to find a place where maybe someone would actually care about me and not lead me on. im sick of all of this. maybe alisia will know what i should do. im trying not to hate kristen. i dont know how i should feel. shes getting some good sleep right now i bet. and here i am. a fucking pathetic loser typing on some stupid ass online journal bullshit that no one cares about. im not breathing right. theres no way ill be eating anything. i threw up what i did eat earlier. i cant even begin to think about sleeping. i have waaaayyyy too much on my mind. and everytime i lay down in my bed and everything is dark, it all comes rushing back to my head. i honestly dont understand what i did wrong. there has to be something. whats wrong with me? what do i do now? i had my mind set for something unreal. thats what i get for hoping. thats what i get for being human. if nothing is wrong with me then how come it never works out for me? i always fuck shit up. when am i going to find someone that will treat me right? whem am i going to treat someone right? i did all i could for kristen. i tried to give her everything i could. i didnt care about anything else whatsoever. i didnt care about my grades. i didnt care about who did what. i didnt care about anyone else. i just wanted her to be happy. i went out of my way to do shit for her. why doesnt she like me? why do they always run away from me? why doesnt it ever work out? when veronica fucked me over....it was just so...i flipped out. i tried to kill myself. i had a breakdown. its not that bad this time. but theres something else. its this bad feeling in my chest. its my heart melting away. like acid being poured on it. you feel the acid dripping onto your heart. one drop at a time. theres going to be so many songs that i cant listen to now kuz i think of her. like ALL of my msi cds. she said it didnt feel right. what made her think that? what was it that i did?

all of my sadness will eventually turn to hate. i feel it coming.

it would have been 6 days til our one month together. i asked her out on joey jordisons birthday. april 26th.