zombieelvis

The Tallywhacker Miracle

Thank ye, oh, Lord, for the lead ye putteth in my pencil...

Ladies and gentlemen: The Penis. It's ugly, knarled and knows how to make old women cry in the Safeway carpark, but don't underestimate it. For Little Elvis is remarkable in many ways and can do many things that Uncle Tommy may not have made you aware of during those awkward parlour games that you didn't really want to play. I present to you, therefore, some of the lesser-known medical uses of Senor Winkie:

The Hangover Horn:
I awoke on Saturday morning with the engorged cranium of a disappointed walrus on the puny body of a chinchilla. I had supped of the beer on the previous night. I was ill - oh yes - I was ill. The world was collapsing and nothing made sense - least of all the torpid smell of eggs frying in the kitchen and children demanding that I take them to the moon immediately on a rocket they'd built from soil. Everything around me was being sucked into my ears by Satan's own greedy reverse-anus. How did my body respond? It gave me The Hangover Horn. The Hangover Horn is a little blessing from the Lord to remind you that it isn't all bad. You can't account for it, it makes no sense, it defies the very laws of biology, but there it is - alive and awake before you, ready for whatever the day can throw at it. It is a message to the terrorists of your liver that this body may be broken, but business continues and it shall not be beat. Or else it is a warning that your brain is completely fucked and you'd better buy Man Nappies asap. I prefer the first.

Cockacetamol
May be taken with Dickuprofen. That's right! You wake with the Hangover Horn - the doctor has spoken, take the medicine. Use your gift. Ignore the throbbing within your skull and share the joy with the Ladies of Palm. Upon completion, let the Cockacetamol soothe you. Your headache will be gone! Warning: Do not exceed stated dose. Do not take other medicines containing Cockacetamol.

Knob Java/ Horpricks
Feeling lethargic? - give Little Elvis a tug! Can't get to sleep? - give Little Elvis a tug! It's the cure-all solution for tiredness and insomnia. If you can't wake up or can't get to sleep, paying a little careful attention to the Old Man of the Pants will soon have you right!

Cock Vitals
You're ill. You've been ill for some time. You want to be right again. How do you know if your condition is improving? Check with Hans Johnson from the Nordic village of Groin. FACT: Little Elvis shrinks by 37.2% during bouts of illness and regains size as your vital statistics improve. Measure him on day 1 of your illness. Measure him again on day 2. Work out the difference in size to determine how many days away you are from the height of your illness or how many days until you are fit again. Generally a 5% daily girth gain will see you back to your old self within the week. (This cock-casting technique is thought to be the origin of the popular 19th Century saying 'a quarter-inch thicker, a day less sicker', or something.)

Nad Barometer
Need to know the shipping forecast? Will the dahlias blossom early this year? Expecting snow at the weekend? Check your jolly-wallet and see whether those babies are hanging low (forecast: warm spells) or are so far into your stomach that you've returned to a nascent pre-pubsecent state (forecast: ice, with a chance of sleet). NB: doing this in the street may result in symptoms of arrest.

So there you are, boys and girls. The Tallywhacker Miracle. Nature's own Medicine Chest. Love it, embrace it, and always follow dosage instructions.

Contra-indications: ZombieElvis has no qualifications whatsoever and is currently in possession of numerous court injunctions for medical malpractice.