zirael

I wanted to share my thoughts with you right now because all my mind is asking to do it immediately.

First of all, I had a terrible depression about few months, I was crying a lot and suffering cause of huge headache. I was not able to go to the doctor because of financial situation and it made me feel much worse - that me, an adult person, still can't go to the clinic now. I was fighting with depression without doctor's help and pills. The only way which helped me to understand what is going on is...an acceptance.

This post IS NOT ABOUT special ways and courses about meditation, this is only the post to EVERYONE who supported me and to EVERYONE who feels the same at this moment.

Life is so crazy. A couple years ago we were totally different. Our bodies are changing, our mind is becoming different too. I started my way with big unconfidience about my body and face. I was one of the ugliest girls ever in the school (not kidding). I always hated my big hips and small breast size, troubles with skin and big mad eyes. I was thinking "being beautiful" is about "being like everyone". But my mind just turned into another way after SuicideGirls instagram. I saw those amazing girls, they were smiling and they were DIFFERENT! They were still beauiful, they had different bodies and faces. And I realized... we are beautiful because WE ARE DIFFERENT!

Of course it was not enough to forget about inferiority complex. I was not sure to come to SuicideGirls community because I was still afraid Can I/Could I... I was surprised to find out my parents supported me to try shoot the set for SuicideGirls! Even they said "What are U waiting for...?" And I've tried.

Making content, being complitely naked not only with body, also about mind (because you are communicating with a lot people) turned out to be a difficult process for me for the first time. I started to compare myself with other girls and think that I am the worst person ever (then I was looking for reasons to think so which even DIDN'T exist!!!). I was collaborating with a lot people, including SuicideGirls models, It was really hard for me to accept myself as a model because all the time I thought "why I can't make great poses and smile good like 'em". I've even stopped to work with a lot people because of the reason I said above.

What happened to me next and why did I decide to say all of this NOW? It was really hard to accept first that we are all DIFFERENT. You can believe me that you are all beauiful no matter what. You can get some changes: from hair dye to surgery and it is totally OK if YOU want this, not fashion or people said that to you. YOU decide what will you do with your body, don't let people say that you need to make you thin lips thicker if you like how does it look. Sounds crazy simple but I COULD NOT ACCEPT IT long time! I thought if someone wants me to change my body it is true way to improve my mental health.

I hated myself for all I had but now I just want to say thanks to myself and to EVERYONE who said me great comments about me. It does not matter what about it was body or face or even about my personality. It was helping me to understand that a lot people supported me NO MATTER WHAT and it's freaking awesome. I want to say thanks to SuicideGirls for amazing opportunity to show different beauty - U guys can't imagine how much you did for me and for a lot people! From the start of my changes to this point I see you made a great community, it's legendary and I am so proud to be one of those beauiful different SuicideGirls models.

My depression is still ruling my life sometimes - I did not get rid off this complitely but I am on my right way.

If you feel you are not perfect, you compare yourself with someone and suffer because of this, I am begging you to start with acceptence "why do I really worse?" Every person has a special PERSONAL way in life and we have to stop to think we did not deserve love and being happy because who we are. Trust me, millions tears and hate to yourself won't make you happier. You will become sadder and you will go deeper inside your depression thoughts. Go to the doctor if you can't fight with it, speak with your parents/friends and stop to compare yourself with someone!

I want to say THANKS again to all of you who read this. U re beautiful and awesome people, appreciate yourself, take care of your body and thoughts.

I love you so much.
I tag @missy and @rambo just because I want to say thank you for everything you did for SuicideGirls.