zirael

I am 16 years old in the photo and I am a stupid girl who does not think about the future. I was too stupid to understand the obvious things, two of my relatives died in a short time and I was afraid to think about the future. I would like to dedicate this post to myself 16 years old.

I'm scared to think about the future, people ask me often: what will you do in 5-10 years? Are you also going to work on a webcam site and be naked model? My dreams were same all my life. It's nice to think that I have performed a part of them already, being an adult. However, my the biggest dream remains dream.

Being a teenager who liked rock culture, I dreamed of becoming a musician and seeing the whole world. I want to feel this drive and understand what it feels like when millions of people love your music, when they listen to your songs on the road, in bed, during sex and food. When your music is part of thousands and thousands of people. I am not an egocentric person, I just wanted my passion for music to be more than just a trick. Everyone told me that I am stupid and have to find an occupation that could feed me in the future, that I should become a teacher or an accountant or someone else's "real", not who I want to be. It was painful for me to ruin my dream and life and I've started to learn marketing business. Everyone has been told me all my life that I will change my mind about making tattoos as I grow up, that I will take off the piercing, I will dye my hair in the natural color, I will no longer want to be a model of SUICIDEGIRLS. As you understood, I did not change my views. I left college and my views have not changed. I tried to be what the society perceived me, but nothing came of it. And I do not want to stop being a model for SUICIDEGIRLS, to delete my tattoos and be "as someone normal".

Now I am thinking about the future. I'm afraid to plan what I will do after five years. but my thoughts about the future in my mind are breaking my heart. What if I want to fulfill my stupid dream? What if I want to write music, create my own band and travel the world with concerts, feel this drive and genuine emotions? For the first time I speak publicly about my emotions, for me it is difficult. I want to confess: I am afraid that I will never know that, that I will die while I am dreaming of a big stage, but without even try to do it.

I already played in bands but the performances were in small clubs and nobody knew the band where I was playing. I was a mediocre musician and even if I managed to create something unique, my opinion was never important for the band members.

I am creating material with my brother and the best friend now. We've decided to try to create the band. I think it will be the last chance for me to realize myself as a musician. If this idea will be failed, I will never think about the stage and try to forget about the silly dream.

I didn’t want money, privileges, but I just wanted to be part of the scene, see the world and save broken hearts with music that once saved my life. I realize how short life is and I will soon be 22, time flies by. I just want to meet the expectations of the very stupid girl in the photo.

Thanks for read. I appreciate it.

Thanks @missy and @rambo