zigs

So, I've always been reasonably insecure; I hated my nose, my eyebrows, my legs, and well.. I could probably go on. BUT.. if you want to take a ride with me to the way back machine, in that same time frame of "typical, random, girl insecurities, that no one else really notices or thinks is ugly except for you, time", (or as I like to think of it, what kept me grounded and real).... I, for the most part, felt fuckin fabulous. I not only felt beautiful, felt admired, I was damn right vain. Of course the waving pangs of jealousy would crash down on me now and again, but it was your average amount of baggage, nothing too heavy. That changed, drastically. I went from 2 good sized, vintage, heavy - yet necessary, suitcases, to the god damn lost & found department at the airport. I was loaded with baggage... burried in it. I felt cluttered in self worthlessness and it disgusted me... I fucking love being happy and feeling good, why the hell should this be hard? Usually if you love something, it's easy to be close to it. But of course these thoughts and emotions did not spontaneously combust out of fuckin nowhere... My feelings of diffidence and being emotionally knocked to the ground became increasingly worse over the years... after multiple cheating boyfriends, mean fuckin "friends", and a "new addition" to my family, i.e.; I got knocked up, got really fat, had a baby and my body hasn't been the same since.. (a baby, I remind you, that has changed my life for the better, that I would never take back for anything, and is the reason I live and breath... just to be perfectly clear... i do NOT resent my son for my body condition). My confidence was practically non existant; I used to be the girl striving for the lime light in the lead role of a play, the first to "strike a pose" when a camera was present, and always a major flirt. I was fun and social and me. And then, poof. I was gone. Then something happened... something magical and life altering and fucking brilliant. I won the love lottery. I found a man that I actualy, truly, for the first time ever, in the history of my everness, trusted. A man that when he told me he loved me, I believed it, I knew it. A man that makes me feel like the most glamerous girl on the red carpet, even in my pajamas. And a man that is always intriguing, witty, and a god damn genius. Please don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying anyone needs a man, or another person validating them to make them feel like confident, beatiful people, fuck no. I just want to say that if you open yourself up to all the hurt and all the fucked up shit in life, you're also opening yourself up for the good stuff too. Every once in a while the wind will blow a sweet smell in your direction... we just have to put up with the rotten eggs to smell the purdy flowers...
This man has taught me so much about growing up, what it means to love someone, and so fucking much about myself... forgive the clich, but he never ceases to amaze me. Every day I've felt better and better. I could physically feel the layers of all my "ugliness" falling off, chipping away, and becoming soulful colors and melodys. Mmmm... Fantastic. Let me tell you... But now, right this fucking second... those rotten eggs are caving in again, and I don't know why. Well, I might know why... but I dont' know how to fix it now. I'm drowning again. It's miserable. I want my Brian...