ziarelle

I feel like sex.
I had a really good day at the gym and practiced belly dance, I feel soft and warm and strong underneath.
I've been carrying around this lovely cobalt blue canteen that my mom picked up for me in response to my sudden, irrational, media-fueled fear that plastic water bottles are giving me cancer, so I'm well hydrate. I had Indian food for a late lunch, and the spice is still lingering on the back of my tongue.
My hair is still wet from the shower but the curls are already drying at the ends, and I'm wearing a skirt and layered tank top with nothing underneath.
Hint: As long as wardrobe and climate allow, I'm pretty much never wearing underwear. I'll wear bras only because I buy pretty bras and I enjoy having them on.

I can't call Jason.
I've been spending more time with him recently, and I can't fall into that trap again.
He will never care as much about me as I do about him.
I don't even think he's capable of it.
He's just.. Is emotionally retarded too harsh a term?
I consider myself to be emotionally retarded.
At least I know it though. I warn people.
He just lets it go.. A good night is a good night to him.
Never mind our history. Never mind that I think about him when we're not together, and not always just because I feel like pressing my body up against someone else's.
I have this damned affection for him..
I worry about him.
I keep trying to feed him.. >.<
That's the most irritating, I think.
I don't know why I do this. I was an italian mother in another lifetime?
But ever since basically I started to learn how to cook, I've fed people.
Or offered to feed them.
I bake cakes for birthday parties, cookies and lemon bars for my friends and coworkers just out of the blue.
I'll bake anything with chocolate in it for my roommates or family on demand.
I make lunch for my mom when I know she's coming home from work at noon, and dinner for my sister even when she's seriously pissing me off at the time.
Just last night I made this Martha Stewart macaroni and cheese recipe for my mom just because she asked, even though it was labor intensive and something I hadn't made before and I wasn't familiar with, even though I've had it once before and didn't really care for the kind of cheeses used in it, and even though I was just having a shitty day yesterday.
When my friend confided a health concern to me, I started looking up recipes that helped strengthen the immune system and promoted health.
God knows why, I cook. I feed.
I don't have any inherent gift for it, I practice recipes over and over again and often end up having to throw away the mistakes, and I hate wasting food.
I'm much better with baking, but the things I cook really well include tuna casserole, a thai peanut sauce for spaghetti, and this couscous salad thing that my mom used to make but I improved on. Its like tabbouleh.
I'm generally terrified of making fish or chicken as I'm sure I'll give someone food poisoning.
It hasn't happened yet, but I always end up overcooking it.
I never really endeavored red meat before, and I don't see starting now as I just quit eating it for the New Year. Same to pork.
And I make huge portions..
And I end up calling Jason, because he's often poor (his industry was hit bad in the recession, and he's crap with money anyway) and I worry he's not eating or eating like.. ramen.
So I invite him over.. and he'll do his laundry here or we'll watch a movie or he'll use my laptop as he doesn't have his own comp, and we'll have sex and he goes home.
Its always fun. We have good conversations, the sex is always excellent.
He only leaves because I kick him out. I live at home right now because I too am poor, and boys aren't allowed to sleep over.
And its always fun.
But thats all it is to him.