So the blog homework from @missy @rambo and @lyxzen this week is:
4/24: What is the most amazing/hilarious/disastrous romantic gesture you have ever pulled off, witnessed, or been the subject of?
And I just had to share what I affectionately refer to as "my worst date".
I have been a hairdresser for many years, (though it's not my primary job anymore), and there was a time when I had a very loyal, and amazing clientele. I had recently called off my wedding to my (now ex) fiance, and my clients were eager to help. One of my very favorite ladies came bursting into the salon one day and said, "You can thank me later, but I've set you up with this guy I work with and he's so great. He'll make you laugh all night, and he's such a hard worker, I can only imagine he'd be a great lover (to which I initially though 'hubba hubba', but in hindsight I'm thinking, 'how do those things correlate?!' I digress). I already gave him your number, and he want's to take you out on Thursday!"
Thursday rolls around, and I got a text from him saying "Hey, I'm so and so, your clients co-worker, I'd love to take you out. Drinks tonight?!" and I replied with "Yea! I have a salon meeting that might run a little late tonight, so I'll have already eaten, but drinks sound great!" I was nervous, but drinks with a funny hard-worker didn't sound so bad after a long meeting and a day on my feet. As the meeting was coming to a close, I asked where I should meet him, and that's when stuff started going wrong.
"Meet me at my apartment. I live on the third floor of ___. I've already started pre-gaming", he said. "Pregaming?!" I thought? I mean we're going out to drinks on a blind date... Whatever. I showed up to his apartment and texted him that I was there, and he leaned out his window and DROPPED HIS KEYS DOWN TO ME. He said he didn't feel like going "all the way" down three flights of stairs and all the way back up, so I could just let myself in; "that's easier". (This is when Zephi should have cut and run, but she did not, dear reader, she did not.)
I walked into his catpiss smelling apartment and his first words were "What do you pair with your vodka?" I haven't met this person before. We are not at a house party. We are in our late twenties on a blind date. I said I'd just get my drinks at the bar, thankyouverymuch, but he said he wasn't ready yet, and that he was getting too drunk already because he hadn't eaten yet, would I like to go to dinner? I reaffirmed that I had already eaten at my meeting, but if he was hungry I'd tag along wherever, as it was getting late and I had appointments in the morning. We got in his car and went to this swaaaaaggy Japanese restaurant. I was bummed because
A) I'd been wanting to eat there at some point, but I wasn't hungry, and
B) I'd been wanting to eat there at some point, and could tell this dummy was going to ruin it for me.
The waitress came to get our orders, and I ordered 1 (one) Sapporo (Japanese beer). He ordered:
Sake (enough for a table of 4)
Edamame
a 5 roll sushi platter.
I can't remember what we talked about, but it was a struggle to find a common denominator aside from my client who set me up with him, and since I knew her so intimately, I didn't feel comfortable talking about her. He was chauvinistic about his job, didn't have many hobbies, and hated dogs (strike one... billion.). At one point I got up to use the restroom and send an S.O.S, and when I came back, the waitress was sitting in my seat, clearly flirting with him. I was livid. I asked to be taken back to my car, so he got the check and when it came he looked at it, looked at me, and said "How do you want to split this?"
What. The. Fuck.
I said "I was under the impression this was a date, but since I won't ever go out with you again, I'm happy to pay for my beer."
And he said, "Well, can we split it 50/50? I didn't bring enough cash..."
and I said "no."
He figured something out with the waitress, his new bff, and we got back in his car which he proceeded to
1) Run 3 red lights
2) Hop a curb and nearly miss a telephone pole, and
3) Back into a tree stump.
As soon as he pulled into his apartment, he said "do you want to come up and cuddle and watch a movie or something?"
and I said "no".
I haven't been on a blind date since.
