zentrixter

I am a bisexual man, but very rarely attracted to men (probably 1 in 1000 guys). As I say in many of my on-line profiles, "I am bi, but while that is the case, I say it is because it is the truth of who I am, but it's not the sum-total or focus. For all intents, I am straight that way..." I am vastly more attracted to women.

Also, as far as BDSM goes, I have changed in a number of very significant ways over the years, and I am just now beginning to appreciate and accept that. I have come to realize that a not-insignificant number of my relationships I have been in over the years were using BDSM as a substitute for true intimacy. Now, don't get me wrong; I am well aware that this paradigm is in place more often than many in the alt.sex community would like to admit, and no, I am NOT saying that it is even close to a majority of the time. But in my case, I now can see that I have in the past allowed this trade-off to take place. This is unhealthy, at least for me.

I am very skilled in my particular areas of both BDSM and male-female intimacy (this always sounds like a brag/boast, so forgive me if it comes across that way. Seriously, I'm not blowing my own horn [would that I could!]; I'm just trying to get all the puzzle-pieces on the table). I am very fulfilled by physically controlling a woman's body, and her pleasure. My particular brand of kink is orgasmic control / benevolence. There are few things I enjoy more than making a woman climax for me, repeatedly, and often more than she thinks she can/should. I have spent years learning the female body and all its wonderful intricacies. Knowing how to make a woman I'm with climax nearly spontaneously, often times at my apparent whim, is both a great joy and (admittedly) a rather large gift from the Universe. I take it, and its associated responsibility, rather seriously. When you can do that for a person, there is a danger that they will form an unhealthy admiration of you that can border on worship, and this can (and has at times) lead to a very unrealistic and unhealthy ego. The real trouble is two-fold: a) this is the truth of my sexuality and who I am in a very genuine sense. This is what gets me off. Denying that is as wrong as playing it up beyond realistic levels, and b) this has in the past been an unrealistic and unsound base for longer-term relationships.

Having the ability to merely whisper something into a woman's ear that makes her wet on the spot is a rather powerful high unto itself. I can get into people's heads and discover what they really want--what they've wanted all along; deep desires that they thought may never been fulfilled, things that may have--at times--caused them shame and guilt. Guilt at wanting to be pleased. Guilt at wanting their bodies to be for pleasure. Being able to wrest control of their bodies and minds from their mundane day-to-day consciousness and insist that they feel titillation, excitement, pleasure, release--essentially saying "No, I'll take responsibility for the reality of the moment. You just cum. Just be this orgasm. Don't worry. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel shame. Just let go and have this. You're worthy of this. Experience this moment wholly and totally. You can trust me enough to lose control. Just take this gift from me..." The only way I can draw any kind of analogy for this dynamic is to equate how this feels to what a gun enthusiast feels when they first get to fire something big. Not only fire, but control. Learn. Master. It truly does remind me of the first time I "graduated" from shooting .22 and got my first 30.06. The initial recoil into my shoulder was thrilling. But the real excitement, the real thrill, was the first day I shot three 4" clusters at 200y, back to back to back, and earned my high-power marksmans' cert and badge. Knowing that I had achieved mastery of something so powerful was...intoxicating.

But intoxication often leads to an unhealthy attachment to the thing or act by the ego. Within the context of my ever-deepening Zen practice, this is truly a dance on a razor's edge. But that aside, what it really points to is a deep truth of self that I have now just begun to accept:

I very often give too much of myself...

...and it hurts.

Back when I was very active in the Chicago/Milwaukee kink scene (mid-late 80's), there were times when people in the community asked me (covertly, or subtly - most often); "Why do I always see you (read: the not classically considered "hawt" sort-of portly dude) with these really gorgeous / fascinating women? What have you got? What's special about you that makes women gravitate towards you?" I would often joke back "Well, large bodies--by virtue of their mass--always attract other bodies to them..." That wasn't/isn't entirely inaccurate. Large things do attract, but my physical mass isn't the issue, and that's what people have a hard time getting their heads around. My energy, my personality, my psyche, my skill-set, my compassion... those ARE large things. And they attract--invariably. Women have always been drawn to me--people have always been drawn to me. But just because this is the case doesn't mean that those drawn to me--or that the relationship that grows from that gravity and attraction--are healthy. And that is on me.

I have come to understand, through intense self-examination (read: Zen practice) and guided exploration (read: psychotherapy) that I DO have a rather large fear of being alone. This is interesting, because I appreciate and need a greater-than-average amount of quiet and "alone" time. But that time has always been nestled in the safety of knowing that I am "desired" and "wanted" by people. But looking at it now, how much of that "wanted" feeling was actually smoke and mirrors? How many of my relationships were actually images of stone projected upon very thin screens of gauze? How many of my relationships with people of the opposite sex were ones of mere convenience for both the woman (who gets to have this level of intense attention to her most base and intimate of needs fulfilled) as well as myself (who gets the intimacy of that physical, spiritual and psycho-sexual connection that is so desired) while the deep, genuine and authentic emotional connection--and the genuine physical and love and appreciation of me, as both a person and a masculine entity--has been relegated to such a low priority that it starts to wither, all because I don't want to not have its presence in my life.

In short: why do I give so much, and yet allow for so little to be returned to me?

That sounds so trite. So egocentric. So needy. I hate the way it sounds. But unfortunately, it's the truth of the situation. I married a gay woman. I am dating someone who either refuses or is incapable of equating my level of interest in--let alone passion for--the physicality of the relationship dynamic. I have spent the last eight years having sex with women who love me for what I can give to / produce in them, but when it comes to my pleasure, there is a disconnect. A major one. An elephant in the room. As I said to my primary partner recently while talking about wanting to end our marriage: it's no real fun fucking someone if they don't actually enjoy my dick in them. I am done with having sex with people who are letting me have sex with them.

Yes, I am very, very good as a lover/Dom/sex partner. Some would say I have more skills than many, many men they have known, etc, blah. But that doesn't really add up to sh!t if it's all for the love of smoke and mirrors. But with each step I take in my life now, I must insist that the relationship is based on something much more firm than "ten orgasms a day for good health".

I'd like one of those orgasms to be by me, for me, and because the woman wants it that way, not because I deserve it for all my effort and attention.