zensauna

I can feel my mind slipping away. I can feel all my energy draining away. It is a scary and lonely place that I am falling into. It is frightening to know that within 5 years I will be eating medication and seeing a therapist on a regular basis. To know that I will no longer be myself, that I will be something completely different. An empty shell trying to pretend that all is well and that life can go on with the right meds, with the right therapy sessions, with the right daily routines.

Or then I will be alone. My friends and family will have left me. Or I will have left them. The contrasts of my life will simply create conflicts with them all. There will be no normality left. I will be a raging bull of anger, desperation and degradation. An empty hollow shell of depression. A rift will simply form, like an earthquake our ties will split after each quake that rises from my inner disappointment. My disappointment at you, me and the world.

And what an anger it is. It isn't direct and it isn't anyone or any one things fault. It comes from within. I nor my subconscious know where it comes from. Apart of it swells from the outer world that I see each day as becoming more meaningless, more wrong, more ripped. Apart from it comes from my anger at myself. But neither of these two sub-causes are the true origin of it. Whatever it is...

And I feel I have no control over anything. At the current moment everything is pointless. I have no energy to do anything. I have no future. I have no soul to sell.

But it isn't all bad. I have fits of creative energy and moments of passion, but I can feel that they won't carry me to safety. I am lost at sea, and even though I can see all my friend on the shore or in other boats trying to guide me back, I know that my riptide of a soul will pull my mind away, down into the deep dark blue and cold embrace of a mad, lonely existence.

This will be an interesting ride.

Peace & Love,
-zS