zenntheart0103

it is a sunday night, as you can see, and once again ive found myself in the fine predicament of working or smoking cigarettes and pouring myself a glass of wine again. this frustrates me. by nature, i am not a lazy person, but this semester i've outdone myself. fantastic. i cannot find the motivation, and my work is done distractedly and only to the point of numb completion.
i find myself surrounded by a whole new crowd, and although it is certainly a step up from last year, having learned my lesson the hard way, but sometimes i have to wonder why. Certainly i feel more in touch, because conversations have actually occurred about books and philosophy and politics and everything....but sometimes it makes me feel out of place as well. i think this just goes with the territory of being me. ive never really felt as if i belonged to something. im not even sure i want to...but i think at some point, it would be comforting.
ive been stuck in this rut lately, and these people, are all doing the most amazing of things, getting on with their lives, and i feel as if i am being left behind in some grand race i cant quite figure out the track of. and somehow, that because of this, i am a fake. how am i to hang out with all these incredibly driven people, when i myself am doing nothing, and cannot motivate myself even to start doing so? i am not like this. i have always been so passionate about something or another, and now i am not. i feel washed out. i am thinking of taking a semester off, just to recoup from some mental form of mono. my job will possibly be stretched into the area of design within the next few months, and i will start teaching/helping out in Art Classes at the childrens museum. i can only hope this will afford me some sense of permanence and direction that i so direly need these days. and so the slump continues....