zenexistence

The above picture, initially, has nothing at all to do with Christmas, right?
Incorrect.
What it says is that if I had a really huge stocking that could hold nine bodies, THIS is what I would want stuffed in it. And, really, lets be honest here, who doesn't have a stocking that'll provide storage for nine bodies?

One thing about the Christmas season that I truly appreciate [up until regurgitation hits] is the sheer mass quantity of baked goods provided by everyone, quite a few of whom are total strangers. Thank you friends and strangers, thank you for all these treats! My blood sugar and gastrointestinal tract appreciate you with decadent glee!



So, I was sitting at my desk the other day and I was all like"Hmm, what am I getting myself for Christmas?" Because, you see, this IS the season for giving and it'd be unfair not to give to myself, so I was a-ponderin'.
Wickedly a-ponderin'.
And then it struck me. I mean struck me like Superman-punching-Batman-who's-dressed-up-like-Santa struck me!
I want a baby hippo!Fuck yes, hippos! They're actually amazingly aggressive and are one of the most feared creatures in zoos. Mine wouldn't be aggressive, though, because I would feed him BLT's [Bacon Lettuce Tangerine sandwiches, schmuck] on the really good wholegrain bread, not that shitty cheap stuff that you buy for $.99 at the grocery store that falls apart and that causes your roast beef to fall to the floor and landing on the mayonnaise side so that not ONLY did you lose part of your sandwich but you then have to clean up a white slathery mess too, and then I'd also share my Coke Zeros with him because, well, that motherfuckers like a TON and who wouldn't share their drinks with a creature of such proportionate girth?
Amirite or amirite?


Besides a hippo, which is far more rational of a gift than you give me credit for, I also want the absurd.
I want Yo-Yo Ma lying on the floor of a public restroom serenading a wombat.

I do.

Seriously.

I do.

Seriously.

I do.

Give it to me.

WHABBAM!


"DAMN, Scotty, how do you provide us with such wonderful items of unadulterated joy and shared absurdity?"
And I say to you in return, "Why are you talking to me?"

Okay, I admit, I kinda stole that comeback from Jeff Goldblum.

It's been pretty cold here, dipping into the 20's most nights, with highs of the 40's during the day. You know what I have to say to that after living over a quarter of a century in Florida?
IFRACKINLUVIT!
But my feet are cold a lot.
As are my ears.
Or as were my ears, I might say.


Speaking of delicious, toasty ears -- Have you seen Chrysis new set? Not like this beautiful creature needs any help from me but check out Needful Things because if I had to choose an alternate for my nine-body stocking and I wasn't getting the entire Firefly cast, which I fucking well am, I would want this lady in there.
Of course, she's wee-sized so ther would still be room for 10.6 other people in that stocking, so we would, naturally, add Trekka but she's even wee-er, so then we'd have room for 10.01 more people so I need someone of significant stature. Hmm, okay, St Cyr is a brawny dude [eventhoughhehatesme!] sooo we'll throw him into the mix and he'll take up the space 2 people. Then well add Hyatt and she , obviously, comes with a dingo and a koala bear. Again, she's a pretty wee creature but the dingo and koala take up a lot of room so I'm not sure how much room is left in my stocking.
Oh, hell, stuff in saillesong, doormat, ribbonsundone, Luther and last, but no means least, Bailey because I've known her for a decade and she'd punch me in the junk if I forgot about her.
The rest of those I forgot to mention will adorn my tree in some manner.
Does that sound macabre?
Good, it was supposed. to.

Okay, I need coffee.
Off I go.
Bye.
I'm leaving.
Outta here.
See ya.

Wait, I knew there was something I was forgetting to tell you:


OkayIgo!

Eye<3ewe,
Scotty

PS -