IT IS OFFICIAL, YA’LL
YES, you read that correctly...
Ya girl Zen is (after almost 6 years on the site as a photographer) an official HOPEFUL!
Yup, you heard me! I have FINALLY shot my first set as an SG HOPEFUL! My amazing bestie, @cygnet photographed the most perfect set I could ever imagine of me as my debut set and it will be out in 5 MONTHS (cries, lol) So come May 2021 you’ll be able to see my FULL DEBUT SET in all it's glory!
It’s hard for me not to get emotional about this because this community has completely changed my life. And since I'm feeling emotional, why not tell you about my journey with SuicideGirls...
In 2014 my lovely friend @dahl became a part of the Blackheart Burlesque and needed a photographer to shoot her debut set. I had been a photographer since 2010 and told her I was up for the challenge (though I knew about the site I wasn't fully aware of what it took to shoot an SG set) Thankfully we did our best with what we knew and that set is still available today to view, though never purchased as SOTD. Shortly after that my LONG time friend @effy messaged me asking if I would photograph her (just for fun). She had recently gone pink and told me more about SG and the site. We shot some pretty lingerie looks up in the mountains and she tagged me in a post on Instagram telling other SG models in Vegas they should work with me... little did I know that was going to change my career.
My now SG bestie @marajade was the first to reach out to me after seeing Effy's post and Mara quickly took me under her wing. We shot a set at her home (no longer available here) and she gave me SO many tips and tricks for shooting sets for SG and she also gave me a tour of the site. We have since shot a few more sets AND just submitted her first set in a few years to this site (it will be live next year!) I quickly began to shoot with other models in my area and fell IN LOVE with the community. Not only was I doing what I loved (taking photos) but I was meeting and becoming friends with AMAZING, strong, likeminded folks. I am so thankful to this day for the community of folks here who lift me up and inspire me.
My first SOTD as a photographer was with @bixton (still available to view) and it was SUCH an unreal feeling. Knowing that I was being rewarded for creating beautiful art with my friends!? To know I was doing a good job, I was helping other babes reach their goals- it was thrilling and emotional for me. I dabbled since the start of shooting my first set of Dahl with whether or not I wanted to or had what it took to shoot a set as a model for the site. Within my first year as a photographer on the site I changed my name to "Zen" and filled out the model application... this was in 2015... and I never submitted a set.
I am often referred to as "quirky, outgoing and bubbly" but as we all do at some point, I have struggled with self-image, self-love and self-worth. So, I stayed behind the lens and continued to create sets as a photographer. From there I became a "trusted photographer" for the site and began working with babes from ALL OVER THE WORLD (WHAT!?) I slowly continued to have more SOTD, one of the most exciting and emotional with my incredible friend @nebula that was not only SOTD but officially turned her Pink! To this day I can remember exactly where I was when I got the email and called her on the phone and we cried together. Moments like these, I will never forget. Helping someone achieve their goals and validating in them their beauty and worth, is my #1 absolute favorite thing about being a part of this community. Though I have seen success here and throughout my career the last 10 years, there is NOTHING more valuable to me then showing others how truly beautiful they are.
It took me 4 years to become a Staff Photographer, but in March of 2019 I got the email and was so overjoyed to join the staff here at SuicideGirls. Since 2015 I have shot 300+ sets for the site, travelled to handfuls of cities to meet/shoot with other models and photographers and I have grown to love this community like my own family. I have made some of the BEST friends I could EVER ask for. I have felt support, love, inspiration, success and fulfillment from my time here on SuicideGirls.
(TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS PARAGRAPH: sexual assault) Throughout the 5 years I've been a photographer I've constantly been asked, by models and members alike, "When are you going to shoot a hopeful set of yourself?". And for YEARS my answer was always a laugh and an "ah, I dunno!" Looking back I have always been IN FRONT of the camera. As a teenager in middle school and highschool I found my love for photography which quickly grew into my form of self expression. I took self portraits daily to express myself, my emotions and to release my feelings into a still image. As a young girl I was sexually assaulted and though I always thought I came out of that situation "stronger" I have learned in the last few years that a lot of the trauma from that experience I was still holding in forms of anxiety, self-doubt and negative views of my sexuality. In 2019 I did a lot of self evaluation and began to explore my sexuality a little bit more and had these realizations of the negative views I had placed on myself, some being: It's NOT okay to be sexy, it's NOT okay to be desired, it's NOT okay to seek pleasure. While doing this exploring I also took some time to look through my old self portraits (many which I didn't share with more than a handful of people) only to realize that I had been posing "nude" or "implied nude" for years for my own work and my own self expression. So, at the end of 2019 I decided to make an OnlyFans where I slowly allowed myself to explore myself and my boundaries around these topics. So many people have their own idea of "sex work" and "nude modeling" and the "WHYS" behind why people do it, many, not realizing the release, freedom and self-love that CAN come from such work. I didn't make an OnlyFans thinking that it was going to be my way to process my trauma, but it has been one of the biggest tools for me. Really allowing me to express myself but also allowing me to accept who I am, desires and all, without judgement. Having this massive release over the last year has finalllllllly brought out the courage and readiness in me to shoot my debut set for SuicideGirls...
This community means SO MUCH to me. I would not be where I am today without this platform, these people, this support and this love. I have made so many incredible connections here and although I didn't get to name you all, if you're reading this, please know that you have helped me get to where I am today, you have helped me grow and evolve. And most importantly you have inspired me to truly love myself- inside and out.
I need to give the biggest shoutout to my amazing friend and photographer @cygnet for literally making my dreams come true with this set we shot. It is everything I could have wanted and more. Thank you for allowing me to be me, raw and weird. Thank you for taking my ideas and helping me create this set. You know how much this means to me and I hope you know how much YOU mean to me.
A big shoutout to @missy for creating this safe space for all of us to be uniquely who we are.
Please remember, you are loved.
Thank you so much, Zen
