These are the lyrics to a throwback that I spent years singing at the top of my lungs, not truly understanding or even imagining the way it would resonate as I got older.
I spent years (and when I say years, I mean a decade) trying to make relationships work when I clearly needed to step away. Something kept pulling me back, and at the time I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be strong enough to stand up for myself. But, I get it now.
It wasn’t that I was incapable or weak, I didn’t know how to choose myself and put myself first. Sadly, that lack of boundaries cost me my independence, my identity and self expression.
Needless to say, this is why I stepped away from Suicide Girls for over 5 years. I prioritized somebody else’s comfort over my own and sacrificed my identity to please others. And I’m NEVER doing that again.
So what’s next?
Well, I’m baaaaaaaack! I’m arranging to shoot a comeback set and I’m just SO excited. Not going to lie though, I’m a little nervous that I will feel awkward in front of the camera. But it’s all good! I’m just happy to gain this part of my identity back. I’m brainstorming set titles, thinking about what I want to wear for it, the location, everything! I’m hoping this will happen sooner than later and I promise to keep y'all posted!
A few life updates:
1. I went back to school and graduated with a BA in History and Chicane/Central Am Studies in 2022. I’m now a second year PhD student in History and despite the stress that comes with that, I’m fulfilled and passionate about my research. I’m researching the history of sexual violence during 18th century Mexico. It’s a difficult topic but it needs to be discussed! I’ve had the opportunity to go to conferences and travel to Mexico to access their archives. I’ve met some amazing new friends and colleagues through these adventures!
(I don’t have many photos from the time I’ve spent PhDing, but here’s a cute little grad photo from my undergrad!)
2. Unfortunately, my Poe baby passed away in 2021. It was truly the saddest night of my life and I still mourn him almost daily. He was my soul dog.
(This is one of the last photos I took of him.)
3. Recently, I got a new pup and named him Duvalín (named after a Mexican candy). He’s just as sassy as I am and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love him and he’s gotten me through so much within the 3 months that I’ve had him.
4. I’m traveling more! I’ve visited Mexico, Canada and El Salvador and am now planning a trip to Colombia! I’m also hoping to visit parts of Europe over the summer.
Ok so, as of now this is all I have for y’all and will post updates as frequently as possible. I’m happy to be back and I’m ready to rebuild the community I previously had through Suicide Girls. Most importantly, I’m grateful that I finally decided to choose me!
💕 Con mucho amor,
Zelena
@penny @missy
