zef

Last night, I started writing again. I suddenly saw this pattern of self-doubt emerge that's has kept me from completing anything for quite some time. I think it's why I've been writing half-assed poetry. It's easy to finish and if no one understands what I am saying, hell it's poetry. Anyway, the pattern, I've been holding onto ideas that I haven't finished as if I don't follow thru with them I'll never have another idea. If all I do is hold onto these outdated ideas, I'll never move on to something more relivent to who I am now. I belabor the whole process of writing these stories that have grown to monsterous complexities in my head. I avoid writing or give up after only a few pages because what comes out isn't what I expected. It's something influenced by the past but not the same idea I carry around in my grandios day dreams.

Writing comes from some place deep in the psyche when done well. It just flows from me. I don't think, I do. The longer I write, the louder this personal critic gets over what I've written all but crippling my ability to continue. A censor is good for somethings, like the editing process, but not during the actual writing. Writing needs to come without question as freely as possible.

So how to silence the critics? Smoking a little used to help, but now the writing gets too abstract for human consumption when I am high.

There's something that I am trying to say that's not coming out. It's going to take some real effort to work through this before it makes any real sense. It's bigger than just writing or drawing/painting/sculpting it's my entire life.

I just woke up...which isn't making it any easier to get this out.

Basically, I have sooooo much fucking self-doubt in my life, my will has become disabled. but I will all of this. It has been my will to doubt myself. Past events have influenced this. I don't know I have some more writing to do before I completely understand any of this. I'll save you the trouble of reading my disconnected thoughts. Life can't continue in this fashion...so I ask myself "what can I do to live my life in harmony with creativity and compassion and all the mundane elements of life?" What resources do I have at my disposal to make life the best that it can be? How can I live a more joyous life? let my psyche deal with those questions for a time.