I just noticed that I haven't been as self consciously apprehensively lately. I don't know if I have failed to really stop to take a closer look or if I've just been caught up in the happenings of art school to notice.
reading some comments by Lambda, I began to see something that I've been ignoring. There's a certain shame and sense of wrongness to who I feel that I am. There is nothing wrong with me, but I live life escaping feeling the uncertainty and coldness that life sometimes presents, that I imagine exists.
I am quite greatful for the friendships that are starting to really blossom here. There is risk in putting yourself out there for people to notice and to judge if that's what they do. The possibility of damage is slight. I can always delete my account (go gray) if things get out of hand. I thank lambda for putting that into perspective for me. I hadn't really considered it about SG and being online in general. Myspac is even safer, really. You can block and corral yourself into your friends-only world.
Tonight I feel like something has opened up, not so much ripped open like being gutted, but more a gradual tear under persistent pressure. I can no longer ignore the reality of my situation.
When I think of what being 35 means, I don't think of me. I need to undo or erase all of these misconceptions of age that have developed over time, maybe just let go. I had no idea what a 35 yr old was going through when I was 12, 16, 26, 30, 34. last week. Life is constanly changing. We are never really anything at all. As soon as we identify something about ourselves, we have already changed. Not just at the cellular level but as a universe as a whole. all energy is shifting and reconfiguring in every moment to become a moment. We can collect and recollect, but we can never really capture this moment.
my cat is looking at me like I've gone too far from a simple explanation; my hands too occupied with typing to pet her.
These profiles, they say things we like. Most of us realize they cannot encompass us in our entirety. A picture can show an abstract slice of who we appear to be, but that paticular combination of atoms and quantum particles no longer exists. What has moved along is a compilation of notions and views and thoughts about what has been seen and what has been expressed, fantasies created, and longings masked behind smilies and blatant or suggestiv comments. The idea in the photographers mind about what worked and didn't work. the models possible realization that they could maybe do better or that nothing could be as incredible as what they've just done or seen in someone else's captured moment. These images are now drenched in ogling and subjective ideals, these profiles slip, expand and wain, depending upon the current application of now.
I don't know that i fit in anywhere, but certainly i fit wherever I am. Its my lack of understand how that I fit in that has me puzzled. Am I fitting in the way that I want to or I am trying to arrange the pieces around me hoping that I might somehow resemble them.
There is no one at my door asking who I am, what am I about. but I am asking myself what I am about. What direction do I want to take. What trajectory have I limited myself to by carrying around a burden of perceived problems, learned since birth. Who I appear to be and what I think of myself have nothing to do with the me that alters and adapts to the calculated now. I stress over preconceived notions that don't exist. I am free. free and trapped inside of an ever shifting cumulation of balancing points all creating an image more engrossing, ugly, beautiful, and awe inspiring than my imagination can ever conceive in the instant it has to experience the beauty before it becomes something even more amazing.
Everything I do prevents me from experiencing that moment. I resist it because I feel that I am not worthy or that I can't possibly compare to what is possible. Well, I am a part of that possibility. I play a role in configuring the current moment. Stopping to look at what I did or didn't do, keeps me from being more than a continues (and in my case expanding blip) of immobility in the spectrum of that nameless amassing experience. dancing, drawing, playing music, laughing, or even just sitting to learn how to perceive it's awesomeness without preconceived notions of just awesome it can be, all put us in that color wand of reality painting. The projector is on and running. What part do I want to play in the movie of _______________.
Sometimes I think it's a bit lonely seeing things this way. I imagine that not many others have a similar perception. I isolate myself in this line of thinking. I should imagine that everyone sees life so beautifully. Then I am projecting the possibility of such to happen. Instead of complaining about all the under educated and ignorant mindless drones, which means those are all the kinds of people that I see. I should project positive greatness upon the imaginative screen of the worldview. Bush really does believe he's doing his best. Perhaps he'll soon see what others see as being what's best and adapt his view to a broader perspective, and this will keep happening until america is enacts the diplomacy and peacefulness, being the leader of the freeworld that it imagines itself to be.
Congratulations. it's wonderful that you could be here. I am glad that you are you.
reading some comments by Lambda, I began to see something that I've been ignoring. There's a certain shame and sense of wrongness to who I feel that I am. There is nothing wrong with me, but I live life escaping feeling the uncertainty and coldness that life sometimes presents, that I imagine exists.
I am quite greatful for the friendships that are starting to really blossom here. There is risk in putting yourself out there for people to notice and to judge if that's what they do. The possibility of damage is slight. I can always delete my account (go gray) if things get out of hand. I thank lambda for putting that into perspective for me. I hadn't really considered it about SG and being online in general. Myspac is even safer, really. You can block and corral yourself into your friends-only world.
Tonight I feel like something has opened up, not so much ripped open like being gutted, but more a gradual tear under persistent pressure. I can no longer ignore the reality of my situation.
When I think of what being 35 means, I don't think of me. I need to undo or erase all of these misconceptions of age that have developed over time, maybe just let go. I had no idea what a 35 yr old was going through when I was 12, 16, 26, 30, 34. last week. Life is constanly changing. We are never really anything at all. As soon as we identify something about ourselves, we have already changed. Not just at the cellular level but as a universe as a whole. all energy is shifting and reconfiguring in every moment to become a moment. We can collect and recollect, but we can never really capture this moment.
my cat is looking at me like I've gone too far from a simple explanation; my hands too occupied with typing to pet her.
These profiles, they say things we like. Most of us realize they cannot encompass us in our entirety. A picture can show an abstract slice of who we appear to be, but that paticular combination of atoms and quantum particles no longer exists. What has moved along is a compilation of notions and views and thoughts about what has been seen and what has been expressed, fantasies created, and longings masked behind smilies and blatant or suggestiv comments. The idea in the photographers mind about what worked and didn't work. the models possible realization that they could maybe do better or that nothing could be as incredible as what they've just done or seen in someone else's captured moment. These images are now drenched in ogling and subjective ideals, these profiles slip, expand and wain, depending upon the current application of now.
I don't know that i fit in anywhere, but certainly i fit wherever I am. Its my lack of understand how that I fit in that has me puzzled. Am I fitting in the way that I want to or I am trying to arrange the pieces around me hoping that I might somehow resemble them.
There is no one at my door asking who I am, what am I about. but I am asking myself what I am about. What direction do I want to take. What trajectory have I limited myself to by carrying around a burden of perceived problems, learned since birth. Who I appear to be and what I think of myself have nothing to do with the me that alters and adapts to the calculated now. I stress over preconceived notions that don't exist. I am free. free and trapped inside of an ever shifting cumulation of balancing points all creating an image more engrossing, ugly, beautiful, and awe inspiring than my imagination can ever conceive in the instant it has to experience the beauty before it becomes something even more amazing.
Everything I do prevents me from experiencing that moment. I resist it because I feel that I am not worthy or that I can't possibly compare to what is possible. Well, I am a part of that possibility. I play a role in configuring the current moment. Stopping to look at what I did or didn't do, keeps me from being more than a continues (and in my case expanding blip) of immobility in the spectrum of that nameless amassing experience. dancing, drawing, playing music, laughing, or even just sitting to learn how to perceive it's awesomeness without preconceived notions of just awesome it can be, all put us in that color wand of reality painting. The projector is on and running. What part do I want to play in the movie of _______________.
Sometimes I think it's a bit lonely seeing things this way. I imagine that not many others have a similar perception. I isolate myself in this line of thinking. I should imagine that everyone sees life so beautifully. Then I am projecting the possibility of such to happen. Instead of complaining about all the under educated and ignorant mindless drones, which means those are all the kinds of people that I see. I should project positive greatness upon the imaginative screen of the worldview. Bush really does believe he's doing his best. Perhaps he'll soon see what others see as being what's best and adapt his view to a broader perspective, and this will keep happening until america is enacts the diplomacy and peacefulness, being the leader of the freeworld that it imagines itself to be.
Congratulations. it's wonderful that you could be here. I am glad that you are you.
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Hope you're feeling okay after the Valentine's Day vehicle massacre.