zef

I just spent almost four hours on the phone talking to one of my best friends from Ohio. We have these discussions about Yoga, dreams, life, the subconscious, EVERYTHING, and relationships. We totally just get each other. Anyway, I ran something by him that I had written the night before.

Since we are often drawn to the things that we say we don't want such as when someone says "don't think about a giraffe" we are mostly likely to start thinking aboua giraffe. The subconsious focuses on the subject of the negative. That's why dieting doesn't work if it's not a true life changing decision. you aren't doing it to lose weight, you have some other aim and weight loss becomes the by-product (but that's besides the point and possibly arguable). Because of this, it's been suggested that we should say what we want instead of what we don't want. I want to be healthy. the subconcious focuses on obtaining good healthy creating subconscious actions for the conscious thought. (there's a whole parallel here about synchronicity andstuff, but that's not where I am going with this, not directly anywa). But all this positive thinking stuff is so often overridden by negative thoughts, so it occurs to me, what I am effectively saying when I say, I don't want to be depressed anymore, which puts my focus on depressive things, is that I don't want to be happy. I mean that's not what I want, but it's what I am achieving by thinking like that. So I thought, why not just say that: I don't want to be happy. Why should I be happy? What good in the fucking world is happiness going to do for me? I just don't want to be happy. And so I wake up in the morning and damn if I am not doing things that are making me happy. I am cleaning my apartment. I am packing Jen's shit up and putting it away. It seems like it's fucking working. My subconscious is answering those questions, it's focused on the things that make me happy, the very thing I am saying that I don't want. At frist I am thinking that I am a genius in my own mind. But then I recall the Taoist law of Coercion which states that any and all efforts to manipulate (coerce) will result in a negative outcome. Am I safe here? Is my negative outcome happiness? Will I achieve happiness, but not accept it as happiness? I am thinking that I am thinking too much, so fuck it I don't want to find someone whom I love and loves me just the same. I don't want someone that is caring and beautiful through and through, creative, sexy, and witty. I don't want to happy. Why would I possible want such a women in my life?

Don't be safe. Don't write everyday. don't draw to make myself happy. Don't do anything that will result in happiness. Can you hear me great listener, I am talking to you. Don't you dare make me happy.

Is this what they mean in the bible by thou shalt not tempt the lord?