i think I'm done. No more dating, no more sex, no more flirting, no more contact with girls, period. I have spent every day since Shanda Baker kissed me in the third grade, trying to find my Juliet, a girl that makes me want to be something, a girl who I miss three seconds after she leaves, a girl who has as hard a time as I do fighting the urge to call, during work and movies and school and life, a girl to wake up to. From first to the present it's been Shanda Baker, Jessica Savage, Tanya Frizel, Amanda Wiseman, Rhianna Reynolds, Kristin Shane, Johnna Harris, Alison Brady, Ashley Marks, Lisa Racunas, Jennifer Powell. I have only had feelings for these girls in my life ( pretty serious feelings for a couple of the later ones), and I was not, am not, and probably never will be good enough for a single one of them. I've had a couple other girlfriends and some one night stand, friends that fuck kinda relationships but nothing that the other person or I ever pretended was a real relationship.
This is how I "work". If I think someones attractive, and that I might possibly have a chance I get very shy and forget how to talk, If i feel they are out of my class however I don't feel worried about failing I just kind of assume its inevitable and flirt away just because i do know how to flirt to make a girl laugh (even if I don't know how to flirt for real). If I could only do this always the law of averages would have to kick in eventually but nope, I clam up every time.
The last person I asked out was Jennifer (see above list) and I got the same answer I always get, not just no but the polite girls hell no "I like you as a friend" (no offense Jennifer, I understand). To tell the truth I knew she was going to say no a long time before I asked, but it was one of those lottery kinda things (you know you're never gonna win but you still have to buy a ticket). Anybody reading this trust me, she is gorgeous and I was an idiot for even trying. Even if she had said yes, I could have never given her the kinda treatment she deserves (and I am not just saying that cause I like her, shes really a great, sweet girl).
As of late however I have come to realize that my chances of finding a punk rock Ophelia to match my tattooed Dane existance, and my life revolves around that hunten endeavor. The lack of positive results from this quest has pushed my self esteem off of its already low pedistal, and as weak and pathetic as it makes me I have several times put myself into a bad state of mind and have come close to taking the cowards way out. Seems pretty pathetic to get into that state of mind over something as trivial as sex, but trust me if I gave a shit about sex, I could find that, but I'm looking for the other side of a relationship, and love (or the lack there of) is what puts most people in that state of mind.
How fucking pathetic am I, how fucking pathetic is it that I find more comfort in some internet site (no offense to the site or the people of it).
Anyway, I quit. I will still feel lustful and think women are beautiful and be a gentleman, and I will probably still be blown away by my beautiful friend, but I cannot take the heartache any more. The Dali Lama says that only when we embrace our suffering and focus to prevent other from suffering will we grow beyond it, well, that hasn't worked for me. so I quit...
I quit...
This is how I "work". If I think someones attractive, and that I might possibly have a chance I get very shy and forget how to talk, If i feel they are out of my class however I don't feel worried about failing I just kind of assume its inevitable and flirt away just because i do know how to flirt to make a girl laugh (even if I don't know how to flirt for real). If I could only do this always the law of averages would have to kick in eventually but nope, I clam up every time.
The last person I asked out was Jennifer (see above list) and I got the same answer I always get, not just no but the polite girls hell no "I like you as a friend" (no offense Jennifer, I understand). To tell the truth I knew she was going to say no a long time before I asked, but it was one of those lottery kinda things (you know you're never gonna win but you still have to buy a ticket). Anybody reading this trust me, she is gorgeous and I was an idiot for even trying. Even if she had said yes, I could have never given her the kinda treatment she deserves (and I am not just saying that cause I like her, shes really a great, sweet girl).
As of late however I have come to realize that my chances of finding a punk rock Ophelia to match my tattooed Dane existance, and my life revolves around that hunten endeavor. The lack of positive results from this quest has pushed my self esteem off of its already low pedistal, and as weak and pathetic as it makes me I have several times put myself into a bad state of mind and have come close to taking the cowards way out. Seems pretty pathetic to get into that state of mind over something as trivial as sex, but trust me if I gave a shit about sex, I could find that, but I'm looking for the other side of a relationship, and love (or the lack there of) is what puts most people in that state of mind.
How fucking pathetic am I, how fucking pathetic is it that I find more comfort in some internet site (no offense to the site or the people of it).
Anyway, I quit. I will still feel lustful and think women are beautiful and be a gentleman, and I will probably still be blown away by my beautiful friend, but I cannot take the heartache any more. The Dali Lama says that only when we embrace our suffering and focus to prevent other from suffering will we grow beyond it, well, that hasn't worked for me. so I quit...
I quit...
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
hel:
best pic on the site, i don't know about that but thank you, its sweet.... although i'm not sure exactly wich pic your talking about....
babybeezer:
Don't quit--just take a break. I've had lots of disappointments with love. In fact, I've just had one that's pretty much shook my ideals of love to the core. But when things like this happen, I find I just have to retreat from dating for a while. Sometimes a long while. Before my most recent ex, I was in a long single stretch. I had one date in the course of about 18 months. And it was exactly what I needed. Don't be afraid to be alone. You need to learn to love yourself, to believe that you're worthy of love before you can accept it. When you are truly ready, love will find you. People can sense when you've achieved peace and love within yourself and they gravitate toward it. I wish you the best of luck, for I truly understand what you're feeling...*hug*