zechariah

Ok, I've decided to turn over a new leaf. For a large part of my life I have done nothing but fear rejection, and allow girls I did care about and did gain some type of relationship or friendship with, use me. I have put girls on such a high pedistal that I felt unable to even stand as an equal beside them. I also did what I always promised myself I would never do. I objectified women, for which I am very sorry. Please don't misunderstand me, I think there is nothing more attractive than how a woman speaks, and thinks, and sets her convictions (believe me I have learned that women stand by their beliefs, but thats about all I've learned). But I found myself, however setting aside how a girl treated me, or others, or even herself, as long as she fullfilled one of my attractors, either physical or mental, and when I realized it it made me sick to my stomach. Maybe, though, I should tell a little back story. For the past three years, I have been blindly in love with a friend of mine (see my pics). We met through a mutual friend, and within minutes I began to like her, she liked the music I liked, the movies, etcetera, and to top it off I was amazed at the fact that a girl as beautiful as she was talking to me, even asking me out. If you don't know me, you should probably know I am very self depreciating. I am a simple guy and have simple attraction points and when she laughed at a joke of mine, her laugh made me "fall in love". The next three year entailed a very strange friendship, a very emotionally abusive friendship. One that I ranted about in my last entry. Because of this girl and how I have allowed her to treat me, I haven't had a single relationship in three years, and the few dates I have had, have been completely disfunctional.
My view of women is off, aside from my relatinship with her, because I was always taught that being a good person meant being a gentleman, which meant always presenting to a woman if you thought she was beautiful, you should tell her. I still believe women deserve to hear this, especially some of the members/staff of this site, but I now realize to an extent I never did before, that the reason the women on this site and in my life deserve to hear they're beautiful, is because they're bmjust as beautiful on the inside as they are outside. If you want an example of what i am talking about, please take a look at my friends/favorites list. One person in particular made this very evident and I would like to thank her for it, so thank you for the conversation last night Elisabeth. You are truly beautiful inside and out. I am starting to realize things more and more. For one I have realized that as long as I treat women like they are better than me, I will never be worth a damn. I learned that I am a human who is as worthy of love as anyone. I learned that maybe instead of going out trying to meet girls and get to know them, I should figure out who the hell I am. I hate getting compliments, because i always feel that its simply someone lying, trying to make me feel better about myself, but with the barrage of amazing people who have complimented me on this site (people who I would have never imagined would even talk to me) I can't help but to start believing it a little.
Ok so here goes, this will be the first time I have ever tried to talk about what makes me a good person, so please forgive me. I have always believed in very simple rules to live by and I stand by them. You never hit a woman, you don't say things you dont mean, you don't cheat, you dont take from people you care about, thats basically it. I know this is going to sound conceited but, I am a damn good guy. I care for people, I love to make people laugh, i will help a complete stranger if they need it, I amgentle and open with my feelings, i am very smart, I am a monster in the sack and a damn good kisser , and you'll be hard up to find a guy who is more honest or generous. Plus Im not an alcoholic or ragaholic. Now as for looks, I look like my dad, and he was handsome, but for some strange reason i have never felt the same was true for me. I take descent care of myself (although i am getting a little chubby, but nothing I cant fix) I have tattoos and a lip ring, and do keep myself pretty well groomed. My main problem with myself comes from other people using me to feel better about themselves, calling me ugly and such. Now do I think I am hideous, no, but I would never consider myself more than average. I have been told I have a nice smile, and I have had several people tell me I have nice eyes (baby blue and silver if you were wondering). So If that makes me attractive then, maybe I am a little. I have some things in my personal life that i need to get organized, before i'll be in the right place to be considered "boyfriend material", I need a descent job (and to possibly go to art school) and to find a place Im comfortable, whether it be here or Florida or California, or someplace I havent even thought of. I need to deal with some personal family emotions toward my dads death and my moms financial trouble. I also have to deal with my relationship with the afore mentioned girl. And I still need alot of work on my self esteem, some of which I am getting and have already gotten from Elisabeth and Butterfly as well as others.

Man this has been a very long post, when I really could just basically sum things up in a single sentence.

I am not quite yet, but I am starting to be ok.

ok I'll shut up now.
Zechariah