zarphin

I did it to myself, and so I'll deal with it I suppose. I made a mistake, and I screwed up. Normally I have very good control over myself and my emotions, for various reasons in the last couple years, since my daughter was born, and then especially since my divorce, the death of my nearest and dearest, and all that has gone on since, I've seemingly lost all of that control I used to have. My childhood taught me to be emotionless, and it was a useful tool in day to day life as an adult. Not having that armor, and control anymore has caused me to act in ways I wouldn't normally act, and I feel like a total fucking moron for it. In my whole life I've lost one friend, and he really had to go, without a doubt. Other than that the only people I lose from my life are through death, and so now when I feel as though I have lost another friend, it feels an awful lot like that. I simply needed time to collect myself and my thoughts, I know now looking back on it, I went about it the wrong way, and in doing so screwed it all up rather badly. For some friends may come and go, for me they do not, once I tell you you are one of my true friends, its forever to me. My oldest friend I've known and been best friends with for 21 years, aside from this newest person who I think I may have now lost, the next closest of those true friends I've know now for 5 years. Its not a huge group, but I'm here for all of them, any time of day, for damn near anything. I give of myself too much, and I know this, and most of them know it as well. Occasionally I screw things up, but I rarely do so on this scale. I am so very sorry. This is on here, and being said here, because this is the only place I can really open up, or it was, and I am refusing to join some blog site just to type out my feelings and thoughts. I also refuse to explain this to other people who have no clue whats going on, and be given opinions based off half of what went on. This will probably be my last blog on here for a while. I seem to have lost my way a bit, and SG is always a part of my world, but I'm thinking I need to go find my way again, and its higly possible skipping the internet for a while would be a good way to do that. I spend most of my life on line, so it will be tough, but I think it has thoroughly screwed up my interpersonal skills. Those are the most important skills I have. without my friends I am nothing, they are more than my family to me, and have as a collection seen me through some very hard times in my life. I hate thinking I lost one.