OK, seriously life, FUCK YOU! 
This is one of those rare days where I really wish I hadn't learned to be level headed, where I wish I was someone who flew into crazy rages, and screamed at people. Just to get some of this stress, and anger out. I don't do that though. I used to have outlets for it, and now I don't, so its all just sitting there. I feel sick.
Last night I got my bill from my insurance company for my first kidney stone surgery, and the ER visit that lead to it. only $4500 after the insurance, so what the fuck is the point of having the insurance. what bullshit. I have no money, I'm already very behind, because this is not what I had planned on for my life. The lovely, and amazing ms. Kirin who is very good with finances, tried to help me out, and after a valiant effort at finding me help, that too has fallen in. I'm left with filing for bankruptcy, which I did not want to do, but knew would probably be inevitable. So now, I have to find a lawyer, again, then have money to pay them, again, then put my already shitty credit, further in the shitter, and resign myself to living at home for eternity. I feel like the biggest goddamn loser right now and it sucks. I know everyone goes through it, but really, I'm not sure how much more shit I can take this year. I have big shoulders, I can handle a lot, more than anyone ought to be able to, but eventually I break, and I know that point,I fear that point, and I think I'm close. I need something, anything to go right. In a week and a half I'll be in chicago, thankfully, so hopefully I can bleed off some steam there. fingers crossed.
Life also has decided to present me with several girls who I find to be awesome, yet they are all of course, unavailable to me. Ex girlfriend that i contacted, just because we're kinda in similar places, and its been over ten years since we dated, has some new guy, and new rules about hanging out with old friends. which is fine, wasn't looking for a relationship there, just another person to talk to. I have found a great great friend in Kirin as I mentioned she tried to help me out, in her area of expertise. However She has her new boy, and her own issues, and while shes been awesome, she can't be what I need. good friends are amazing, and wonderful, new ones even moreso, but I miss the friends I used to have here. My best friend is coming to visit in a month, and thats going to be great. we were inseparable for years, and knew each other incredibly well, without ever having any emotional drama, or sexual drama. we're so close we're beyond brother and sister, and we want nothing to do with each other. I really hope she can get a job closer than 3,000 miles away sometime soon. OK so thats three good thing happening right. I can get through this. Its just very tough today. and will be for a while. I need to contact a few of these bill collectors, the FOC people, and the hospital, tell them I'm sorry, but I'm just totally fucked. too bad for you. LOL, that should go over well. ah well, who needs to eat.
--Z
This is one of those rare days where I really wish I hadn't learned to be level headed, where I wish I was someone who flew into crazy rages, and screamed at people. Just to get some of this stress, and anger out. I don't do that though. I used to have outlets for it, and now I don't, so its all just sitting there. I feel sick.
Last night I got my bill from my insurance company for my first kidney stone surgery, and the ER visit that lead to it. only $4500 after the insurance, so what the fuck is the point of having the insurance. what bullshit. I have no money, I'm already very behind, because this is not what I had planned on for my life. The lovely, and amazing ms. Kirin who is very good with finances, tried to help me out, and after a valiant effort at finding me help, that too has fallen in. I'm left with filing for bankruptcy, which I did not want to do, but knew would probably be inevitable. So now, I have to find a lawyer, again, then have money to pay them, again, then put my already shitty credit, further in the shitter, and resign myself to living at home for eternity. I feel like the biggest goddamn loser right now and it sucks. I know everyone goes through it, but really, I'm not sure how much more shit I can take this year. I have big shoulders, I can handle a lot, more than anyone ought to be able to, but eventually I break, and I know that point,I fear that point, and I think I'm close. I need something, anything to go right. In a week and a half I'll be in chicago, thankfully, so hopefully I can bleed off some steam there. fingers crossed.
Life also has decided to present me with several girls who I find to be awesome, yet they are all of course, unavailable to me. Ex girlfriend that i contacted, just because we're kinda in similar places, and its been over ten years since we dated, has some new guy, and new rules about hanging out with old friends. which is fine, wasn't looking for a relationship there, just another person to talk to. I have found a great great friend in Kirin as I mentioned she tried to help me out, in her area of expertise. However She has her new boy, and her own issues, and while shes been awesome, she can't be what I need. good friends are amazing, and wonderful, new ones even moreso, but I miss the friends I used to have here. My best friend is coming to visit in a month, and thats going to be great. we were inseparable for years, and knew each other incredibly well, without ever having any emotional drama, or sexual drama. we're so close we're beyond brother and sister, and we want nothing to do with each other. I really hope she can get a job closer than 3,000 miles away sometime soon. OK so thats three good thing happening right. I can get through this. Its just very tough today. and will be for a while. I need to contact a few of these bill collectors, the FOC people, and the hospital, tell them I'm sorry, but I'm just totally fucked. too bad for you. LOL, that should go over well. ah well, who needs to eat.
--Z
nessy:
What were your 'outlets' before? I'm sorry you're going through this. My parents filed for bankruptcy recently too. *hugs* Stay strong, my friend. Enjoy the time you get to spend with your friend that's visiting you 
See there's always positive things to think about
See there's always positive things to think about 
kirin:
I'll ask my boss if he can recommend a good BK attorney. He's in collections for god's sake so he should know someone reputable. I'm always here to help any way I can. Your thank you gift came in the mail today so you'll be getting it when you do yet more work on my car this weekend. Maybe I can even try to help you hang your punching bag so you can beat out some of your frustrations. If one of my bosses says BK is a good option he's not bullshitting. You can start the repair process then. Again, I'm here to help any way I can. You've been an awesome friend.
I'll ask my boss if he can recommend a good BK attorney. He's in collections for god's sake so he should know someone reputable. I'm always here to help any way I can. Your thank you gift came in the mail today so you'll be getting it when you do yet more work on my car this weekend. Maybe I can even try to help you hang your punching bag so you can beat out some of your frustrations. If one of my bosses says BK is a good option he's not bullshitting. You can start the repair process then. Again, I'm here to help any way I can. You've been an awesome friend.