Gah, So very many thoughts running amok in my head. This could be quite long, which as an added bonus means very few will read it. 
First things first though. Welcome to SG finally, mr Jimn35. I'll only say, after you get over the beautiful girls, and the sets, theres a whole lot of other content on here that you can't just find anywhere else. Also, if you bother reading back through my blogs, don't be too surprised, I don't know what you know, but this is where I vent, and where I've always felt I can say whatever, because none of my RW friends were on here, Now you are, but I don't plan on stopping. Judge me however you would like, my assumption is everyone knows all the crap by now anyways.
Now then. where to begin. What a couple weeks it has been. Had my surgery monday, it was kind of a flop, not necessary, in the end, but now at least I know I don't have any kidney stones. Still kinda feels like I do, but they stuck a scope up there, and say I don't, so they win.
I have so much going on emotionally, its a really charged time. Do other guys do this? I have this ideal image in my mind of the girl I would most like to date. A certain look, a certain style, a certain height, certain hair, all that. now I've had this image for years and years, I've only ever dated one girl who was even close to the mark. My ex-wife wasn't there, still hot, but not that ideal, no problem. Same with my soulmate Loved her, thought she was the most beautiful creature ever, but not that ideal style, poise, and all that. When those girls come into my life generally I'm shy, I'm sure they aren't interested in me, and it brushes by. now suddenly, I've become entangled in a screwed up situation involving one of those girls, far more ideal than the image in my head even, but still its a situation. Theres so much going on there, and it sucks to have that dangled in front of me, so temptingly, yet I'm not going to get to try it out. I'm pretty sure of that now, which I suppose it fine. If I could I would simply apologize to the girl, and say sorry I got involved in this drama you had going on. I shouldn't have said the things I've said, and I just hope we can continue being friends, and I hope you find the happiness you've been looking for for years.
Now the other side of that story is, the girl I dated who fit that bill, who was close to that ideal before. well she screwed me royally before my ex and i got together even. thats what ten years ago at least. She had so many home issues, so much going on, when her mom threw her out, I let her stay with me, i slept on the floor while she slept in my bed, because I respected her, and thought she just didn't want to go there. We never slept together, but nowadays I think she knew that would only make my attachment to her greater. I helped her, did everything I could for her, I thought we were dating, we went on trips, spent a ton of time together, did everything but fuck, then one day she had me take her to meet her new boyfriend. I about lost it. and honestly I'm not sure after all these years if I'm over that. That sucked, it fucked me up pretty bad, and it took me more than a year to recover to the point of even being able to hang out with a girl without just feeling hatred for her. well, as this is all going on with this local girl who fits my ideal to a T, this ex is coming back into town. She's got her long term boy with her, and nothings going to happen, but I'm not even sure I want to see her, or hang out with her. Its been so long, I'm afraid I'll either just lose it again, or else I'll find out I still have some stupid feelings for this girl. I just don't know, especially with the other crap going on. My emotions are all ajumble, and I don't really need more issues. bleh.
My world, My issues, what fun. I have a bit of hope, I know I want a relationship at this point. Its where I'm at, what I feel i need to continue my recovery. It will be slow going certainly, but thats where I'm at. So lonely, so tired of being lonely. I know she would have wanted me to move on, no doubt of that. How long do I wait to see if this girl figures her stuff out. She herself has a time limit, can I put my feelings aside for now and recover them later, or will they simply fade away and then she would want me. LOL, that would be my luck. Time keeps rolling on, my brain does strange things all on its own. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, but hey SG, thanks for listening.
--Z
First things first though. Welcome to SG finally, mr Jimn35. I'll only say, after you get over the beautiful girls, and the sets, theres a whole lot of other content on here that you can't just find anywhere else. Also, if you bother reading back through my blogs, don't be too surprised, I don't know what you know, but this is where I vent, and where I've always felt I can say whatever, because none of my RW friends were on here, Now you are, but I don't plan on stopping. Judge me however you would like, my assumption is everyone knows all the crap by now anyways.
Now then. where to begin. What a couple weeks it has been. Had my surgery monday, it was kind of a flop, not necessary, in the end, but now at least I know I don't have any kidney stones. Still kinda feels like I do, but they stuck a scope up there, and say I don't, so they win.
I have so much going on emotionally, its a really charged time. Do other guys do this? I have this ideal image in my mind of the girl I would most like to date. A certain look, a certain style, a certain height, certain hair, all that. now I've had this image for years and years, I've only ever dated one girl who was even close to the mark. My ex-wife wasn't there, still hot, but not that ideal, no problem. Same with my soulmate Loved her, thought she was the most beautiful creature ever, but not that ideal style, poise, and all that. When those girls come into my life generally I'm shy, I'm sure they aren't interested in me, and it brushes by. now suddenly, I've become entangled in a screwed up situation involving one of those girls, far more ideal than the image in my head even, but still its a situation. Theres so much going on there, and it sucks to have that dangled in front of me, so temptingly, yet I'm not going to get to try it out. I'm pretty sure of that now, which I suppose it fine. If I could I would simply apologize to the girl, and say sorry I got involved in this drama you had going on. I shouldn't have said the things I've said, and I just hope we can continue being friends, and I hope you find the happiness you've been looking for for years.
Now the other side of that story is, the girl I dated who fit that bill, who was close to that ideal before. well she screwed me royally before my ex and i got together even. thats what ten years ago at least. She had so many home issues, so much going on, when her mom threw her out, I let her stay with me, i slept on the floor while she slept in my bed, because I respected her, and thought she just didn't want to go there. We never slept together, but nowadays I think she knew that would only make my attachment to her greater. I helped her, did everything I could for her, I thought we were dating, we went on trips, spent a ton of time together, did everything but fuck, then one day she had me take her to meet her new boyfriend. I about lost it. and honestly I'm not sure after all these years if I'm over that. That sucked, it fucked me up pretty bad, and it took me more than a year to recover to the point of even being able to hang out with a girl without just feeling hatred for her. well, as this is all going on with this local girl who fits my ideal to a T, this ex is coming back into town. She's got her long term boy with her, and nothings going to happen, but I'm not even sure I want to see her, or hang out with her. Its been so long, I'm afraid I'll either just lose it again, or else I'll find out I still have some stupid feelings for this girl. I just don't know, especially with the other crap going on. My emotions are all ajumble, and I don't really need more issues. bleh.
My world, My issues, what fun. I have a bit of hope, I know I want a relationship at this point. Its where I'm at, what I feel i need to continue my recovery. It will be slow going certainly, but thats where I'm at. So lonely, so tired of being lonely. I know she would have wanted me to move on, no doubt of that. How long do I wait to see if this girl figures her stuff out. She herself has a time limit, can I put my feelings aside for now and recover them later, or will they simply fade away and then she would want me. LOL, that would be my luck. Time keeps rolling on, my brain does strange things all on its own. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point, but hey SG, thanks for listening.
--Z
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
posh:
Thanks for the comment on Flickr. It's good to hear from a man in a similar situation.
zarphin:
Anytime Posh. I've always been a fan of yours. If you need or want to chat more message me, or I'm finding the groups on SG for us single parents have a good amount of information and ideas. just getting into them myself.