zarphin

I love this site, because I can really just say whatever I need to say. Too many people on facebook who don't understand the situation, or can't know what was going on, I always have to edit myself, and keep myself from saying what I really want to. here I guess its like nobody knows me, though a few actually do, nobody on here is in my inner circle anymore. they all left the site, so I can just let it out. so anyways, life is pretty lonely right now. Not because my pops is away, but because I have nobody close to me really at all. My best friend acts like a recluse, my other best friend has his daughter all the time, and our friendship is strained at best because of our recent past. My best drinking pal is a girl, and shes kinda rude, and judgemental, and difficult to be around. So shes not much fun to hang out with, and I really need to stop hanging out with her so much, for money reasons, and cuz she kinda makes me feel shitty about myself whenever we hang out. Not intentionally on her part, but its what happens.
The relationship I had, the good one, I was always lifted up, always felt great, we were both into each other, and interested in each other in a genuine way. This wasn't my wife, it was someone else, and she and I connected on such an amazing level. Since she passed away its really been a struggle to keep feeling good about myself. without someone around who actually shows interest in you, Its hard to feel you're interesting at all.
I mean I'm not looking for a relationship, but having someone around who flirts with a guy, and laughs with a guy, listens when I talk, and has actual conversations. maybe watches a movie with me, and sits next to me, thats all I want. Thought I might have that, but then she decided it would be better if that didn't happen, and now it seems like shes just avoiding me. and so back to square one. I had so been looking forward to this week in having my friend come hang out with me, and not one of them seems interested at all. don't get me wrong, a couple of these friends have been my friends for twenty plus years, there are years a real closeness and years of being further apart. unfortunately part of the issues in my marriage were her not wanting me around my friends so much, so i put distance there, and now, i'm having trouble closing the gaps back up to where I'd like them to be. I'll get there, but i just wish it were faster.
The first time I dealt with real loss in my life, when my mom passed away, I had this amazing support group to help me through it, my friends, they all were there whenever i needed them. I still have that group of people, but they don't really know how this latest loss effected me. they have their suspicions, but not for sure, and I can't tell them outright, because its between me and another one of them, and he doesn't want it spread around, cuz it paints him in a bad light. Paints me badly too, but he feels everyone will side with me. So I keep my mouth shut for him, because he's never dealt with this kind of thing before, and doesn't need any more troubles. Just wish the other friends I have were a bit closer to me, were a bit more serious. oh well. Thanks SG for letting me bitch and moan. Its a sad day today. 5 months since I stared into her eyes as she took her last breathe. I miss her every moment of every day.

--Z