Contents:
1-My Paintings (AdriaSawaCharlieRavenVoltaireSean)
2-I Read Some Comics
3-Frequently Asked Questions
1-- My Paintings removed and stuck above
2:42 AM
Its cool and damp in Bushwickthe local motorcycle gang--the redundantly and derivatively named Devils Rebels, are roaming, doing nothing.
Through the take-out window of Las Islas Cuchifritas I can see a kid groping his green-eyed moll up against the counter, waiting for beans and maybe rice--behind me a bunch of middle-aged guys are yelling things in english that make no sense to someonemaybe meits hard to tell. The unoccupied ferris wheel looms over the precinct from behind Burger King.
I go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars worth of soda pop and comic books.
A guy has his cell phone on walkie-talkie mode They got Scoops, an they got Cool Ranch, nigga...
Somewhere people are having exciting New York Friday Night Adventures theyll be talking about for years, but Im on the bed with a cherry coke and a sack of new comics.
Or maybe theyre going to see X3. I refuse to go see any X Men movie until someone informs the casting director that Wolverine is not now, nor has he ever been, a Backstreet Boy.
But I digress.
I shall now read and review this months comicsbecause no-one demanded it. I havent actually counted your votes from last week but the sentiment didnt seem too strong in any particular directionso were gonna read comics.
Trust me, itll be fun...
Ok, Batman 653.
Damnsix hundred and fifty three. Thats a lot of goddamn comic books.
Ok, anywayalright so here on page one we have what appears to be Two-Face (or rather, the normal guy who turned into Two-Face) arguing with the evil Two-Face part of himself like the way you argue with somebody right after they broke up with you and they wanna get back together but you dont wanna.
Which is a pretty relevant theme here in Bushwick right now because my roommate just broke up with his girlfriend.
So like maybe there will be some helpful post-relationship tips for Sean here in Batman 653...
(readreadread)
...ok, the main lesson Im learning is (WATCH OUT COMIC FANS! SPOILER AHEAD): the guy drawing Batman right now bites.
The arts not pathetic, I mean, I wouldnt have bought the comic in that casebut really its just lack fucking lustre. The people look like peoplethey just look like boring people.
I skip ahead and see what happens...
Ok, heres a thing that happenstheres an advertisement for some comic-book-based action-figures on page 19 and, while its a relief to note that they remained true to the comics by giving Power Girl a magnificent fucking rack, it does appear that for some reason OMAC; The One Man Army Corps is no longer a punk rocker with a weird eye on his shirt but has been turnedin the course of some comic I apparently never read--into some freaky space cyclops.
So now Im full of rage.
After a quarter-century of loyal service, OMAC deserves better than to become just one more hard-working punk who lost his One Man Army Corps job to one of these fucking space-cyclopses--probably here illegally. Fuck you, DC comics!
These Space Cyclopses need to go back where they fucking came from. In the words of some redneck chick from Yakima I saw on Jim Lehrer today We dont want their language, we dont want their culture, were Americans!
yeah...
But seriously, I really did see some normal looking mom in a cowboy hat and an american-flag blouse who was not at a KKK rally say that on the news today during a segment on border security--I was just amazed that people in this country are still dumb enough to to come out and basically say Im a massive fucking racist on the fucking national fucking news.
Not to mention the quote would imply she forgot what continent Mexico is on.
I mean, what the fuck is this great American culture shes trying to protect? You know what American culture is? Its this fucking pile of comic books where they turned Omac from a punk into a space-cyclops.
...and an empty bottle of cherry coke...
I mean, say what you like about the Mexicans, but youd never catch them turning Zorro into an android shark.
Anyway...
Ok, this issue sucked many things, I feel like if I talk too much about it, it would imply it was fascinatingly bad rather than just butt-ass dull.
Its a bit of a struggle to convey the suck level accuratelyok, here we go--on the last page, after (of course) Two-Face goes back to being Two-Face, they show him standing there wearing a yin-yang belt buckle. I paid three bucks for this. I am an idiot.
Im also deeply disappointed in Two-Face.
Not for going back to being Two-Face, we all knew that was coming, but, just as a lot of SGs obviously take fashion tips from Tank Girl, Ive have always envied Two-Faces snazzy half-checkered jackets and mismatched dress shoes. And some yutz has now decided he needs a fucking yin-yang belt bucklewhy not just have him wear a rhinestone aquamarine inset into a bolo tie? Fuck these people.
Alright, that was all very depressing but I think I can go on...
Super-Girl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #16
...sigh...ok, so far, this issue features the Legion Of Super-Heroes upstairs neighbors complaining about them being too loud. I am not joking. Fuck this. Wheres the fucking Sun-Eater when you need him?
Just because you are reading comic books on a Friday night in New York City doesnt mean you have no self-respect. Im not sure I can keep reading this...
...oh, wait, wait...theres an Unknown Object Streaking Towards Earth. Ive read enough comics to know this is always a good sign.
Oh, fuck--I hope its not just Supergirl, that would be really lame...
...the phenomenons core mass is of humanoid size and shape....
It is really lame.
Fuck.
The plot of this comic: Supergirl shows up.
Fuck that.
The next comic looks more promising, not only is it twice as long, but its called Infinite Crisis #7, which title suggests that maybe it features a plot with, yknow some kind of problematic incident in it rather than just a whole comics worth of Oh, hey, its Some Guy again!
So its page 2 and there is fighting but Im already pissed:
Its one of those great pictures where gazillions of superheroes are fighting gazillions of super-villains all over the city but dig thiswe get full color at the bottom of the page (including, gee thanks, Aquaman), but most of the characters are rendered in a sketchy red haze.
So fucking half-assed. I can just barely make out Giganta fighting Elasti-Girl back there--what kind of bastard thinks its more fun to see Aquaman with a nosebleed than two 100-foot tall women grappling with each other and knocking over buildings? I tell you, this country is going to hell.
The villain in this comic is the unbelievably sucktastic skin-tight-gold-jumpsuit-wearing redhead Alexander Luthorapparently his creators agreed with this assessment because, when last seen in comics, when I was like 8 years old, his power was eliminated upon opening the final door into that unknown limbo, and that door can never be reopened without the complete and utter destruction of all life anywhere.
But apparently this year some brand new jackass comic book writers decided, hey fuck all life everywhere we kinda like Alex Luthor--probably right after driving an SUV over a spotted owl.
And there he is on page 12 telling Power Girl and her 36 double Ds she shouldnt exist. Man, whoevers writing Infinite Crisis needs to get their priorities straight.
Ok, heres how it endedSuperman III (from Composite-Earth) and Superman I (from Earth 2) beat up Superboy II (from Earth 1) on the surface of Mogo, the Green Lantern that is also a planet. Confused? Ive read enough comics to understand what all that means and Im confused.
This comic bites.
I really should get back to work.
--"Barbed Wire Kiss" is OUT NOW, go buy it.
____________________________
*Note to all members of the Adult Film group: Yes, I know I made the same joke about animated Japanese tentacle-monsters stealing jobs from us live-action porn actors. I apologize to you all, perverts.
1-My Paintings (AdriaSawaCharlieRavenVoltaireSean)
2-I Read Some Comics
3-Frequently Asked Questions
1-- My Paintings removed and stuck above
2:42 AM
Its cool and damp in Bushwickthe local motorcycle gang--the redundantly and derivatively named Devils Rebels, are roaming, doing nothing.
Through the take-out window of Las Islas Cuchifritas I can see a kid groping his green-eyed moll up against the counter, waiting for beans and maybe rice--behind me a bunch of middle-aged guys are yelling things in english that make no sense to someonemaybe meits hard to tell. The unoccupied ferris wheel looms over the precinct from behind Burger King.
I go to the corner store and buy 20 dollars worth of soda pop and comic books.
A guy has his cell phone on walkie-talkie mode They got Scoops, an they got Cool Ranch, nigga...
Somewhere people are having exciting New York Friday Night Adventures theyll be talking about for years, but Im on the bed with a cherry coke and a sack of new comics.
Or maybe theyre going to see X3. I refuse to go see any X Men movie until someone informs the casting director that Wolverine is not now, nor has he ever been, a Backstreet Boy.
But I digress.
I shall now read and review this months comicsbecause no-one demanded it. I havent actually counted your votes from last week but the sentiment didnt seem too strong in any particular directionso were gonna read comics.
Trust me, itll be fun...
Ok, Batman 653.
Damnsix hundred and fifty three. Thats a lot of goddamn comic books.
Ok, anywayalright so here on page one we have what appears to be Two-Face (or rather, the normal guy who turned into Two-Face) arguing with the evil Two-Face part of himself like the way you argue with somebody right after they broke up with you and they wanna get back together but you dont wanna.
Which is a pretty relevant theme here in Bushwick right now because my roommate just broke up with his girlfriend.
So like maybe there will be some helpful post-relationship tips for Sean here in Batman 653...
(readreadread)
...ok, the main lesson Im learning is (WATCH OUT COMIC FANS! SPOILER AHEAD): the guy drawing Batman right now bites.
The arts not pathetic, I mean, I wouldnt have bought the comic in that casebut really its just lack fucking lustre. The people look like peoplethey just look like boring people.
I skip ahead and see what happens...
Ok, heres a thing that happenstheres an advertisement for some comic-book-based action-figures on page 19 and, while its a relief to note that they remained true to the comics by giving Power Girl a magnificent fucking rack, it does appear that for some reason OMAC; The One Man Army Corps is no longer a punk rocker with a weird eye on his shirt but has been turnedin the course of some comic I apparently never read--into some freaky space cyclops.
So now Im full of rage.
After a quarter-century of loyal service, OMAC deserves better than to become just one more hard-working punk who lost his One Man Army Corps job to one of these fucking space-cyclopses--probably here illegally. Fuck you, DC comics!
These Space Cyclopses need to go back where they fucking came from. In the words of some redneck chick from Yakima I saw on Jim Lehrer today We dont want their language, we dont want their culture, were Americans!
yeah...
But seriously, I really did see some normal looking mom in a cowboy hat and an american-flag blouse who was not at a KKK rally say that on the news today during a segment on border security--I was just amazed that people in this country are still dumb enough to to come out and basically say Im a massive fucking racist on the fucking national fucking news.
Not to mention the quote would imply she forgot what continent Mexico is on.
I mean, what the fuck is this great American culture shes trying to protect? You know what American culture is? Its this fucking pile of comic books where they turned Omac from a punk into a space-cyclops.
...and an empty bottle of cherry coke...
I mean, say what you like about the Mexicans, but youd never catch them turning Zorro into an android shark.
Anyway...
Ok, this issue sucked many things, I feel like if I talk too much about it, it would imply it was fascinatingly bad rather than just butt-ass dull.
Its a bit of a struggle to convey the suck level accuratelyok, here we go--on the last page, after (of course) Two-Face goes back to being Two-Face, they show him standing there wearing a yin-yang belt buckle. I paid three bucks for this. I am an idiot.
Im also deeply disappointed in Two-Face.
Not for going back to being Two-Face, we all knew that was coming, but, just as a lot of SGs obviously take fashion tips from Tank Girl, Ive have always envied Two-Faces snazzy half-checkered jackets and mismatched dress shoes. And some yutz has now decided he needs a fucking yin-yang belt bucklewhy not just have him wear a rhinestone aquamarine inset into a bolo tie? Fuck these people.
Alright, that was all very depressing but I think I can go on...
Super-Girl and the Legion of Super-Heroes #16
...sigh...ok, so far, this issue features the Legion Of Super-Heroes upstairs neighbors complaining about them being too loud. I am not joking. Fuck this. Wheres the fucking Sun-Eater when you need him?
Just because you are reading comic books on a Friday night in New York City doesnt mean you have no self-respect. Im not sure I can keep reading this...
...oh, wait, wait...theres an Unknown Object Streaking Towards Earth. Ive read enough comics to know this is always a good sign.
Oh, fuck--I hope its not just Supergirl, that would be really lame...
...the phenomenons core mass is of humanoid size and shape....
It is really lame.
Fuck.
The plot of this comic: Supergirl shows up.
Fuck that.
The next comic looks more promising, not only is it twice as long, but its called Infinite Crisis #7, which title suggests that maybe it features a plot with, yknow some kind of problematic incident in it rather than just a whole comics worth of Oh, hey, its Some Guy again!
So its page 2 and there is fighting but Im already pissed:
Its one of those great pictures where gazillions of superheroes are fighting gazillions of super-villains all over the city but dig thiswe get full color at the bottom of the page (including, gee thanks, Aquaman), but most of the characters are rendered in a sketchy red haze.
So fucking half-assed. I can just barely make out Giganta fighting Elasti-Girl back there--what kind of bastard thinks its more fun to see Aquaman with a nosebleed than two 100-foot tall women grappling with each other and knocking over buildings? I tell you, this country is going to hell.
The villain in this comic is the unbelievably sucktastic skin-tight-gold-jumpsuit-wearing redhead Alexander Luthorapparently his creators agreed with this assessment because, when last seen in comics, when I was like 8 years old, his power was eliminated upon opening the final door into that unknown limbo, and that door can never be reopened without the complete and utter destruction of all life anywhere.
But apparently this year some brand new jackass comic book writers decided, hey fuck all life everywhere we kinda like Alex Luthor--probably right after driving an SUV over a spotted owl.
And there he is on page 12 telling Power Girl and her 36 double Ds she shouldnt exist. Man, whoevers writing Infinite Crisis needs to get their priorities straight.
Ok, heres how it endedSuperman III (from Composite-Earth) and Superman I (from Earth 2) beat up Superboy II (from Earth 1) on the surface of Mogo, the Green Lantern that is also a planet. Confused? Ive read enough comics to understand what all that means and Im confused.
This comic bites.
I really should get back to work.
--"Barbed Wire Kiss" is OUT NOW, go buy it.
____________________________
*Note to all members of the Adult Film group: Yes, I know I made the same joke about animated Japanese tentacle-monsters stealing jobs from us live-action porn actors. I apologize to you all, perverts.
VIEW 25 of 28 COMMENTS
notoriouscat:
You've probably already heard this but for some reason when I heard it I thought of you. 
dogslife:
So I'm in Guelph, and if you don't know where Guelph is then let's just say it's one of those places where you get on the highway to go home and you're all screwed up because cities that are supposed to mean "West" are now "East" and "East" is home and you feel for a second some kind of fuzzywarm familiarity with this city that has meant "elsewhere" to you until now. So I'm in Guelph participating in some training session at a big bookstore attached to a mall and we're upstairs in the office and we need a sample ISBN to try something in SAP (which is German software whose acronym has no translatable meaning) and the only thing handy is a big shrink-wrapped pastel pink art book from Phaidon with your name sort of in the corner of a cluster of other names, none of which I recognize and to be perfectly honest, and to blame the 6:30 am start of my workday, it takes me a second to remember why reading "Zak Smith" on something makes me go "hey!"