Now I Am A Porn Star
by Zak Sabbath
A stranger just said my hair was "bitchin'"--I am back in SoCal for
sure. I like Berlin better, but they don't want me to
star in porno movies there...
8 AM, the day of the shoot--
Just me and the Producer and the AP--I'm in the back seat of a
rented van, cruising past endless strip malls and diners and cypress
trees and palm trees and donut shops listening to Sorry Like Hell on
the CD player. Fuck yeah.
The producer, driving, yells at the traffic and the slow clerks and
the people backing out. I yell DON'T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE WE HAVE TO
MAKE PORN????? Slow driver you must move! WE HAVE TO MAKE
PORN!!!!!!!!! Donut guy, out of the way WE HAVE TO MAKE PORN!!!!!
Freeway traffic, screw you all WE HAVE TO MAKE PORN!!!!!
Producer: You ever fuck a Asian girl?
Me: Yeah.
Producer: Well, I just don't want you to be surprised because when
you open her legs...
Me: All I know is whatever you're about to say is gonna be stupid.
Producer: Instead of horizontal it'll be vert--I mean, umm--instead
of vertical it's horizontal, man...
J____
is the asian girl in question. I haven't met her yet--apparently
she's "very excited"about this project. Also apparently, she
doesn't set her fucking alarm clock either because where the fuck is
she?
THE PRODUCER
...Ron Royster hasn't made much porn in LA. He's so antislick it's
amazing. We walked into this talent agency a few days before,
asking some questions. looks totally like a tiny
travel agency circa 1975 except there are pictures of greased-up
tanned naked chicks all over the walls instead of like Tahiti and
The Canary Islands. The southern-drawl-moustache agent guy is on
the phone asking about an ""African-Am...uh....black perfor....""
And Ron just says "The term is Nigga"" nervous laughter from me, the
mousy secretary, the moustachebosses son and the black guy on the
couch and the brand new 1st time black girl looking for an
agent. Then I ask ""Is J___ like, a nice girl?
Cause'I have to fuck her?"" Everyone kind of flinches and looks
around like someone just shot a bullet through the agency window.
As I'm sure you all can imagine, me and Ron walking around together
in Hollywood on our various porno errands are like the kings of
antislick.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
"""'sssup Ron?""
""Uh...dude...I picked up your VD test and, uh...."""
""Fucking quit it""
"No, I'm just kidding dude, you're clean""
""I know, I also just KNEW, I KNEW that when you called to tell me
about my test you would be like 'dude, you've got ass herpes' or
some shit. I KNEW IT"
""Yeah, well, you're good""
""Cool"""
The testing place is called AIM and is located a short drive (which
outside LA translates as "several feet") from
all the agencies. It has no sign outside and as soon as I
walked through the front door I was Through The Looking Glass. I
thought I'd have to shoot a few movies or at least a few scenes
before I felt like a genuine Porn Star but I pretty much felt like
it as soon as I walked through the door at AIM. I looked at the
line--which, aside from the cheesy '80s abstract art, could've been
any doctor's office waiting room line and I realized h my God, the
people in this waiting room aren't a bunch of hipsters trying to
look like porn stars, they ARE porn stars. As soon as you piss in these people's cups, you're a porn star.
THE STANDARD CONTRACT FOR PORN STARS
is fucking hilarious and disturbing. In addition to the expected
stuff about how, yeah, they can use your face and your name on
anything for ever and stick a whole new name on it and fucking
photoshopping you fucking a pekinese if they feel like it, it
includes legal waivers about how "your performance may result in
possibly being subject to mockery, derision and public verbal
degradation".
QUALITY CONTROL MAN MALACHI ECKS
He sounds like something you'd hear on a Tricky album and seems like he's seen
everything that could ever happen on a porno set ever forever, although he did say he never saw anyone actually read the contract before...
Eon_McKai
Showed up on the set and had a bag full of nothing but Red Bull, which is deeply funny to me...The man doesn't sleep
TIM POLECAT
...British rockabilly guy, formerly of The Polecats who were big rockstars in the early 80s. Now he
does art direction for music videos and fetish stuff and is pretty
much a genius. You put me with razor nicks all over my legs on the
hood of a car in a warehouse and Tim sticks some lights and ladders
and some projectors in some places and ten minutes later you look
through the lens and it looks like fucking Suspiria or Natural Born Killers. He's one of
those Hollywood guys who seems to have a story about everybody.
HEINRICH
(...for some reason they can't get any native-born U.S. citizens to
stand within 20 feet of me when I'm having sex, but whatever)
Anyway, yeah, Heinrich from Denmark holds whatever camera Tim
Polecat isn't holding. He's also the drummer for the
suddenly-enormously-successful psychobilly band The Horrorpops. He
doesn't talk much but he did offer to get me and Charlie on the guestlist
when they play NYC.
ON TOP OF A GODDAMN CAR
The car had to be wheeled in by hand. It was
the biggest, heaviest car in the world, but it was nice and yellow
and helping the guys push it around made me a little more
comfortable with them which made me a little less nervous.
VERONICA JETT
She was J___'s replacement and seemed to be best friends with everybody on
the set. Hugs and all that.
THE LOAD
I hadn't had sex in a week. All present remarked on its vastness.
It was all over her ass, it was all over the hood of the car,
Octavio took like 20 pictures of it.
THE SEX
...was very very strange. She was very
nice in a friendly co-worker way "You remind me so much of my next-door neighbor" ""Is your neighbor cute?"" ""Of course!"" in a Oh-come-on-don't-be-down-on-yourself way. It's weird ause we're having fun but it's also difficult work and I know that even if
she weren't having fun she'd be trying real hard to put me at ease
because then we'd finish faster and she's a pro like that.
Which is one more restraining factor'--certain things you don't want
to do to a girl unless she's way into you. Regular sex is like Hey,
suddenly there are no rules! You want to touch that-You Can!!! You
want to bite that GO AHEAD, buddy!! Porno sex is like Well, okay
you're suddenly getting a blowjob, but: you can;t move your head,
you can't move your arm, you have to keep pretending to drive, you
can't kiss her and you have no idea if you're playing with her clit
right or not because no matter what she has to pretend you're doing
a good job, you can;t switch positions if you feel like it and you
can't look left because then you'll see Heinrich which will make
your nonexistent erection even smaller.
BENNY PROFANE
So when it was over I was like, gee, I wasn't hard half the fucking
time, I suck at this. So I grabbed Benny, the director and said
"Man, was that okay?" and he and everybody told me I did waaaaay
better than most first timers and I did everything I was told and I
came like I was supposed to and I got hard and my hair looked good
in the Suspiria-lights and so i guess it's the same rule as every
other job--just achieving basic competence puts you way above
everybody else. Plus there's an editing room.
Benny is so rad (oh my god, i just said "rad" i gotta get back to New York soon...), I'm so glad I'm working with him. He's just some Thomas Pynchon Giant Robot comic book sci fi cartoon network guy who wants to make great porno movies where he puts on an elephant mask
and gets a blowjob like he's Ganesha and I don't know how I'd get
along without him. His earlier movies were very DIY but this is his first movie with a "big" budget for VCA/Hustler and he's just trying to shove every
idea into it and it's full of dialogue and arty shots and weirdness and it's on a miniscule timeline and i really hope it comes out because it'll be great.
You know how like jerking off is kinda like sex but doesn't really
satisfy the same urge, well fucking in a porno movie is like a third
thing altogether. It's nice, it's fucking, but it is in no way
satisfying the way sex is supposed to be satisfying. Afterwards, I
really wanted to fuck. Which is why, afterwards, I went and did
what porn stars are supposed to do--I went to a show and became some band's groupie....
No, I am not going to tell you what band. They can do that if they want to. They are however the bestest and also hottest punkpop bleach blonde band in California. Know that.
We were making out after the show and she was waiting for the van to come so she could load out
and it wasn't coming so she dragged me to the equipment room and we just started fucking in there but of course, i suddenly had to explain why my legs (etc....) were completely shaved so I had to explain how, yeah, i just shot my first porn scene earlier this week...
so then she was all Oh my god, so like, YOU'RE the porn star and I'M the rock star--that's awesome, it's like role reversal!
being a groupie rocks.
Normally I would go on and on about how this girl is way fun I'm being discreet. because, you know, discreet's my middle name...
in the intervening day i went and saw SAWA's band Watch Me Burn--i did not become a Watch Me Burn groupie but I did agree to do their album art 'cause they rule and their bass player saved me from a weird drunk and their guitar player loaded me up with merch and their drummer does insane superspeed stop-start avante-grind stuff that rocked everyone and their singer is Sawa and she says (all cutesy and high-pitched) hi, we're watch me burn! and then makes grindcore noises like she's fucking posessed all of a sudden.
OK, I know, you all want to hear about porn, but listen--I know Sawa is an SG and my pal and all but, seriously, Watch Me Burn is INCREDIBLE--really they are doing a unique thing in grind and Sawa's an amazing frontwoman. See them, dude. They were playing with like a million other bands and nobody moshed to the band BEFORE them and nobody moshed to the band AFTER them but when they came on it was like a fucking whirlwind.
...and then the porno producer took me out to bizarre LA places where like Slash used to get unconscious in the corner and we saw this ENORMOUS man (like, 8 guys put together, seriously) who started in about my hair and before I could stop myself I gave my standard response:
"What the fuck happened to your hair?"
"I fucked your mother"
but apparently this remark was SO east coast that everyone was totally stunned and had nothing to say.
by Zak Sabbath
A stranger just said my hair was "bitchin'"--I am back in SoCal for
sure. I like Berlin better, but they don't want me to
star in porno movies there...
8 AM, the day of the shoot--
Just me and the Producer and the AP--I'm in the back seat of a
rented van, cruising past endless strip malls and diners and cypress
trees and palm trees and donut shops listening to Sorry Like Hell on
the CD player. Fuck yeah.
The producer, driving, yells at the traffic and the slow clerks and
the people backing out. I yell DON'T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE WE HAVE TO
MAKE PORN????? Slow driver you must move! WE HAVE TO MAKE
PORN!!!!!!!!! Donut guy, out of the way WE HAVE TO MAKE PORN!!!!!
Freeway traffic, screw you all WE HAVE TO MAKE PORN!!!!!
Producer: You ever fuck a Asian girl?
Me: Yeah.
Producer: Well, I just don't want you to be surprised because when
you open her legs...
Me: All I know is whatever you're about to say is gonna be stupid.
Producer: Instead of horizontal it'll be vert--I mean, umm--instead
of vertical it's horizontal, man...
J____
is the asian girl in question. I haven't met her yet--apparently
she's "very excited"about this project. Also apparently, she
doesn't set her fucking alarm clock either because where the fuck is
she?
THE PRODUCER
...Ron Royster hasn't made much porn in LA. He's so antislick it's
amazing. We walked into this talent agency a few days before,
asking some questions. looks totally like a tiny
travel agency circa 1975 except there are pictures of greased-up
tanned naked chicks all over the walls instead of like Tahiti and
The Canary Islands. The southern-drawl-moustache agent guy is on
the phone asking about an ""African-Am...uh....black perfor....""
And Ron just says "The term is Nigga"" nervous laughter from me, the
mousy secretary, the moustachebosses son and the black guy on the
couch and the brand new 1st time black girl looking for an
agent. Then I ask ""Is J___ like, a nice girl?
Cause'I have to fuck her?"" Everyone kind of flinches and looks
around like someone just shot a bullet through the agency window.
As I'm sure you all can imagine, me and Ron walking around together
in Hollywood on our various porno errands are like the kings of
antislick.
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
"""'sssup Ron?""
""Uh...dude...I picked up your VD test and, uh...."""
""Fucking quit it""
"No, I'm just kidding dude, you're clean""
""I know, I also just KNEW, I KNEW that when you called to tell me
about my test you would be like 'dude, you've got ass herpes' or
some shit. I KNEW IT"
""Yeah, well, you're good""
""Cool"""
The testing place is called AIM and is located a short drive (which
outside LA translates as "several feet") from
all the agencies. It has no sign outside and as soon as I
walked through the front door I was Through The Looking Glass. I
thought I'd have to shoot a few movies or at least a few scenes
before I felt like a genuine Porn Star but I pretty much felt like
it as soon as I walked through the door at AIM. I looked at the
line--which, aside from the cheesy '80s abstract art, could've been
any doctor's office waiting room line and I realized h my God, the
people in this waiting room aren't a bunch of hipsters trying to
look like porn stars, they ARE porn stars. As soon as you piss in these people's cups, you're a porn star.
THE STANDARD CONTRACT FOR PORN STARS
is fucking hilarious and disturbing. In addition to the expected
stuff about how, yeah, they can use your face and your name on
anything for ever and stick a whole new name on it and fucking
photoshopping you fucking a pekinese if they feel like it, it
includes legal waivers about how "your performance may result in
possibly being subject to mockery, derision and public verbal
degradation".
QUALITY CONTROL MAN MALACHI ECKS
He sounds like something you'd hear on a Tricky album and seems like he's seen
everything that could ever happen on a porno set ever forever, although he did say he never saw anyone actually read the contract before...
Eon_McKai
Showed up on the set and had a bag full of nothing but Red Bull, which is deeply funny to me...The man doesn't sleep
TIM POLECAT
...British rockabilly guy, formerly of The Polecats who were big rockstars in the early 80s. Now he
does art direction for music videos and fetish stuff and is pretty
much a genius. You put me with razor nicks all over my legs on the
hood of a car in a warehouse and Tim sticks some lights and ladders
and some projectors in some places and ten minutes later you look
through the lens and it looks like fucking Suspiria or Natural Born Killers. He's one of
those Hollywood guys who seems to have a story about everybody.
HEINRICH
(...for some reason they can't get any native-born U.S. citizens to
stand within 20 feet of me when I'm having sex, but whatever)
Anyway, yeah, Heinrich from Denmark holds whatever camera Tim
Polecat isn't holding. He's also the drummer for the
suddenly-enormously-successful psychobilly band The Horrorpops. He
doesn't talk much but he did offer to get me and Charlie on the guestlist
when they play NYC.
ON TOP OF A GODDAMN CAR
The car had to be wheeled in by hand. It was
the biggest, heaviest car in the world, but it was nice and yellow
and helping the guys push it around made me a little more
comfortable with them which made me a little less nervous.
VERONICA JETT
She was J___'s replacement and seemed to be best friends with everybody on
the set. Hugs and all that.
THE LOAD
I hadn't had sex in a week. All present remarked on its vastness.
It was all over her ass, it was all over the hood of the car,
Octavio took like 20 pictures of it.
THE SEX
...was very very strange. She was very
nice in a friendly co-worker way "You remind me so much of my next-door neighbor" ""Is your neighbor cute?"" ""Of course!"" in a Oh-come-on-don't-be-down-on-yourself way. It's weird ause we're having fun but it's also difficult work and I know that even if
she weren't having fun she'd be trying real hard to put me at ease
because then we'd finish faster and she's a pro like that.
Which is one more restraining factor'--certain things you don't want
to do to a girl unless she's way into you. Regular sex is like Hey,
suddenly there are no rules! You want to touch that-You Can!!! You
want to bite that GO AHEAD, buddy!! Porno sex is like Well, okay
you're suddenly getting a blowjob, but: you can;t move your head,
you can't move your arm, you have to keep pretending to drive, you
can't kiss her and you have no idea if you're playing with her clit
right or not because no matter what she has to pretend you're doing
a good job, you can;t switch positions if you feel like it and you
can't look left because then you'll see Heinrich which will make
your nonexistent erection even smaller.
BENNY PROFANE
So when it was over I was like, gee, I wasn't hard half the fucking
time, I suck at this. So I grabbed Benny, the director and said
"Man, was that okay?" and he and everybody told me I did waaaaay
better than most first timers and I did everything I was told and I
came like I was supposed to and I got hard and my hair looked good
in the Suspiria-lights and so i guess it's the same rule as every
other job--just achieving basic competence puts you way above
everybody else. Plus there's an editing room.
Benny is so rad (oh my god, i just said "rad" i gotta get back to New York soon...), I'm so glad I'm working with him. He's just some Thomas Pynchon Giant Robot comic book sci fi cartoon network guy who wants to make great porno movies where he puts on an elephant mask
and gets a blowjob like he's Ganesha and I don't know how I'd get
along without him. His earlier movies were very DIY but this is his first movie with a "big" budget for VCA/Hustler and he's just trying to shove every
idea into it and it's full of dialogue and arty shots and weirdness and it's on a miniscule timeline and i really hope it comes out because it'll be great.
You know how like jerking off is kinda like sex but doesn't really
satisfy the same urge, well fucking in a porno movie is like a third
thing altogether. It's nice, it's fucking, but it is in no way
satisfying the way sex is supposed to be satisfying. Afterwards, I
really wanted to fuck. Which is why, afterwards, I went and did
what porn stars are supposed to do--I went to a show and became some band's groupie....
No, I am not going to tell you what band. They can do that if they want to. They are however the bestest and also hottest punkpop bleach blonde band in California. Know that.
We were making out after the show and she was waiting for the van to come so she could load out
and it wasn't coming so she dragged me to the equipment room and we just started fucking in there but of course, i suddenly had to explain why my legs (etc....) were completely shaved so I had to explain how, yeah, i just shot my first porn scene earlier this week...
so then she was all Oh my god, so like, YOU'RE the porn star and I'M the rock star--that's awesome, it's like role reversal!
being a groupie rocks.
Normally I would go on and on about how this girl is way fun I'm being discreet. because, you know, discreet's my middle name...
in the intervening day i went and saw SAWA's band Watch Me Burn--i did not become a Watch Me Burn groupie but I did agree to do their album art 'cause they rule and their bass player saved me from a weird drunk and their guitar player loaded me up with merch and their drummer does insane superspeed stop-start avante-grind stuff that rocked everyone and their singer is Sawa and she says (all cutesy and high-pitched) hi, we're watch me burn! and then makes grindcore noises like she's fucking posessed all of a sudden.
OK, I know, you all want to hear about porn, but listen--I know Sawa is an SG and my pal and all but, seriously, Watch Me Burn is INCREDIBLE--really they are doing a unique thing in grind and Sawa's an amazing frontwoman. See them, dude. They were playing with like a million other bands and nobody moshed to the band BEFORE them and nobody moshed to the band AFTER them but when they came on it was like a fucking whirlwind.
...and then the porno producer took me out to bizarre LA places where like Slash used to get unconscious in the corner and we saw this ENORMOUS man (like, 8 guys put together, seriously) who started in about my hair and before I could stop myself I gave my standard response:
"What the fuck happened to your hair?"
"I fucked your mother"
but apparently this remark was SO east coast that everyone was totally stunned and had nothing to say.
VIEW 25 of 30 COMMENTS
lemonkid:
Money shot uber alles.
albertine:
how was Anal?