I'll spoiler my big whinge for all of you that can't be assed reading it - and I don't blame you!
SPOILERS! (Click to view)I am going crazy. Which kind of sucks.
Not so bad to be crazy you think? Well, i mean actual psychotic. Or manic. I'm not sure what the exact term is - no doctor ever tells me an actual diagnosis, I have to sneak looks at my file. At the moment I apparently have mood affective disorder, acute anxiety disorder and mild OCD. I have NO IDEA why they think I have OCD - I'm messy to a fault and I never remember to lock my doors or turn my oven off. Anyway...
lately I've been having not so much black outs, but times where someone will say "hey, remember yesterday when you said [something crazy]??" and I'll say "no! wtf? I never said that, I didn't even talk to you yesterday" at which point they will cut and paste a huge msn conversation of me talking about imaginary trains, drinking bleach (don't worry, it was about why bleach is BAD to drink), how a plane is going to fall on my head and how I can move things with my mind. Which i have no memory of. There are HUGE holes like this - I've lost hours, some days. God knows what I did or who I spoke to that hasn't come back and gone "hey, you were acting real weird the other day".
I really should be medicated, but I would have to wean the baby off breastmilk and I REALLY don't want to do that - it's stressing me out just thinking about it. Plus the few nights that I have tried to give her bottles and make her sleep in her own bed she has been a little &@%@&((. She's playing the piano at the moment, standing on her tippy toes and it's SO CUTE I kind of forget how irritated I am at 3am when I haven't been to sleep yet...
I'm not scared. I know I don't do anything self harming or dangerous to others when I'm off in cuckoo land and I generally come back after an afternoon or a day. But I'm a little worried about what people are going to think about me..
End whinge...
I think I might try and do a self shot set on my piano next week. The fact that you can see half the piano from the front door (it has glass panels) adds a bit. I haven't gotten naked in front of a camera for SO long! I'm having a bit of an issue with my stomach - I have really toned abs, they are just hidden under than extra skin from having Ava!
I'm really glad I got the piano back from Dad when I moved. I have missed playing it, even though I don't get much time to do it now. This is what it's mostly being used for!
I sat down and worked out the opening to Fur Elise the other day, something I used to play when I was young. Its awesome stress relief.
Oh and my other new hobby - worms! I got sick of taking my vegetables scraps to school for one of the other mums to take home for her chooks, so I just bought worm farm. I'm incredibly excited about the slimy little critters! I'm looking forward to getting 'worm juice' to use on the window sill herbs I'm getting for my bathroom (my kitchen has no windowsill). I have so many plans for this spring - I hope I have the energy to carry them all out. I want the weather to clear a bit so I can get out with my camera, I am practising my hooping a lot with the kids from the neighbourhood (who are SO impressed) and Beth is coming back in like less than 2 months.
Hurray!
Love to you all ~crazyzak
How's it going?!