zagan

Words are failing me today, there is naught that I can pull off from the top of my head at this time. I never really do start out with anything anyway, the words usually just gradually come to me when I set myself to writing. I try to get myself to write at least once a day, for it eases my mind when I get my unheard thoughts off onto the blank page. The ambient music playing on my stereo usually help to draw out the thoughts, but today none are easily grasped. I guess you could say that I am a lover of anything electronic, weather it be the soft drawl of ambience or the harsh clatter of Industrial. I became acquainted with electronica at the age of 16, at the time I was a very angry person in the mist of drug rehab. Of course it was the doom fearing sounds of skinny puppy that brought me around, by my tastes soon broadened to include anything and everything electronic.
Drug Rehab was the point in my life where I truly changed, but then again its hard to stay the same after going through the traumatic meth withdrawals and intense psycho therapy that brings around all addicts. It was in drug rehab when I truly began to find peace within my pain. Pain is a feeling which time and time again brings me around, whether it be physical or mental. I managed to gain great respect for the pain, and developed a blood lust that I am still yet to get over. I have to admit I am a bit of a pain freak, I love the feel of steel cutting through skin and the rush of warm liquid that begins to drip and flow afterwards. Soon after entering drug rehab I switched addictions I traded in my methamphetimine addiction for the rush of adrenalin that only comes with a knife or a razorblade.
Everything progressed to a dangerous point later on in my life when I moved to New Orleans. To make matters short, I ended up back on drugs after a three year sobriety period, and I stopped taking my psycho medications, and drank until I blacked out. This left me emotionally retarded and unable to handle life, the cutting almost killed me. There were burns everywhere, cigarettes that I put out on myself, all over. The people that I surrounded myself with could not take my self mutilation and soon they had all left me. Yet, I couldnt stop, it wasnt until I moved back to California that my mutilation came to a slow down.
Really though, I cannot stand those people who tell me I am some kind of Hack because I have done my own peircings. They think that the only good piercing is one done by a professional. They always threaten that I will get some major infection or do some kind of nerve damage to myself. I honestly dont really give a damn. Sometimes I think that those people that preach that shit are just too damn scared to force a needle through their face. It doesnt bother me to stick a unsanitary needle through my face, I dont care if I get and Infection or nerve damage, I dont think they understand, but I DONT CARE. I have built my whole life about not giving a damn and do quite well for myself that way.
There are many things I do give a damn about, but how I come off to others, and what they think of me has hardly been one of them. I care about societies reaction to people like me overall, but on an individual scale I hardly care. I can handle the contempt and the stares full of disgusted awe. That doesnt bother me, what I truly care about is how I come off to myself, I dont do anything for the pleasure of other people, merely for my own contentment. I dont dress the way I do, act the way I am, or look the way I look for anybody else but me, I could give less than a damn what people think of me. I keep to myself and dont bother the onlookers or little Goth lings that dont know what to make of me.
I see many of the subculture kids that dress in the garb and act out in order to get attention. I dont need attention, weather it be negative or positive. I would be quite contented if they didnt notice me, I would love to merely be the unnoticed fly on the wall, but it hardly happens that way. I dress the way I dress every day of my life, unlike many of the weekend warriors that go to the Goth Clubs, well that is when If I decide to get dressed at all or lounge around in my PJs for the whole day. I dont intend to impress or disgruntle anybody when I go out, merely I go out merely to do whatever I need to do, not to prance around like some sort of freak in order to get a rush off of the attention, like I see so many Sub culture kids do.
Merely I wear whatever I feel like, and my look is built upon my need to be creative, not my need to stand out. I enjoy creating a unique look, but that is merely for my own benefit, not for the coveted glances of the perverse and conformed population, nor for the adoring stares of the Goth lings in training. Honestly I couldnt care less unless I became invisible, and that I would happily do if I knew How. Merely I have a need to be myself, in all capacities that are available to me. I dont do it for attention, I dont do it in order to fit into some sort of sub culture, I have my own way of things and do what I do because I want to do it, not to impress anybody else. Some people dont get that, many in the sub cultural arena do what they do in order to be noticed, in order to stand out, in order to get some attention. I dont and never have, I do what I do merely because It pleases me, and not because I want to please of displease anybody else.
I find those people that will ONLY shop at hot topic ridiculous, Im not saying I have never gotten stuff from there, because that would be a lie, for I check in from time to time to check out their discount rack and Body Jewelry, but by no means does the majority of my wardrobe come from there. Most of the clothes I own come from thrift stores and second hand places. I have just not found any need to spend $40 on a skirt and $20 on a shirt. I find those prices ridiculous, and by no means am I made of money. I think those people who are the Hot Topic Icons are Ridiculous! Not only does most of the other kids in the sub culture circuits own the same clothes, but its just as bad as being the hyperconsumeristic preppy kid that only buys Abercrombie. Only that the Abercrombie logo is substituted for a hot topic one, and being unique in no way means that you must buy clothes from a certain store.
All in all I am my own person, not one made up of crappy sub cultural clauses, nor am dictated by the fashion trends of the want to be trendy Goth stores like hot Topic. My look and my actions are dictated to me by myself and influenced by the music that I listen to. Whether it be synthetic yarn dreads or Shaved purple hair, it always comes from my own imagination or the squalls of the Electronic Chords and highly complex and deep lyrics. Not the wailing guitar and angry screams that have become so popular with the younger crowd. Not that I dont listen to that music sometimes, but neither do I limit myself to it like so many youngsters have tended to do. Like it is uncool to listen to anything else besides that which your friends and your subculture approves of. Its like they dont understand what being yourself is! That truly If you want to walk around singing body counts KKK bitch (a Rap Song), dressed up like a cyborg creature, Its OKAY! Because who I you trying to appease anyway? Your Friends?
It seems that people take themselves WAY to seriously! I make fun of myself and laugh at myself all the time, I have no problem doing that. Ill be the first person to say that I look ridiculous, and that my piercing come in handy when needing a place to hang dry cleaning. I dont give a FUCK! People that take themselves to seriously, especially the subculture kids are truly the most shallow IM HARDCORE people ever. I find great fun Laughing at them in my head, and making jokes to myself about their never ending frowns and their the world is so dark attitude. I think its hilarious that they try ever so hard to look serious and NEVER smile. Im a weird looking one, sometimes classified as Goth, and I can never Stop smiling or laughing when I am having a good time. I dont sit there trying to be some mopey Dumb shit.
Damn it if I cant stand people with fake personalities trying to be something other than what they are. People like that just need to be laughed at and torn down so that they dont take themselves so fucking seriously. I mean WHO REALLY CARES!