zagan

Lost in a sea of dreams, yet I cant remember what they were my mind tries to grasp at the images but as soon as they appear they flit away beyond the horizon of my consciousness. Sated from my long sleep and a tummy full of the delicious beverage called coffee. I have cut down on the sleeping pills, tying to pull myself off the unfruitful road of addictive tendencies. One more thing that I have to keep under strict control in my life built on endless control. This morning the sounds of Delirium hit my ears awakening peace and lethargy inside me. Delirium is Bill Leebs From front line assemblys side project, a much more ambient kind of Electronica, with world beat and haunting voices from exotic places mixed in with such a preciseness that the sound is that of perfection.
My Room is a mess today clothing and books spill over the perimeter of cleanliness. I do love to read, mostly fiction lately, for my mind is unable to take a biography or a philosophy as of yet. Historical Romance has been my choice of reads, yes its my little secret, I do love a good Romance novel, and Inside I definitely am a hopeless Romantic, which probably just makes my life that much harder to endure. It is funny for that is the one thing I cannot eradicate from my many frivolous ways. I try to be very down to earth with what I believe and what I think, but at times my imagination is more than my rational mind can handle.
I always have been and always will be a relentless day dreamer, something else in my life I am unable to control, but I wouldnt have that controlled even if I wanted to because It is something that brings me great peace to this wasteland of reality. I definitely am ruled by the emotional side of my brain, and I have always known that, and no matter what measures I take to change myself, that is one thing I will never be able to change. It is where the majority of my problems come from, and also where my inspiration come from, the emotional side of myself will always be both my good friend and my greatest enemy, my spirit, and my devil in disguise.
I had always wished I was of the Rational mathematical mind state that my younger sister is. But then again she too has many problems in life, not as difficult as mine, but then again no matter what no ones life is fought without hardship and self destruct. I have always been the artistic one, the writer, the dreamer, and It caused me great grief early on in life. In grade school I was unable to pay attention to my teachers words for my head was always in the clouds seeking out much greater adventures than that of scholarly dictation. For that I had many tests, many medications, and the diagnosis of ADHD at the Age of six. They have always tried to correct how I was, even from a young age I could not be who I wanted to be, I truly could not be Me. The Riddilin and the Adderall, and the Dexidrin they all were there to change how I was, my grades never as good as the other kids for I would constantly be thinking, thinking, thinking.. Of much greater much more beautiful things than that which they taught at school. I learned later on to hate myself for that, for being different because they hated me because of that, and I was different. At least later on in life I came to peace with my differences, I embraced them, although I try to keep control over a lot of them, for letting them go can be hazardous to myself and to others, I still embrace much of who I am.
How they wished to change the way I was. My teachers my peers. My parents. I was ever the endless mind wanderer, even though my body was there in the classroom my mind was always a million miles away thinking of a million different adventures, and a million different thoughts. My interests were often times not found in my school work, but somewhere in the horizon beyond the window in the classroom. And I learned to Hate myself for that, because they hated me for that, all the devices all the counseling all the medication, did naught but show me how different I was. How unlike the other daughter they had, how unlike their friends kids, that I was often compared to negatively.
From the age of six to the age of 16 I was on medication for my attention deficit disorder, then abruptly for no answer given to me, I was released from the rapture, the correctness, the concentration I was suddenly given by the pills, the doctor removed them from my life. It was then at that time I found my next savior, my next answer to the normality that they had always wished for me, however it was not normal at all what I did, I just wanted the same effect that the pills had on me, I discovered this when looking back through the fog of my memory some time ago. Meth, Crystal Meth, and although I have quit it, time and time again, it still haunts me from afar, telling me sweet lies about the release it gives me from myself. Of the control and the concentrative powers it fools me into having. I went on a six month binge of it when I was sixteen and to this day no drug has ever had the power to lure me as that drug did and still tries to do. However in the end it did one thing that has helped me from then until now, it showed me that It was okay to be different, while I was in rehab I snapped, did a one eighty and ended up as I am now, completely different and accepting of my originality no longer trying to be the normal person, I know I will never be.
I have not done Meth for a very long time, nor have I touched any other mind altering subsance including alcohol. The last time I did this it lasted three years, now I will go another three years and see how much it changes me this time. However through all this hardship, all this compulsion, self hatred, and self realization, there is one thing I have gained that I will never let go. The fact that being different is not wrong, is not bad, and is not to be looked down upon. I have come to peace with my self differences, even reveling in the fact and this is one thing I will never change again. Never again will I try to be other than who I am for the benefit of other people. Not my peers not my parents, for it is peace between myself that is more important than peace between other people. And although the road is rocky and often times feels dark and deserted there is no other place that I would rather be, for the self loathing for who I will never be able to be is gone, and the love for who I am has taken its place. For that I will always be grateful no matter how uncomfortable the kick in the pants that brought me here was.