zagan

Loneliness ever haunting the recesses of my mind taunting me as the old friend it is. I find myself most often enough alone, my family the majority of the time is the most interaction I get with the outside world. The extent of my expeditions to the outside world are the cigarette breaks that frequent my daily routine less habits. Yes I do enjoy tormenting my own mind with the lack of interaction with reality, often times spending days within the world in my own head weather that be of daydreams or night dreams. I find that of late I have been living the majority of my days through my own sleep filled realities Its much more comforting there than the landscape of loss and denial outside my window.
Sometimes I find it disgustingly hard to live as myself my friendships are most likely unhealthy interactions with unhealthy people the world is a very uninviting place to one like me. It is always through my own means this alienation of the self till I cant stand anything outside the boundaries of my hidey hole. Its no wonder that I constantly find myself back at the threshold of Addiction time and time again. Truly I am one who cannot deal with reality as it is so I am forced to build my own reality through pills and sleep and false hope that one day I will come out and be different than who I am.
Whenever rooting through my mishaps and deluded thoughts of where the problem lies it constantly comes back to myself. Quite consistently I find that interactions with healthy self reliant people will not come until I myself and healthy and self reliant yet that will never be so because the definition of healthy and self reliant and functioning are much different than my personal interpretation of it. Insanity defined is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. Yet statistically one must recognize that If one continues their habits that there will never be a change. I change quite constantly yet each time old habits remain, I am at a loss on how to fix my self and my world so I stay in hiding hoping my answers will come to me through my sleep which is quite impossible.
People like me are a dime a dozen lost in their own world of delusion having no true place to call homeno calling in life. I stopped taking my lithium in hope that maybe less medication will help clear my mind of the endless haze that constantly surrounds it. However it has remained futile, for now I find myself further lost in the abyss of my being. There is no way out that I can see as of now just the peace of sleep how I long to sleep forever with nothing but dreams to taunt me, for my dreams are so much more interesting than this reality I find myself in.
Im all out of Tylenol P.M only the Seroquil is left to draw me into the peace of sleeps tireless arms. Yes my current addiction is to sleeping pills how I adore their release from reality. I know that my present state is most disturbing to my family I feel their discomfort when I am around them. They dont understand my habitual sleeping patterns or my endless wasteland of thoughts. I know that I am in a in between period one point in my life has come to an end and I am waiting simply waiting for another point in time to begin.
It gets quite lonely here, but loneliness is an evil that I know one in which I have become very comfortable with. I need not surround my life with surface friendships and deluded companionship for the end of which is always something quite uncomfortable or disturbing. Its because of my Borderline personality disorder that I cannot interact with people very well of upkeep my friends. My cell phone is most constantly turned off because I loath hearing it ring. Loath knowing that a conversation of some sort will come and talking on the phone is often times most uncomfortable for me. It is a necessary evil electronic voice communications, but one I am most unable to take part in.
I quite dislike going outside for as of now I am quite on the edge and my disgust with the common populace grows stronger everyday. Yes it is my own fault that I alienate myself so, that I have made myself into a creature that has difficulty relating to humanity. I could be a pompous ass and say its their fault that they cant relate to me, but I am my own creation, and I have made myself this way, through whatever means, and it is not their problem but my own that I can no longer connect with them.
How I wish that one day I will fall asleep and wake up somewhere else somewhere without the fucking human race infecting every corner of it. Somewhere beautifully alien where I can survive without the Pain of playing the stupid game of normality. Where I could live out my life without being some sort of fucking spectacle because of my fascinations. Yet I know That I will never find a place like this so I must come to some sort of peace within myself. This is what I strive to do, but It has been a long hard road so far eventually though I hope it will get better.
The Bi polar doesnt help me much anymore, it has become a nuisance but an eye opening one. Hopefully one day I will either over come it or find a way to use it to my advantage. It gives me some insight into myself, I can see things at two different angles but its very contradicting and harsh at times like being thrown into a bucket of Ice water. At times it makes the loneliness almost unbearable but at other times it can draw me into myself and take away my sense of outside strife. How I hope this time between times comes to a close soon for the days here are long and the nights quite interrupted. Yet I still have my salvation a hand full of pills and a loss of consciousness.

Throughout the mirage of time there is me
Thought is my essence and I divine my time through the mind
Its inner working dark and alone
Wake up to the reality I have left you with
Despair and delusion accompanies your strength
This is not the end and you are not truly lost
There is more than what meets thine eye
You are not abandoned, though you may think you are
For I can see all and you can see nothing
Yet you seek what you may never find
Its okay for you do not need to know
Live your life through the eyes of sleep
Though your deranged and disengaged
It wont always be this way
Everything has its own moment
As the sand passes through the hourglass
Your devils will fade away and die
Pain will be your escape, but this you know
Memories will be fast to be replaced
You created the monster that is you
There is no escape from this creature you are
Its your inner essence your quaint distortion
Look beyond that what you see
It is there that I lie
Haunting your existence
Permeating your mind
You cant just let go
White knuckling it you blindly go forward
It is the control that you seek
Power over your own being
Its what drives you
Yet you must loose yourself in Chaos
Before you gain what you seek
In the end you will find your sense of being
And maybe here will be your peace