zagan

Sess pool of Observations


Mental dysfunction, what I have been coping with for the past 8 months, is finally getting somewhere. I still see things that shouldnt be there, however, they are starting not to bother me so much anymore. The moving walls, the shadows that flit back and forth through my vision field, I am beginning to make peace with. However where shall I go from here. Its been months of me sitting, sleeping, watching the science channel, and learning through my own means. I can now read Hindi. Yet I am still trying to make sense of the language I can read Hebrew and can understand some French. Languages have always come pretty easily to me, and I am most fascinated by them.

I read constantly every thing from earth science, History, and Philosophy everything from Nietzsche to Zachariah Stichens 12th planet. Merely I wish to understand the world that we live in, and aspire to understand through Knowledge. I am very much a skeptic on everything, nothing should be taken at its face value, but this again leads to more questions and no answers. I am very much an Atheist, but I enjoy learning about religion, and the supernatural because I feel that there is more to the human mind and the human state that one can truly know.

Early human Civilization fascinates me, I love leaning about everything from the Minoans to the Egyptians. I love learning about their political structures, and mankinds early religion. Maybe if I understand the past it will help me to discern the present. The ever confusing encryptions of our lives and why we are here, yet deep inside I know that there is no reason to why we are here.

I learn the best when I am left to my own devices, never good at school, weather it be k-12 or Higher Education. Yet so many things fascinate me and draw my interest, and by myself I learn more than I have ever learned when sitting in a classroom. I know sooner or later I will have to re-immerge into the world and continue my education in a class room. The probable is that I know not what I wish to major in. I have been to college a few times and each time my major has changed. Biology. Art. Theater. Who knows what I shall choose for myself next.

I am most definitely what one may describe as a lost soul, my mind flits back and forth through everything I am interested in. I have one goal though and that is to obtain knowledge. I love learning, but the environment, and the capacity that I learn in is much different from the norm. My mind is a chaotic place in which it become frequently more difficult for me to function normally. Hardly anything that I do can be described as normal, I look different I act different and I learn very differently. I prefer to teach myself and lean through my own means to that of sitting and listening to dictation.

Many out in the real world would probably call me a slacker. Yet I am no slacker in the definition of the word for I spend much of my time learning, and the other percentage sleeping. I adore sleeping my dreams are most vivid and it is my own personal escape from the reality that I know. I will be leaving the states soon, this will be my 8th move in the past two years. I travel quite frequently, and I love being on the road, this time It will be to Canada, for I have grown increasingly disgusted with the states.

Its funny last year it was New Orleans I guess that I have gotten back just in the nick of time to see the city I once loved be smashed by a hurricane. Its quite a silent Irony. I sit back and watch the destruction on the T.V. and see places I once used to haunt, be destroyed by the hurricane. It is a city that I loved, yet one which at one point in time destroyed me now I sit and watch it be destroyed.

I wonder what Edmonton Alberta will have in store for me. Much different than the places I am used to living in both in thought structure and in Environment. It will be the first time I will have ever lived somewhere where It snows. It will also be a great escape from the conservative suburbia that I am used to living in. However I will probably not escape the Jeers and the stares of the loving public. Many people are very put off by my appearance here in Sacramento. In the exact area where I live People are so conservative that they have trucks outside the high school that says Jesus hates gays. Needless to say people are pretty disgruntled by my originality.

When walking down the street many times parents of young children will grab their kids by the hand and walk to the opposite side of the one which I choose to walk down. Both the parents and their children try to glare me down as if their holy stares will cause someone like me to burst into flames. Its as if they think I would grab their kid and run off with them fucking retards.

By looking different I have been able to watch the reactions of many onlookers and come to statistic conclusions about them. White children are very spoiled and rude they will often scream when they look at me or hide their faces. Their parents often indulge in their behavior, and dont teach them that staring is rude. Black kids are most often times fascinated. They will look at you shine a small smile Look away and then try too peak back at you when you arent looking. Asian children wont look at all, they often times keep their faces to the ground and dont look up no matter what. Then there is the little Indian child (from India) That ran into borders bounded up to my side and said a bright and Cheery HELLO like I was some kind of plaything. Really cute. Her father walked up and apologized for her, smiled at me and walked off. Its really interesting observing people from the outskirts of the society and I am most definitely an outsider but then again I have made myself so and have no hard feelings about being one.

Needless to say I have decided that If I ever have children I am going to adopt. I was adopted and definitely dont want to pass down my mental deficiencies to a child plus the world is already overpopulated, so why would I want to build on that.

Anyway Enough rhetoric for today I need more coffie.