zagan

I hate being awake... The hours toll by until my head is pounding and everything turns into a white noise. New Orleans, the city I grew to love, is now drowning, I expected as much but I didn't think it would happen so soon. However what consciousness it does have saved the french quarter from being drowned, a consciousness one wouldn't understand until one has visited there or lived ther for a select period of time. Sometimes I still dream about that city, as it haunts anyone who as been there, trying to draw them back into the circumfrance of its turmoil and chaos. However, I cannot go back there, the alcoholism and drug addiction keeps me away, I do not wish to get back into tht lifestyle. I am as of now, trying to release myself from addiction but I have merely traded my Alcholism for another addiction, one to sleep aides. Oh well, at least it is healtier than Alcohlic consumption that lands me at the bottom of the barrel each time.
Often times I feel as If I am an Alien on an Alien Planet, an outsider to humanity. I have disowned humanity a long time ago sickened by its turn and where it is going. Its relentless hyperconsumerism, its strive for social acceptance, following one another like sheep, never questioning where the leader is taking them. Its sad because so Many are blinded by one thing or another whether it be their Stupid Christian Religion or there Patriotism, few ever question the anticts of that which guide them.
Knowledge has been traded for godlieness, theis ever striveing for Salvation that comes from a book of Fairy tales known as the Bible. Its like they look down apon the basic things that make them human calling it sinful and harmful, they think only of their power over the masses not what is best for socioty as a whole. To put down those who already are down, to strive for social perfection, never straying from the unwritten rules of what they follow. True individuality is looked down apon for resistance is futile, one must conform to be accepted, because in conformity, when ones mind becomes that with the hole it is so much easier for them to believe the lies that keep them controlled and coming back for more.
I live in the conservitive Suburbia on the Outskirts of Sacramento, where they picket outside the highschool that Jesus hates Gays, and the Abortion comes from the devil and that Prayer should be taught in schools. Why do so many submit to this vegeful god that keeps one in line through fear of brimstone and Hellfire? How on earth did a being created by men get such a following through fear? I could never submit myself to some ficticious man in the sky that preaches that the basic things that make us human... sexuality... Imerfection... and what not is evil and sinful... these are things I do not understand.
Humanity really does scare the living shit out of me. I do not understand it nor do I wish to understand. Hours and Hours of Fredrick Nietzche still hasen't brought me closer to understanding man. Plato's Allegory of the cave describes existance quite nicely but still I struggle to grasp what causes people to hate themselves so. To condem that wich makes them unique and Origional. To give up their free will to a socioty and a need to belong and a religion that merely dictates fear. These are things I may never know, so I perfer to remain on the outskirts of it all merely watching, documenting, and learning. For Through knowledge comes strength and inner peace. So many things I still do not know but I need them to battle of those who dislike who I am and what I stand for. Cursing me with sin and hell fire, it is through knowing that I battle with them. Its sad how many people don't know about evolution, but can tell you the story of creation word for word. How I love to emmerse my self with books so that I am not so Oblivious to reality.