Everything outside is painted in white crystals, gleaming in the sun, threatening to take your eyesight with the brightness of it all. Slowly am I getting used to the cold strangeness that is snow and Canadian winter. Every place that I have lived has brought winter to its shores in a different way. Sacramento, New Orleans, Lafayette, Canada, each has winters so different in accord to their position on the North American Continent. I spend much time thinking of the places and people I have long ago left behind in those other lives of mine, in all those different places. Most of all I miss San Francisco, though I never truly LIVED there, I did spend enough time there to call it home.
It still haunts my mind, the exotic smells of China town, and the sights of the homeless mingling with the Goths and transvestites on Market Street, the cold damp air of the bay mixing with the salt of the Ocean. So completely different, my San Francisco is, from the rest of the state of Sacramento, and even the Continental U.S.
Often times in my mind I compare the City of San Francisco and the City of New Orleans. Yet, New Orleans could never even Compare to San Francisco, New Orleans holds such aloofness and the people within its confines seem so lost and desperate. San Francisco on the other hand, even with its bountiful homeless population, seems so much fruitful, so much more serene than New Orleans. Then there is Edmonton, which doesn't hold nearly the diversity of either of those two cities, yet its pleasantly calm atmosphere draws me in somehow.
When living in New Orleans I learned never to look people in the eye for too long. Their desperation, their hardships, the deep seeded sickness washes over you threatening to enter into the roots of your own thoughts. So much hardship, so much pain, all clearly there to see, and believe me, you don't want to look. It makes one wonder what kind of world they saw through these desperate eyes, what sort of events have befallen them to make them see the world with such antagonism, with such apathy. So many Goths, talk of New Orleans like it is some kind of wonderland, I knew from the beginning that it was no wonderland having visited there before moving there, yet I moved there anyway. They think of the city as some quaint French rendition of history, when although there are touches of that, there is more hardship, corruption and desolation than they truly knows. One particular friend who thinks this way, I have told him the truth, yet he naught believes my rendition of the city, that it is a beautifully historic area, that is full of cruelty and will chew you up and spit you out like the rest of its population. Yet, myself, even with this insight and hit with the cruel reality of it, still love it.
Many times I look back at some of the places I have been, the people I have known, and the things I have done and wonder what brought me to be there, to do that, and to know that person, yet I continually come up answerless. Some things I guess happen for whatever unconscious reason and are not to be analyzed unless one wants to give themselves a excruciating head ache. One just has to deal with the latest turn in life and for me that happens to be Canada.
I do not understand those people with an aversion to living, for even when my life becomes what others may say is a bit dull and uneventful I always enjoy it to its fullest extent. There are many things that I have somewhat of a dislike of, other people probably being the biggest one, but I do not allow that to stop me from being interested in everything and anything that goes on around me, even when nothing more that my own thoughts surrounding me.
There was a time when I fully believed that the only time I could enjoy living was when I was high, drunk or getting laid. So say the least this destructive thought process ended after a few years, when I realized it was not life's position to keep me interested, but my position to find things within life that are interesting. I guess you could say at one time I was a very desperate depressed person, which saw nothing but the difficulties in life and not the pleasantries. I existed in a very dark place at that time, seeing the world around me much like those in New Orleans do, through the eyes of antagonism.
I would do anything to remove myself from the pain of living even if it was just for those few moments of being conked out by air duster (WHAT WAS I THINKING!) or for the hours of sensation brought on by Ecstasy and rough sex. It truly is a disgusting way to live and to view life and I must say that those who cannot enjoy living, sadden me, for there are many who die inconveniently who would trade them.
Its been years since then and I have had a pretty easy time staying both sober and celibate, I have found that it is much better to find enjoyment in life than it is to use drugs and other people in order to amuse ones self. I think that relying on ones self to get though life makes one a better person than relying on things and other people to keep one happy. I remain independently single (dislike of most people makes this easy), and keep away from mind-altering substances.
Actually the main reason why I stay out of relationships, and friendships as well is because I have run into so many codependent or counter-dependant people who need to be with someone else to make life work. Its as if they need to cling on to one another in order to get though the every day. I have decided that until one can make life work out on their own, that they should not try to synchronize their lives with someone else's life, for it is easier for one person to try and make things work than two. Plus, I am actually quite happy by myself, and would rather live my life by myself richly than shallowly live with another person who doesn't appreciate the things I do (and this deals with both relationships and Friendships).
I have done a complete one eighty from the way I used to be years ago. I can be quite happy with my circumstances and the world around me, and I can happily be by myself and celibate and not sit there longing for companionship. There is so much more to living than momentary satisfaction, one just has to change perspective and get interested in the world that goes on around them.
Okay so this has gotten a little monotonous, and really I HATE talking about my sex life, or should I say now Lack of one. I have always gone by the rule "A lady never tells", but I had to bring it up to make whatever point I was getting at in this rambling piece of writing. So forgive me for the somewhat startling revelations. I am celibate and quite happily so, and no I don't dislike sex, I just dislike random flings. Okay, this is the end of the Zagan sex life talk for now eh I probably won't bring it up again, because I am really a somewhat private person when it comes to the sex subject and no I am not some Christian wonky who thinks sex is evil or anything, I just think it is trashy to talk about ones personal sex life all the time.
It still haunts my mind, the exotic smells of China town, and the sights of the homeless mingling with the Goths and transvestites on Market Street, the cold damp air of the bay mixing with the salt of the Ocean. So completely different, my San Francisco is, from the rest of the state of Sacramento, and even the Continental U.S.
Often times in my mind I compare the City of San Francisco and the City of New Orleans. Yet, New Orleans could never even Compare to San Francisco, New Orleans holds such aloofness and the people within its confines seem so lost and desperate. San Francisco on the other hand, even with its bountiful homeless population, seems so much fruitful, so much more serene than New Orleans. Then there is Edmonton, which doesn't hold nearly the diversity of either of those two cities, yet its pleasantly calm atmosphere draws me in somehow.
When living in New Orleans I learned never to look people in the eye for too long. Their desperation, their hardships, the deep seeded sickness washes over you threatening to enter into the roots of your own thoughts. So much hardship, so much pain, all clearly there to see, and believe me, you don't want to look. It makes one wonder what kind of world they saw through these desperate eyes, what sort of events have befallen them to make them see the world with such antagonism, with such apathy. So many Goths, talk of New Orleans like it is some kind of wonderland, I knew from the beginning that it was no wonderland having visited there before moving there, yet I moved there anyway. They think of the city as some quaint French rendition of history, when although there are touches of that, there is more hardship, corruption and desolation than they truly knows. One particular friend who thinks this way, I have told him the truth, yet he naught believes my rendition of the city, that it is a beautifully historic area, that is full of cruelty and will chew you up and spit you out like the rest of its population. Yet, myself, even with this insight and hit with the cruel reality of it, still love it.
Many times I look back at some of the places I have been, the people I have known, and the things I have done and wonder what brought me to be there, to do that, and to know that person, yet I continually come up answerless. Some things I guess happen for whatever unconscious reason and are not to be analyzed unless one wants to give themselves a excruciating head ache. One just has to deal with the latest turn in life and for me that happens to be Canada.
I do not understand those people with an aversion to living, for even when my life becomes what others may say is a bit dull and uneventful I always enjoy it to its fullest extent. There are many things that I have somewhat of a dislike of, other people probably being the biggest one, but I do not allow that to stop me from being interested in everything and anything that goes on around me, even when nothing more that my own thoughts surrounding me.
There was a time when I fully believed that the only time I could enjoy living was when I was high, drunk or getting laid. So say the least this destructive thought process ended after a few years, when I realized it was not life's position to keep me interested, but my position to find things within life that are interesting. I guess you could say at one time I was a very desperate depressed person, which saw nothing but the difficulties in life and not the pleasantries. I existed in a very dark place at that time, seeing the world around me much like those in New Orleans do, through the eyes of antagonism.
I would do anything to remove myself from the pain of living even if it was just for those few moments of being conked out by air duster (WHAT WAS I THINKING!) or for the hours of sensation brought on by Ecstasy and rough sex. It truly is a disgusting way to live and to view life and I must say that those who cannot enjoy living, sadden me, for there are many who die inconveniently who would trade them.
Its been years since then and I have had a pretty easy time staying both sober and celibate, I have found that it is much better to find enjoyment in life than it is to use drugs and other people in order to amuse ones self. I think that relying on ones self to get though life makes one a better person than relying on things and other people to keep one happy. I remain independently single (dislike of most people makes this easy), and keep away from mind-altering substances.
Actually the main reason why I stay out of relationships, and friendships as well is because I have run into so many codependent or counter-dependant people who need to be with someone else to make life work. Its as if they need to cling on to one another in order to get though the every day. I have decided that until one can make life work out on their own, that they should not try to synchronize their lives with someone else's life, for it is easier for one person to try and make things work than two. Plus, I am actually quite happy by myself, and would rather live my life by myself richly than shallowly live with another person who doesn't appreciate the things I do (and this deals with both relationships and Friendships).
I have done a complete one eighty from the way I used to be years ago. I can be quite happy with my circumstances and the world around me, and I can happily be by myself and celibate and not sit there longing for companionship. There is so much more to living than momentary satisfaction, one just has to change perspective and get interested in the world that goes on around them.
Okay so this has gotten a little monotonous, and really I HATE talking about my sex life, or should I say now Lack of one. I have always gone by the rule "A lady never tells", but I had to bring it up to make whatever point I was getting at in this rambling piece of writing. So forgive me for the somewhat startling revelations. I am celibate and quite happily so, and no I don't dislike sex, I just dislike random flings. Okay, this is the end of the Zagan sex life talk for now eh I probably won't bring it up again, because I am really a somewhat private person when it comes to the sex subject and no I am not some Christian wonky who thinks sex is evil or anything, I just think it is trashy to talk about ones personal sex life all the time.