zagan

Personal Deficiancies and Finding hell in other People



Fuckedy Fuck Fuck Fuck My dog fucking had to go and bite somebody this morning. Grrr quite an unpleasant experience if you ask me, She has always been a might up tight and she broke her leash and ran off like a bat out of hell to go and bite someone. I have been dreadfully upset about it, and now refuse to go outside, for all the construction workers are out there including the one she bit. Thats me, I have an issue with confronting my problems, and I tend to run from them or avoid them all together. I guess thats just how I am, I wouldn't say it's cowardly, but I like to take the easy way out of any situation.
Its always been like this ever since I have been younger, my dad would scream at me, and I would run upstairs and lock myself in my room in order to get away from his anger. I think mostly I did that is because whenever I did confront him for being the asshole that he is, I usually went off my rocker and did something that would involve a lot of screaming, yelling, and dodging of shit being thrown at me. He was often like that, not knowing how to control his anger and things often escalated to the point of physical confrontation.
So I strive as I may to avoid any confrontation what so ever from anybody, it quite throws me over the edge. It mostly ends up with me getting shit from them, feeling bad about it and guilty, and than taking it out on my self usually through both mental and physical torture. So I sit back and try to avoid anything that would cause any conflict, as I am doing right now.
The dog still hasn't gone for her walk to say the least, and I will probably not walk her for some time now, forcing her to hold in her bathroom. I also still haven't picked up the mud that I tracked on the floor, which I inadvertently tracked on our bright new white carpet, mostly because I was in a state of shock after my dog broke off her leash and bit the guy. As I stated I definitely do not handle circumstantial turmoil at all.
I guess you could say that I still have a lot of problems with these types of issues and am not making any progress working on them. I also run from things that I don't like, moving away from my problems, much like a drug addict runs from their drug habit by changing cities, futilely hoping that because they don't know anybody in this new place that maybe their problems won't follow them, however I know from experience that they always do.
I do love the travel and the experience of being in new places, so moving around a lot does not have everything to do with my whishing to distance myself from my issues although it does somewhat.
However I guess if I analyzed all of my idiosyncrasies I would come up with an underlying self-deficiency in them. Thats just the way I work I guess. There are so many little things that I have problems dealing with and coping with, I have stressed this issue before, my lack of coping skills, however just because I know that is what it is doesn't make it any less easier to conquer.
For me hell truly is other people, I hate dealing with them on an everyday basis, I really truly do. They're stupidity, their rough edges, and the fact that they always need to dominate a situation. Honestly I think of humans as one of the lowest species out there, they hurt and sometimes kill each other over minor conflictions. Their never-ending need to come off as the biggest and the baddest thing out there intimidating others in order to get their way.
All I ever wanted was to be left alone by the intentions of the carnivorous human hunters. To stay away from their bullying and their disgruntle ling actions towards others. I do not want to be made mince meat by their slicing words or their manipulative actions. Believe me there are many such people out there who have a need to suppress and control others through their bullying and their manipulation. I want nothing to do with these types of actions nor these types of people, I guess thats what I have never done well in a competitive environment.
I hate trying to maneuver myself though the traps of conflict people tend to like to put in others way. I have never been good at the social games of the highly manipulative and confrontational type and I do not wish to be versed in them. The drama others try to involve you in, the events they try to make you a part of, the verbal jabs they hide within their sweetened words its not my type of fun to try and wind my way from this sort of people created environment.
Don't get me wrong I am not someone who lets these types of people walk all over me, but I have become quite good at avoiding their companionship and out maneuvering their antics. As I have said being alone is much better than surrounding ones self with fake people and their stupid mind games. I guess part of me just doesn't understand what drives these people, mostly because I don't try and manipulate anybody, all I want to do is look odd enough and put people off enough that they will just ignore me and leave me the fuck alone.
Although I do like my appearance and I am very much into the creativity of it, I do have some underlying reasons for it, and most of them have to do with wanting to be left alone. I try to look unapproachable and if seen in public by myself I will seem very much aloof to what is going on around me. However, I do know exactly what is going on around me, but I don't want to look like I am paying too much attention to it. I guess you could say I am one whom is very paranoid when it comes to others always looking for ulterior motives and underlying personality deficiencies.
I can fully say without a doubt that I don't trust anyone and probably haven't since I was a kid. I can go along quite readily with Thomas Hobbs philosophy that people are inherently evil, it is one that I can fully believe. No I don't believe that every person is inherently evil, I guess I should spell this out more in its entirety. I believe that everybody has the ability to do both good and evil, however I have found a lot of people choose to act on that evil influence and use it to hurt others and get their way. Not that all actions they portray and act on could be interpreted as evil entirely, just that many actions are done at the expense of others, and this, although not evil, is not the standard that I myself abide to, so thus in my eyes can be interpreted as evil.
I am not such a person that I will ever say that I am scared of nothing. That I think is entirely a load of bullshit if you ask me. Everybody has a fear of something, even if it doesn't fall in to the normal sector of what the population would call something to be afraid of. I guess you could say that my biggest fears are most definitely stressful circumstances and other people. Death, dying, scary animals, the dark, unknown monsters, fire whatever holds no big place in my mind, it truly is the antics of others and the stress that it causes me that I probably fear the most.
I have to say that really people aren't just that nice to one another, I learned this in grade school through the way I was treated by my peers, up until now, where it seems like people just don't grow out of that malicious behavior. They are very unaccepting of one another and very harshly disturbing to those whom don't fit within their spectrum of normalcy. People are so petty, and so, I must honestly say stupid, when it comes to their treatment of one another, and the actions they take. It seems like although we are so evolved with technology and so evolved with information and science and what not, yet socially we are quite barbaric with our gossip and our put downs and our need to feel superior to one another.
Honestly if I was an Off world scientist viewing our world and taking note of intelligent species, I would advise whatever other civilized off worlders to leave our planet be, pray to whatever god I pray to that they never discover long range space flight, and hope that in a few hundred years we blow ourselves up, and continue to leave the galaxy in peace. Truthfully although it sounds really harsh and inhumane, but the people of our planet are so fucked up and so misguided that honestly if we aren't somehow able to work on our social and personal dilemmas and aren't able to evolve past this point of instability, than truly I think the world and the universe is much better off without us.