zagan

Friday night, a time for many of pleasantries and excitement, yet I prefer to spend this time alone. Actually I spend a lot of my time alone, disdaining social outings and get together, preferring quietness, self reflection and the many friends among my books. My interest in outings and socialization has waned over the past few years, I spend more time in my mental retreat than I do in the world outside. It surprises me how much others crave the constant companionship of their peers. I can perform in a social setting with the best of them making small talk like a master but truly I prefer the comfort of silence and the feeling of being alone. Unlike many people whom take the time they have to themselves for granted I relish this time much preferring it over the constant companionship that others choose. Many reasons why I even go out anymore is not because I find much joy in it, but because it is necessary to keep up my people skills so that I will not become lost when faced with a social situation.
I have found that many of my counter parts actually fear being alone, many are so scared about it that they surround themselves with meaningless relationships just in order to justify to themselves that they arent alone. In many ways have I witnessed the human species within the cultures of northern America and their fear of loneliness. Walk into any club on any night and it is there, this sense of desperation that clings to the place like spider webs clinging to walls. This all together with the bodies moving, the lights flashing and the music clashing to create a strange feel to any club environment when one looks deep enough. The people are desperate, trying to surround themselves with others whom are just as desperate as they are, all fearing that they will spend their short mortal lives alone. Its as if being alone is the worst thing that could ever happen to them, like a black curse that all must stay away from, and even when in a relationship and all one has left is the routine of things, they hold on to one another afraid of wandering the big bad world alone.
I have found that the human state is willing to put up with so much hardship and unpleasantness in order to like they are wanted, like they are good enough, and that they will not die alone. This is all strange to me, but I have seen it time and time again, from watching people and even when watching my own parents, trying to hold on to something long dead in the vain hopes that they would not end up completely alone. I often wonder what is so bad about being alone, I myself have no need for constant companionship and merely converse with others for no other reason than merely conversing, not because I want to find lasting friendship or some weird manipulative relationship. I merely enjoy the verbal sparring that comes with conversing and I like to hear other peoples ideas. I have a few friends and many acquaintances, but I have no need to be surrounded by people all the time, and actually prefer sitting alone than sitting in a crowd of other people all talking over each other each one wanting to be heard but nobody hearing what the other one is saying.
Maybe it is because I find it so darn hard to relate to other people and maybe I have never truly had any friends (except for the ones that live in my computer) keep me interested and content. I dont mind living alone, I dont mind traveling alone and I dont mind dieing alone. The thoughts have never truly bothered me. Unfortunately society breeds this Idea that you have to be great, you have to be special, and you have to succeed lest you become nothing and die alone. I have never had such misconception about these things. Success is always good but never does it go hand in hand with happiness or loneliness.
If some one where to walk up to me and tell me that I would live out my entire life alone, I would not worry about it. It would not cause me depression, it would not eat me up inside and I would not fall into despair. In fact I would probably be quite happy about it for I am ever one for personal freedom and others merely tie this down. When moving from place to place as I do, it is much easier when you dont have to leave behind friends or family ties. They are merely burdens and make it harder for one to fulfill what drives them.
I make out quite well on my own, for one doesnt have to compromise with themselves and one is always in complete control over ones own situation, not having to count on another to keep their part of the bargain. Maybe I am just a pessimist when it comes to relations with others or maybe I am just one of those people whom perform best when completely alone, I will probably never know this, but it is not something that is so important.
The fears of others are not my personal fears the need for companionship not my need. Truly what drives me is my own conscious thought and my own world of discovery, the time I have to myself where I can sit and stair out the window thinking and daydreaming means much more to me that always keeping busy with a constant social schedule. Maybe it is the fact that I spend so much time thinking, my mind is hardly ever Idle my thoughts always confusing and intriguing, so I dont have to worry about boredom, Its just not a state that I find myself in. Sometimes I will be a bit discontented when I will substitute the word boredom in but never truly bored within itself.
It can be strange so time and quite aggravating to my friends and parental units the way I so completely and totally will cut myself off from the world at months at a time so that I can just spend time with myself. I think it confounds them more than anything, them always thinking that its a bout of depression or some other anti social behavior, when truly it is just me being me, and me enjoying the silence and the loneliness.