zacharyaaron

Turn up the volume, and pay attention:

It's true, we shared something once. Something beautiful; something that satisfied every need I didn't know I had. And while satisfying those needs, also building in me a desire that was almost unquenchable, almost like you had created a chain reaction in my soul. Like you inserted a critical mass of emotion into my heart. The light you made me feel took me to pieces, over and over again.

And then that year apart, our second year, when you stayed on that eastern coast, and I ventured to the great snow caps to see if I had what it took to start a new phase of life from scratch. Yes, I know I'm the one who left, but I honestly thought we had what it takes to make it through a separation like that. There's the funny thing about leaving, though. It's not the distance in miles that matters. It's the distance in loneliness. And until I experienced that, I had no idea what we were really up against.

I should have seen it coming. The calls got progressively more strained. It felt like I was always talking you through the tears, singing you a lullaby until you would fall asleep with the phone nestled between your ear and a pillow. I didn't even think about how much time it took to put you to bed every night. I ignored the amount of homework and studying I was missing. Even when I got put on probation, and the threat of being expelled came very close to becoming reality...I still took the time to comfort you. To be there for you. And I still loved you. And the really funny thing, is that I thought I was doing good for both of us. Just a few years, and then we'd be together again, for good this time. And I'd be able to take care of you, like you deserved.

It wasn't enough though was it? That fall, you took a trip with friends, and found yourself waking up next to a stranger. And you realized that you enjoyed the warmth of his body next to you more than the sound of my voice in a telephone. And now, after all this time, you're married to someone else. And I'm still trying to find that life that I thought I was building.

All this is fine. It's the price we pay for living. And as stupid as it sounds, I really am happy that you found someone who makes you happy. But what I can't handle, is your inability to leave me alone. At first I loved the calls and letters. Because my heart was broken, and it felt like you were picking up the pieces. But you weren't were you? You were merely passing time. Finding someone who would make you feel wonderful and beautiful, because the person you had actually chosen wasn't being very nice at the moment. As soon and your darling had brought flowers home, and kissed the wounds your little lover's quarrel had caused, I was forgotten again. Left with a few more pieces of broken heart than had been there before.

For a long time, I knew this was happening, and I allowed it to continue. I was lonely. I was hopelessly devoted to the idea of being with you. I thought in the end that fantasy would come true. I was blind. And most of all, I was weak. Because I didn't think life was worthwhile without you beside me. But then I grew, I evolved. I decided that I could wallow in self pity until I was a shell, or I could challenge myself to live in such an unfair world. Really, what did it was the excitement I felt at seeing a future where things didn't always work out for the best. Where the good guy didn't always win. I realized that in a world like that, there were no rules that couldn't be rewritten. And so I smiled that sly smile, the one that got me a first date with you, and I stared down my future, and decided not to let you control it anymore.

So, now that it's all on the table, I'll ask you, politely, to leave me alone. Do not call me. Do not write me. Don't leave me messages saying you want to catch up. I know what you're doing. I know what you want from me. But I'm not giving that to you anymore. My heart belongs to me. And if I ever fall in love again, then it will belong to her. But it will never again belong to you. We made each other happy once, and I won't ever forget that. But all that's left to say is...goodbye.